Jesus in the Now.

It has been a crazy couple of months.  I can't believe, truly, I can NOT believe we're already chugging strong into July.  What happened?!  Holy cow, I never knew how busy I would be as a mom of kids who have no...well, life, I guess.

I've been very contemplative recently, rather melancholy even, of many blog-worthy things: technology and my need of it; pleasure/rest is not bad; boundaries for my family; boundaries for me; serving and loving others well; pursuing God; releasing the past; trusting for the future; being content in the moment; catching up on relationships; keeping house; letting life be messy; getting time with Kris; getting alone time; being too tired for anything fun; mourning the loss of my independence; budgeting; saving; and too many more things to list even in a run-on paragraph.

One of the biggest things I've been walking through these last weeks is that I really, truly, have been mourning the loss of my mind.  I literally feel as though I cannot hold the same thoughts/patterns/questions/intelligence/ideas/responsibilities/etc. as I used to be able to do, and when I interact with my friends who are living a different life than I am (continuing education, career, no kids, missions), this in particular rears its head and I just collapse under the reality.  Yes, dramatic, I know, but truly how I feel: collapsed.  stripped of my worth and value.  I am getting so tired of such drastic emotions all the time!  I feel incredible immature and stupid in how I'm responding to people, and this makes me soooooo sad.

beyond sad.  not me.

Joking about 'mom-brain' was once funny, but now I think it's real.  tragic.  When I try to converse with people on the level I used to enter into...I can't.  I have no wisdom or opinions to offer.  I've lost my marbles, as Toodles so well says.  And I doubt they're returning anytime soon.

Wish I could blog about the random cool thoughts that do occasionly pop up.  [but I can't remember them]
Wish I could chat about daily life and post pics on here more often. [but our computer/laptops are fried and I'm rarely online, or with access to pictures]
Wish our hard drive didn't crash and kill the last 3 years of my life in pictures/videos/doc's. [guess I need to learn to back things up properly.  yeah, the backups are toast somehow too.]
Wish I lived in a more simple era, where survival was a main concern, and you weren't hounded with a constant false reality of: all-of-life-exists-to-please-you-so-you'd-better-buy-this-product-if-you're-not-happy CRAP.  [why can't it be ok to live simply? not plugged in?  not involved excessively in ?]
Wish I could walk in joy like I used to. [but Jesus is in the Now, Carlene, rest in Him!]
Wish I ...

eh, this isn't helping very much, is it?  who wants to read a narcissistic and meloncholy blog?  I sure don't.....  maybe I'm self-sabatoging while still craving intimacy?  Maybe i just need some good friend time?  Maybe I need to stop all this whining and complaining?  Maybe I need to remember how to play?  Maybe I should stop comparing myself to other people - or to the past me?  Maybe I need to accept that this is the culture I live in and stop fighting every aspect of it?  Maybe I need to release my dreams of a dependent-on-Jesus-alone-missionary life (course, maybe my stereotype is all wrong and I am living that now??  like, I'm always dependent on Him!)?  Maybe I need to see the Now that I live in as a place where I can honor God and grow closer to Him? 

hmm....

Well, I am thankful for my boys.  and
for my husband of almost 5 years. and
for the clouds.  and
for the pictures of my life that still exist.  and
for my friends who know my heart.  and
for a college/God experience during my transitory years into adulthood. and
for warm weather.  and
for the knowledge and desire to live a simple life.

Aaaaaaaand, Jon is up....thanks for hearing me vent.  I'm sorry that's all I seem to do on here...maybe one day I can be normal again and actually share things of value/cool thoughts?


(Woah, what is up with these dang crickets?!  Get out of my house, little creatures!  Go find some dirt....)

Focus on Jesus in the Now, not the ME in the past, or the MAYBE in the future.  

NOW is good, because Jesus IS.

[craving Life.]

Blessings

I have gone almost 5 whole days without putting in a movie for Alex.  It has been heaven.

I could definitely do the simple life thing....few distractions and 'have to's' keeping me from enjoying, teaching, resting, parenting in a wise and fun way.  I love that Alex learns how to play by himself and that things are ok if Mom's doing work too.  I love that he interacts with his brother and enjoyings running errands and thinks that an M and a W are the same letter.

It's been a good day.  Thank You, Abba.


Oh yeah, I can definitely do the simple life thing.  Jon agrees too.

My Scattered Brain

I'm sad today.  Frustrated with my immaturity and selfish desires.  Hungry for normal life - that thing where I don't second guess *literally* every decision in my day and where I feel at peace with how time is used.  I'm tired and hormonal.  I need a break.  I'm carrying burdens that are not mine to carry.  And my own burdens are not being handed over to Christ.  I'm frustrated with how much we shirk the Great to hold the crap.  I'm confused with how to approach those (who aren't asking for my advice) with red flags I have been seeing for years.  I'm unsure how I can go from a truly perfect morning yesterday to such a draining and off one today.  I want to laugh and play and enjoy my children.  I want to have more than a conversation with my computer, yet I am unsure who to go to here in town.  Why are we all too busy to have meaningful/real/honest/deep heart-to-hearts?!  :(  I wonder how I can have the depth of real living that used to exist for me, and I wonder why it went away.  I wonder why it's taking me so long to adjust to motherhood (i.e. have more than 2 or 3 days a month when I feel capable and excited to be where I'm at) when others seem to get along really well, really quickly. 

sigh

I am excited to see Alex communicating with words.  I am excited to have grass beginning to grow in our backyard.  I enjoy that Jon can have tummy time with toys and be content for longer than 30 seconds.  I am thankful we have AC.  I am glad I married a hard-working and honest man.  I am so blessed to have attended CCU in the years I did, with the prof's I did, and the ministries/missions/roommates/classes/friends I had.  I'm thankful that God is present and honest and true and good and real and in control, even when life screams otherwise.  I am thankful for His grace, cuz I am not anywhere close to good enough - in word, deed, or thought.  I am glad that He has a clue, cuz I have none.  I am glad He "puts up with" my perfectionistic attitude and always-on-the-go heart.  I am learning He might even like who I am....  I am thankful my years of stress in choosing college/husband/kids/house are past.  I am glad to be living in a house with only my family.  I am thankful I don't live in a cold/snowy climate.  I'm glad I have fruit nearby.  I'm excited to have a garden.  I'm thankful for garage sales and craig's list so we can get new/nice things for way cheaper.  I'm glad we're almost completely following our budget.  I'm thankful I can read.  I'm glad that God chose me while I was in my sins and that He doesn't leave me when I screw up.  which is often.

ok, so I need a perspective shift.  and a nap.  and probably a walk.  and definitely a good cry.  oh, and a friend. 

God, can You help me out?  can I ask for more things, or is this a time to release and rest?  Do I have permission to even do that?  I'm hurting and in need and wish I had more control over my emotions, time, energy, and thoughts.  Be near, for I am lost today.  I wish I wasn't sucked so dry doing something that has such good benefits.  help me to see from Your perspective and please let Your grace fall on me in a real way today. 

KGP, Carlene.

birth, death, and redemption

Abba has been doing a bunch of reminding lately.....mostly that life with Him is most often about me letting go of my own ideas, dreams, hopes, plans, and then surrendering to His.  I don't think this has ever been more real to me than now, in this potent season of sacrifice: motherhood.

I see no possible hope for my dreams coming to fruition any time soon, if ever.  I just don't see how I could pursue my MA/Dr, teach college, lead youth, write books, speak, do missions, do consistent ministry, travel, etc, and not be giving up the very precious responsibility I now have.  Also, I don't see how I could even pursue those things even if I didn't have kids....they seem like pointless wisps of something greater.  I know God is a worker of miracles, and could very well allow me to do these things if it was His will, and yet, I am feeling more and more that He wants me to

release control.
mourn the loss.
accept my 'now.'
trust Him to work....in HIS way...in HIS timing.

That last part is really the kicker for me.  Perhaps I've never really trusted God to introduce the next season of life/dreams/goals when it is really perfect for me to have them.  Maybe I've never really seen God as my Daddy who has perfect knowledge of how (and when) I can accomplish the dreams He's placed in my heart.  Maybe I haven't been able to actually let go of something that is not right (in timing or for His will).  Maybe I've never really believed that He's in total control, and if it is apart of His will, He'll be the One to make it happen (i've seen this with mission trips, ministry, friendships, marriage, kids, moving, college, and a host of other life-changing moments in my life, yet right now He doesn't seem so present).

I think I've got this urgent "Only have one life, you've been given so much, better learn and do all you can, and don't screw it up" thinking that really just has to go.  God is big enough to introduce me into the next level of His will, in His way/timing, and I don't need to control that for Him.  really, I don't.

Maybe I can't see how He'll do it.  Maybe I won't get to do the things I desire.  Maybe it'll actually be something better.  Maybe I'm holding onto plastic pearls and He wants to give me real ones.  Maybe.

But I know He's calling me to new places of worship and trust.

It is hard.
I cry a lot.

But I know I don't have as good of a vantage point as my Papa, so...

::working at letting go and letting God::


[always amazed at how cliches actually speak so much truth, but they don't work for us until we live it out]