Right now I'm (discreetly) watching the boys pull out movies from a drawer they're not supposed to be playing in... I'm just too tired to do something about it (until it starts getting destructive, that is). Being tired is one of the hardest things for me to function with. I hate being weak. I hate being average. I hate being so...well, prideful! lol
There are some days when I can accept my exhaustion and still rise up and have a great attitude/day. Then there are days when it is so dang debilitating! I hate that my mind still has the standards of "this is how you SHOULD be acting" (pre-kids, mind you) and because I can't, I label myself a failure/bad mom. Also exhausting. Not good.
Now, I will say that my heart, at least, is in a slightly better spot than it has been in many months. After talking with Pucci the other day, I have been holding on to a piece of truth that often eludes me: the reality of my frailty.
I am not perfect.
Really? No crap. What a concept, Carlene.
Except...
I live life as though I am.
Or should be.
Or can be.
But, what was so freeing about my convo with Dani is that it's finally starting to click (thank You, Holy Spirit!) that I really only have so much to give each day; because I. am. not. perfect. And, sometimes (most times!) I'm not going to be that awesome at all. Sure, there are days when I'm a GREAT mom/wife/friend, but lots of times I'm just mediocre, at best, and awful/selfish/lame sauce at worst. [Welcome to walking in Grace.]
In fact, if housework takes 10%, the boys 50%, friends/family 10%, alone time 10%, marriage 20%...well, that's got me pretty maxed out with the "most basic of life responsibilities." Yet, I add in SO much more to my days - work, errands, being exceptional at things where I could just be average - that I am very quickly overdrawn. I think I've spent the last 2+ years overdrafting and now I'm payin' up with some major interest.
I wonder how long it will take to get back to zero, let alone have some reserves that I can draw from to serve/follow dreams/have energy again? Hmm...
Anyways, the cool thing is that I'm realizing I have limits. I really SHOULD set boundaries in order to keep me functioning at a healthy level. It's no longer some abstract "healthy thing to do" (boundaries): it's a need. In fact, I'm slowly seeing how saying 'no' to Good Thing A will enable me to be a much better person doing Good Things B, C, D, E, F....And, yet, it's still so hard for me (performer/people-pleaser!) to say no - especially when I see a legit need. Or I just want to do Option A. That too.
Like, I'm pretty bad at being ok with not getting what I want. I don't want a lot of things in life, but I'm used to getting the things I do want. And....now that's changing/shifting/reshaping itself. Which is good, I know, but so dang hard to deny self/Good things!
Alright, one last thing: while in my quiet time yesterday morning with the Lord, I was venting about how mad/hurt I am that Kris isn't reading my needs very well right now. We're both in tough places emotionally, and while things do need to settle a bit on both of our ends, the Lord showed me how I was trying to make Kris my Source, and not Him.
Here's the analogy He gave me:
"Jesus is like the sun. Fellowship/relationships are like the moon. The sun provides the strength, sustenance, heat, light, etc. for life on this planet to exist. The moon, a reflection of the sun, is a great source of comfort, light, etc. but it changes form frequently, is not enough to sustain life on, and should never be used in PLACE of the sun. It's a reflection of the Real Light, and cannot give light apart from the sun itself anyways.
So, as long as I'm getting my sun-time, it's great to also enjoy the moon. But, if I'm only getting time with the moon, I will soon find my strength fading. The moon cannot take the place of the sun; Kris is not my source of Life, energy, or fulfillment. Kris is a great reflection of the Lord's love, but he is not the Lord Himself. I can see Jesus through Kris, yes, but if that's the only way I'm getting my "light/heat/warmth/vitamin D," well, I will soon find it a VERY inadequate way of living. Reflected light isn't very sustaining in the long run.
And, does getting major frustrated at the moon for only doing what it can do solve anything? No. Can I make the moon the sun? No. Can I ever receive from the moon what I can from the sun? Nope. I need to shift priorities so that I can engage in the true Source of life: Jesus. Only then can I be filled to overflowing. Only then can I be satisfied. Only then can I enjoy the relationships around me for what they are: reflections of the Lord's love and light."
Cool, huh? :) I love how the Spirit speaks to us in ways we need and understand. I'm such a fan. Thank You, Lord!
p.s. the boys are now watching a movie they, er, picked out, and I've got some black tea brewing...so all is well in my world right now. After all, I only have so much to give, ya know. ;)
p.p.s. I hope to blog sometime about the fallacy of self-actualization being our highest need. Thanks for screwin' up our generation, Maslow. (no worries, there's a lot to say, on both sides, but really, can we encourage selfishness anymore?! It's not about me.)
