Did ya notice? Did ya? DID YA?!

I think it's intriguing how much we want to align ourselves with the winners/good looking/popular.  I've recently been noticing how deep this goes:

• If a baby is cute, you want to hold him/her.
• If a team begins to win, you go to the games.
• If you look nice, you want to be seen by someone important.
• If you notice an attractive person driving, you want them to smile/approve/notice you.
• If a friend knows someone, who once talked to someone, who was neighbors with someone, who appeared on TV once 10 years ago, well, we brag about our connection to them.  (lol)

 Ok, my point being this: we look to so many PEOPLE to give us worth/name us/validate us, when the true source of that can only come from God.  Does He work through people?  Defintiely.  Does He work through the random strangers/gorgeous/famous/etc?  Perhaps.

Basically, I know I need to check myself on where I get my "oh, so I'm awesome too" feelings.  God has already given me His love, which is more than enough! 




Will I let it be?

My Fear of "Normal Life"

I think this fear began during a conversation with Brad Ellgen (8 years ago?), when he told me "you don't want to live a normal life (i.e. be a soccer mom)."  Whether or not my immature high school ears heard it how he intended, it has stuck with me. 

There is a huge part of my heart that wants to do extoridnary and fantastic and huge things in life.  Even though I have rarely desired the "normal" things of our culture (so, fine, I'm wired to be a no-go for a normal life in that way), I do still desire to be accepted/appreciated in a unique/only-Carlene way.  Also, I feel responsible for the talents and opportunities I've been given, yet somehow "turning inward," and just living my day-to-day life, seems incredibly selfish/not an option/unfulfilling.  This causes a lot of tension in me, my marriage, my friendships, etc. because I have this "this should be bigger/more" thought in the back of my mind far too often.  Lame.

So.

Why do I always look for some lesson in EVERYTHING?  Why am I afraid to simply take life as it comes?  Why can't I appreciate the daily routine, instead of feeling like a failure for not doing something fantastic and major efficient with every second?  Why am I afraid of the mundane?  What is it in my generation/culture that pushes for the extraordinary?

I always get on Kris for being too much of a thrill seeker, but perhaps I am just as addicted....only my thrills are in success, efficiency, growth/maturity, and tangible progress being made at something I can see/measure. 

I don't think it's bad to be a self-motivated person, nor is it wrong to have goals/dreams and to work towards them...My question is whether or not it's ok for me to be so desperately incapable of accepting my daily life as good enough.  

Ok, well, when I put it that way: not ok.

.....So, what to do? 

I guess I am mostly driven by fear (oh, so not ok):  Fear of missing out on some amazing option that only lasts during this specific season of life; Fear of having regret in how I parented/stressed out/didn't use my time well; Fear of choosing the wrong thing and not having a second (or fifty-third!) chance.

How do I become ok with doing things for myself (reading, working out, alone time) on a bigger level (i.e. more than just randomly), and it not become selfish/neglectful?  How do I wrestle through my desire to have more kids, when I can barely make all the plates fly now?  How do I accept my daily routine as fulfilling/satisfying/worthy/blessing/gift?  Oh, how wrong of me to mock this beautiful life I have, wishing for something more!

So.

I have not been given a spirit of fear.  How do I walk in that?  God's grace is sufficient for me.  How do I live that out?  God is sovereign and good.  How do I trust Him more fully?  God is in control.  How do I give control up?

::curious::

long time no see.....and bye again!

It's been a month since I've written.


oops.  :/



I have lots to say, but somehow the time to write it down (or just to remember it!), just keeps slipping away....And since naptime just ended for my sick toddler quicker than normal, it's gonna be a bit longer still.  Adios!



[Sadness.]

asking for help

Just a quick note for a couple of rambling thoughts:

* I'm not doing any better asking for help, but I am definitely getting more excited to do it.  lol.  I want alone time more and more.  I want time with my husband consistently.  I want time with the Lord in the morning.  Perhaps these things can happen if I ask for help or give up sleep?  (sigh, sleeping is so dang powerful for me right now, but  my heart/mind are also deprived.  So perhaps I can compromise and be more filled all the way around?  I hope so....)

* I got 30 whole minutes of calm time with Abba this morning (boys were sleeping/waking up happy!), and it was helped my entire day be more holy.  Oh to do this every day!  I wish I could feel more free to drop my boys off somewhere, or have help over here....my friends do it all the time. Why can't I?

* I've realized an entire new level of selfishness in me.  crap.  a childhood song has been playing in my mind: "make me a servant, humble and meek.  Lord let me lift up those who are weak, and may the prayer of my heart always be: make me a servant today."  Parenting two has opened up new levels of selfishness and new levels of needing to find healthy/joyful moments on a daily basis.  Oh for discernment to know the difference and to choose to serve with a happy heart.

* Diapers, Pacifiers, and Other Holy Things - an amazing devotional book I'm reading that the Spirit is MAJORLY speaking to me through.  Thank You, Abba.

* I really miss my consistent, deep, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional conversations/relationships that I used to have....well, I still have them, but they're long-distance now, and quite infrequent :(   Can I make those types of relationships here?  It feels impossible....but I am so hungry for them!  Oh, Spirit, help me!  fill me!