Getting Dressed

We're walking out the door, but had to share this now, cuz if I wait for later, it'll never happen.  I'm ok to be a few min. late for moments like this :)


Alex is almost 4 (what?!), and has been dressing himself for some time now.  Usually, he gets a tshirt and a pair of jeans and calls it done.  Every now and then, though, we'll get a....unique outfit.  Today was one such day.

He found this random pair of blue dress pants (where did they come from?  some hidden corner of his drawer?) and had this green, yellow, brown, and red striped collared dress shirt.  Doesn't look too bad, but wasn't exactly the most, well, together, outfit.  I usually  make suggestions about what might work better, but then I don't push it (pick your battles, right?).  He actually took my suggestion of finding a white shirt, and came out with a dress shirt that looks very nice on him. 

I was quite pleased about him actually going to Bible Study looking so nice, when he comes out with this orange beenie, mittens, and a giant smile.

"I'm going to wear these so Grandma can see how handsome! I am."  (Yes, he emphasized that word)

Yes, Alex, go ahead.  Not a problem at all.  :)

Yes means No.

Ah, this confuses my heart.  Why does my yes mean no?!  Why, when I say "Yes" to one thing, does it mean I am saying "No" to so many other things?

Basically, my inner-toddler-heart want to know:

Why can't I have it all?  

::slams hands and feet down on carpet while whining::

 And, more deeply: What will I ruin/destroy/hurt by choosing wrong?

In this season of motherhood, I am constantly thinking about this.  I really have chilled out a lot in recent months - accepting the groove of life and the limitations it has - but today it's bugging me again.  [as an aside: I am hopeful to move this blog into stories, reviews, and other positive things, and not just my ramblings, but dang it if I just don't make that time happen!  Hence my current post, actually....lol]

Do I just need to shut up and act?  Stop analyzing and just do? 
But do what?
When?
With whom?

In the small moments of free time I get, I want to be able to make time for a (all?) friend AND clean the house AND do taxes AND play with the boys AND get alone time AND enjoy the weather AND go deeper with Jesus AND have fun with Kris AND AND AND.....  I can't.  I used to be ok with this....humanity of mine.  But that was when I could do it all, and I didn't feel the sting of the Unfinished hanging over me constantly.

Well.....Hmmm..... I wonder if I really even could before, or if I just more easily bought into the illusion of completion/perfection, when I didn't have the boys?  I mean, my Type A-perfectionistic personality had a hay-day (pre-kids) as long as I wasn't sick (I did do well at resting then - only logical, right?).  I really could do it all.  Well, mostly.  Well, at least the cleaning/laundry/dishes/cooking/learning/teaching/school/work/relationships/service/church/downtime/to-do list stuff.  yeah: over-achiever.

But, now, my Urgent Priorities are what drives the day.  Not my personality.  Not my plan.  Oh sure, I have a routine now (thank You, God!), but it's just packed so tight with Life right now.  Why is that even a problem for me?  I don't have a terminally sick child.  Kris has work.  We live in an awesome home with supportive family close by.  Why all this negativity, Carlene?  (What is it about some days bringing this stuff to the surface?  Sheesh.) 

Oh, how hard I find it to change a personality.  Can I?  Should I?  Does God?  Am I this way cuz of negative/sin/warped choices, or it's just me: worthwhile, beautiful, lovely Carlene?  How do I hold onto the Good?  How do I surrender and be still?

And, how on earth am I to see clearly what my priorities even are when I make all these choices?

Tyranny of the Urgent = Lame

When it is time to work and when do I need to play?  When do I teach and when do I release?  When do I plan and when do I let free-time happen?  When do I make things happen months in advance and when do I accept the spur-of-the-moment?  When do I make a list of friends to call and when do I wait for my Introverted self to be ready to interact with others?  If I accept any one of these, at any given moment, I am saying no to the others.  Why do I need to be told this...this....Life thing?  Why am I so afraid to live out a method for a while and then adjust as needed?  I am still so driven by others' expectations....  Why?

No clue.  Such is life - choices.  I mean, we all have to make them every day, right?

For me,
Surrendering control is hard. 
Surrendering comfort is harder. 
Surrendering understanding is the hardest. 

I want to know I did it well.  Now. 

Truly, I am mostly ok with things not being perfect, but I want things to at least be completed.  Sometime before I'm 50.  And, seriously, I think I have way too many goals in my life, cuz I'm lucky to work on a single step of a single goal on a given week.  Maintaining Life is a lot of work with little ones and I have some high standards as my ideal.  And, oh I just relate with Mommy Guilt riding me no matter what I choose in a day.

I'm afraid I'm missing this precious season.  These pre-school years with these precious little humans entrusted to my care.  This freedom to not have the confines of a system's standards (except, I thrive in such an area).  Would a small town be easier to live in?  I feel so aligned with the values of a small town, yet perhaps I'm just not accepting Reality, and that will follow me no matter where we plant??  And, how about all of the essential eternal values I need to be focusing on for myself, my family, and those around me?  I mean, come on, am I just way too caught up in the American Dream?  Grrr to you, Uncertainty. 

::overwhelmed::




And, I am purposefully choosing to write, and end, this blog without resolution or on a positive note.  I'm trying to remember what it is to be in process.  There is freedom there, and I am hungry for it once again.  Hence: I am practicing being ok with not being ok.  ;)