It's a Small World

Ya know what's ironic (besides fat-free candy bars)?

We have all this global awareness at our fingertips, right?  And we assume we can (and feel required, almost) to keep tabs on little bits of everything.  Oh sure, we allow for everyone to have their little sections of Reality that goes to a deeper knowledge of "whatever" than other people, but we still feel like because we CAN "know it all," therefore we SHOULD.

But here's the irony: we can't.

No really!  Do we believe this?  Alex's new thing right now is, "Mom, I want to learn more than God."  Just as I'm having to explain to him why no one can know more than God, so this seems to be the same issue I'm seeing pop up right now.  We are anxious to know more than God.  We want the control that knowledge brings.  We want to feel proud and better than others and safe in our knowledge. 

But.  Reality sets in....as it has a great habit of doing....

We have to make choices everyday to live and learn one thing, and not another, right?  This is awesome.  This is Life.  This is ok!  We all do this, by the way.....and yet....We still have this social pressure to go deeper about everything.  We feel like we should be these "Neal Caffery's" or "Rick Harrison's" who just know everything they need to know - no matter how nuanced it is.  Come on, how many times are people mocked for their ignorance about "obvious" things?

Take, for instance, all of the political hot topics right now.  A lot of people are making fun of the ignorant - on both sides.  And, oh, how we laugh at 'those stupid people.'  "How could they not know Sarah Palin isn't even running?  How could they not know Mit Romney isn't black?  How could they not know...." and we go on.  Yes, it's funny.  Yes, it open conversation doors, but here's my problem with it all:

I don't care what topic you pick (the price of gas, grocery's, politics, religion, how to find the best pizza shop downtown), when it's in YOUR world, it's very familiar.  And we so easily forget that other people, those who aren't in our world, may not have such familiarity with it.

We laugh at their ignorance.  "How could they not know to take the Loop to 51st Ave?"

We're embarrassed at our own ignorance, when it happens to emerge. "Oh, that's how you use the coffee pot at church?"

We try to cover it up by jokes, learning more, pretending to not care, or a host of other ways.

To me, this comes down to Grace (as always, lol).  Am I willing to offer grace to someone who asks a question that seems BEYOND OBVIOUS to me?  Am I willing to break down an answer into understandable terms, instead of just assuming they know?  Am I willing to pursue the freedom that comes when I admit my need for help?

There is NO shame in not knowing everything.  There is NO shame in having to ask for help, or in having a question.  There is NO shame when we reveal we don't know it all.  Guess what?

"No one can know more than God, honey."



.....and that's just the way it is.

Use What You Have

This season I'm in seems to be offering Contentment at every turn.  Not the "oh, I just am so at peace with this moment" Contentment, but the option to rest in it, or.... scurry around in stress.  My eyes are being opened more and more to the Good that is all around me.  Again, not in a "I just want to dance and sing with all my energetic reserves" but a whispering....an alluring....a sensing....of something Real.

When I am not content with who is in my life, or what I have been given, I look to the Other.  I look to Stuff.  I look to Myself.

None of which delivers.

When I am made aware that what I have is enough for the task/need in front of me, I can smile.  I can push up my sleeves and get to work.  I can choose Contentment.

This applies in very practical ways, by the way.  And it is a GREAT help when arguing with the Could/Should/Must's in my head.  Take a glimpse:

* "I should write a book and make a fancy blog." is challenged by: "I find freedom in anonymous, small, authentic community.  I don't like screen time.  I enjoy alone time. When I find a few moments, I don't want to do something BIG....I want to do something simple.  I am not tech-savvy."

* "I should buy a new air mattress for when we have company" is challenged by: "I can find one on Craig's List for a fraction of the cost, if I take the time to look around, do my homework, and be willing to wait a few weeks. or months."

* "If I am just strong enough, putting in enough self-effort, I can overcome anything." is challenged by: "I have limitations.  I need sleep.  I need alone time.  I need Jesus!  I need GRACE!  Resting in Grace and not trusting in my self-effort, is what leads to true change."

* "If I was a better mom, my kids would be eating organic everything, play outdoors for hours, and never watch TV" is challenged by: "Reality is, there are times when going outdoors is just not feasible, and I need them to be still, and we can't afford that kind of food.  Yes, I could be more creative, but sometimes it just means having frozen veggies alongside a sandwich, while watching Blue's Clue's together."

* "I've done something wrong, cuz Life isn't what I thought it would be." is challenged by....well, lol, when does it ever turn out how we expect?! 

Ok, enough of that....there's a smattering for you of some of my rolling thoughts. 


Use what you have, and try to have a smile served up alongside.  I've been given what I need for Today. 



Daily Bread: not served with a plan, but by a Good Father.

Getting Dressed

We're walking out the door, but had to share this now, cuz if I wait for later, it'll never happen.  I'm ok to be a few min. late for moments like this :)


Alex is almost 4 (what?!), and has been dressing himself for some time now.  Usually, he gets a tshirt and a pair of jeans and calls it done.  Every now and then, though, we'll get a....unique outfit.  Today was one such day.

He found this random pair of blue dress pants (where did they come from?  some hidden corner of his drawer?) and had this green, yellow, brown, and red striped collared dress shirt.  Doesn't look too bad, but wasn't exactly the most, well, together, outfit.  I usually  make suggestions about what might work better, but then I don't push it (pick your battles, right?).  He actually took my suggestion of finding a white shirt, and came out with a dress shirt that looks very nice on him. 

I was quite pleased about him actually going to Bible Study looking so nice, when he comes out with this orange beenie, mittens, and a giant smile.

"I'm going to wear these so Grandma can see how handsome! I am."  (Yes, he emphasized that word)

Yes, Alex, go ahead.  Not a problem at all.  :)

Yes means No.

Ah, this confuses my heart.  Why does my yes mean no?!  Why, when I say "Yes" to one thing, does it mean I am saying "No" to so many other things?

Basically, my inner-toddler-heart want to know:

Why can't I have it all?  

::slams hands and feet down on carpet while whining::

 And, more deeply: What will I ruin/destroy/hurt by choosing wrong?

In this season of motherhood, I am constantly thinking about this.  I really have chilled out a lot in recent months - accepting the groove of life and the limitations it has - but today it's bugging me again.  [as an aside: I am hopeful to move this blog into stories, reviews, and other positive things, and not just my ramblings, but dang it if I just don't make that time happen!  Hence my current post, actually....lol]

Do I just need to shut up and act?  Stop analyzing and just do? 
But do what?
When?
With whom?

In the small moments of free time I get, I want to be able to make time for a (all?) friend AND clean the house AND do taxes AND play with the boys AND get alone time AND enjoy the weather AND go deeper with Jesus AND have fun with Kris AND AND AND.....  I can't.  I used to be ok with this....humanity of mine.  But that was when I could do it all, and I didn't feel the sting of the Unfinished hanging over me constantly.

Well.....Hmmm..... I wonder if I really even could before, or if I just more easily bought into the illusion of completion/perfection, when I didn't have the boys?  I mean, my Type A-perfectionistic personality had a hay-day (pre-kids) as long as I wasn't sick (I did do well at resting then - only logical, right?).  I really could do it all.  Well, mostly.  Well, at least the cleaning/laundry/dishes/cooking/learning/teaching/school/work/relationships/service/church/downtime/to-do list stuff.  yeah: over-achiever.

But, now, my Urgent Priorities are what drives the day.  Not my personality.  Not my plan.  Oh sure, I have a routine now (thank You, God!), but it's just packed so tight with Life right now.  Why is that even a problem for me?  I don't have a terminally sick child.  Kris has work.  We live in an awesome home with supportive family close by.  Why all this negativity, Carlene?  (What is it about some days bringing this stuff to the surface?  Sheesh.) 

Oh, how hard I find it to change a personality.  Can I?  Should I?  Does God?  Am I this way cuz of negative/sin/warped choices, or it's just me: worthwhile, beautiful, lovely Carlene?  How do I hold onto the Good?  How do I surrender and be still?

And, how on earth am I to see clearly what my priorities even are when I make all these choices?

Tyranny of the Urgent = Lame

When it is time to work and when do I need to play?  When do I teach and when do I release?  When do I plan and when do I let free-time happen?  When do I make things happen months in advance and when do I accept the spur-of-the-moment?  When do I make a list of friends to call and when do I wait for my Introverted self to be ready to interact with others?  If I accept any one of these, at any given moment, I am saying no to the others.  Why do I need to be told this...this....Life thing?  Why am I so afraid to live out a method for a while and then adjust as needed?  I am still so driven by others' expectations....  Why?

No clue.  Such is life - choices.  I mean, we all have to make them every day, right?

For me,
Surrendering control is hard. 
Surrendering comfort is harder. 
Surrendering understanding is the hardest. 

I want to know I did it well.  Now. 

Truly, I am mostly ok with things not being perfect, but I want things to at least be completed.  Sometime before I'm 50.  And, seriously, I think I have way too many goals in my life, cuz I'm lucky to work on a single step of a single goal on a given week.  Maintaining Life is a lot of work with little ones and I have some high standards as my ideal.  And, oh I just relate with Mommy Guilt riding me no matter what I choose in a day.

I'm afraid I'm missing this precious season.  These pre-school years with these precious little humans entrusted to my care.  This freedom to not have the confines of a system's standards (except, I thrive in such an area).  Would a small town be easier to live in?  I feel so aligned with the values of a small town, yet perhaps I'm just not accepting Reality, and that will follow me no matter where we plant??  And, how about all of the essential eternal values I need to be focusing on for myself, my family, and those around me?  I mean, come on, am I just way too caught up in the American Dream?  Grrr to you, Uncertainty. 

::overwhelmed::




And, I am purposefully choosing to write, and end, this blog without resolution or on a positive note.  I'm trying to remember what it is to be in process.  There is freedom there, and I am hungry for it once again.  Hence: I am practicing being ok with not being ok.  ;)