birth, death, and redemption

Abba has been doing a bunch of reminding lately.....mostly that life with Him is most often about me letting go of my own ideas, dreams, hopes, plans, and then surrendering to His.  I don't think this has ever been more real to me than now, in this potent season of sacrifice: motherhood.

I see no possible hope for my dreams coming to fruition any time soon, if ever.  I just don't see how I could pursue my MA/Dr, teach college, lead youth, write books, speak, do missions, do consistent ministry, travel, etc, and not be giving up the very precious responsibility I now have.  Also, I don't see how I could even pursue those things even if I didn't have kids....they seem like pointless wisps of something greater.  I know God is a worker of miracles, and could very well allow me to do these things if it was His will, and yet, I am feeling more and more that He wants me to

release control.
mourn the loss.
accept my 'now.'
trust Him to work....in HIS way...in HIS timing.

That last part is really the kicker for me.  Perhaps I've never really trusted God to introduce the next season of life/dreams/goals when it is really perfect for me to have them.  Maybe I've never really seen God as my Daddy who has perfect knowledge of how (and when) I can accomplish the dreams He's placed in my heart.  Maybe I haven't been able to actually let go of something that is not right (in timing or for His will).  Maybe I've never really believed that He's in total control, and if it is apart of His will, He'll be the One to make it happen (i've seen this with mission trips, ministry, friendships, marriage, kids, moving, college, and a host of other life-changing moments in my life, yet right now He doesn't seem so present).

I think I've got this urgent "Only have one life, you've been given so much, better learn and do all you can, and don't screw it up" thinking that really just has to go.  God is big enough to introduce me into the next level of His will, in His way/timing, and I don't need to control that for Him.  really, I don't.

Maybe I can't see how He'll do it.  Maybe I won't get to do the things I desire.  Maybe it'll actually be something better.  Maybe I'm holding onto plastic pearls and He wants to give me real ones.  Maybe.

But I know He's calling me to new places of worship and trust.

It is hard.
I cry a lot.

But I know I don't have as good of a vantage point as my Papa, so...

::working at letting go and letting God::


[always amazed at how cliches actually speak so much truth, but they don't work for us until we live it out]

burn out

I am so done. 

[I actually have a lot of cool thoughts to write about (no worries, i've been taking notes!), but i have ZERO energy to do anything beyond write a couple sentences and crawl into bed.  also, we've been having bad computer problems all day, so my desire to sit any longer on this lame machine is about zilch.  but at least we didn't lose our hard drive!!!!]

anyways.

I've had very little free time (even at night) the last couple weeks, and it's taken it's toll.  I am worn out.  utterly spent.  tired of moving.  getting angry at life "norms" because i'm not getting filled. so sick of sickness in this household.  and angry that i can't get a little perspective to recognize it's just some cold/flu stuff and will be gone soon enough.

(Come on, Carlene, people have major sickness all the time and learn to deal, how come you can't handle some normal sick time from yourself/family?

no clue.)

All I know is I'm empty.  I'm angry.  I"m tired.  I'm negative.  not a good combination.

Own your Life, part 2

[warning: rant to come]

I was listening to Christian radio the other day, and during one of their "non-commercial commercials" they were promoting a free Bible study guide on their website.  Now, I'm all about getting the Word out to people, and I think it's awesome that we have access to such opportunities as this...

BUT

I think we are beginning to cross the line of what are helpful/team-building/relational programs, and what only serve to offer yet another crutch for an immature culture.

Think about it: if I don't have the perfectly tailored exercise program, I'm off the hook for being over weight ("so buy our gym membership cuz we'll get you in shape!").  If I don't get the easiest access to scholarships, then I'm off the hook for being in debt ("so come to our school, where we'll get you the most for your money!").  If I wasn't told to not drink while being pregannt, well it's not my fault my baby has fetal alcohol syndrome ("so read 10,000 pamplets everytime you're in the doc's office, so you won't sue us!").

Come on, people.  It's not the world, church, government, school, or grocery store's job to make sure you're living a healthy, wise, financially secure, godly life!  Do we need help in life?  Yes.  But we do NOT need to wait to create a habit (or change one!) until someone comes up with some program/flyer/saying that will help you along.

Grow up.  Own your life.

False Urgency

I wonder if people were more capable of leading a simple, joyful, relational life when it wasn't filled with all of the "MUST STAY UP TO DATE on everything possible in our world" belief that we're bombarded with at every turn in our post-modern world? 

Ok, dramatics aside (who, me? dramatic?), I wish we weren't supposed to know what's going on in world news, hollywood, local problems, global disasters, and the like.  Isn't it enough to take care of our own family's?   to provide a healthy and loving environment for living in daily?  to spend our energy/concern/worry/prayers on those nearest us?  to dive into church/neighborhood/family/friends because that's where we find our sense of belonging and pride?

I wish we had more of an acceptance for those who want to choose that...and that it wouldn't be seen as ignorant or naive, but rather as owning your life and taking responsibility for the days we've been given.