Contemplating giving up facebook to just focus on blogging...I'm sick of the polite and shallow crap that is inevitable when people try to do relationships SOLELY online.
Trying to be thankful for the cute antics my boys are doing (Alex playing with play doh and Jon chasing a ball), instead of dwelling on how tired I am.
Recognizing how much I'm in a depressed and comparing and lonely mood right now, yet being unable to move past it, makes for a very draining and guilty and long day.
Excited to be learning vocab for sign language. I hope it keeps going. I hope Alex continues to love it.
Admitting to feeling lonely is an odd emotional truth for me. Since I'm such an indepent introvert, I suppose it's cuz I can't be indepent or alone consistenly, that makes the social time I do get not refreshing/connecting.
I miss true friends involved in a shared life. A lot.
I wish I was understood by people here (and I them!), yet perhaps I am simply unrealistic? AZ seems to be a place of longing for me...ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be known. I experienced that in CO, but not here. Why?
I find myself jealous of what my good friends are able to walk in, that I can't - with people and with the Lord. How unloving and judgmental of me! sigh
Why is life right now not enough/fulfilling? Why do I have such pressure on myself? Why am I still so stuck in performing and perfectionism? I blame myself very easily....I don't know how to walk in grace. Who shall teach me? How can I learn? Where are mentors?
An old youth leader recently apologized and modeled a deep sense of humility, trust, and obedience to the Lord. His story is one of redemption and grace. Oh Lord, show me how to accept Truth.
Jesus.....
Friday, November 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Recent Days...
Right now I'm (discreetly) watching the boys pull out movies from a drawer they're not supposed to be playing in... I'm just too tired to do something about it (until it starts getting destructive, that is). Being tired is one of the hardest things for me to function with. I hate being weak. I hate being average. I hate being so...well, prideful! lol
There are some days when I can accept my exhaustion and still rise up and have a great attitude/day. Then there are days when it is so dang debilitating! I hate that my mind still has the standards of "this is how you SHOULD be acting" (pre-kids, mind you) and because I can't, I label myself a failure/bad mom. Also exhausting. Not good.
Now, I will say that my heart, at least, is in a slightly better spot than it has been in many months. After talking with Pucci the other day, I have been holding on to a piece of truth that often eludes me: the reality of my frailty.
I am not perfect.
Really? No crap. What a concept, Carlene.
Except...
I live life as though I am.
Or should be.
Or can be.
But, what was so freeing about my convo with Dani is that it's finally starting to click (thank You, Holy Spirit!) that I really only have so much to give each day; because I. am. not. perfect. And, sometimes (most times!) I'm not going to be that awesome at all. Sure, there are days when I'm a GREAT mom/wife/friend, but lots of times I'm just mediocre, at best, and awful/selfish/lame sauce at worst. [Welcome to walking in Grace.]
In fact, if housework takes 10%, the boys 50%, friends/family 10%, alone time 10%, marriage 20%...well, that's got me pretty maxed out with the "most basic of life responsibilities." Yet, I add in SO much more to my days - work, errands, being exceptional at things where I could just be average - that I am very quickly overdrawn. I think I've spent the last 2+ years overdrafting and now I'm payin' up with some major interest.
I wonder how long it will take to get back to zero, let alone have some reserves that I can draw from to serve/follow dreams/have energy again? Hmm...
Anyways, the cool thing is that I'm realizing I have limits. I really SHOULD set boundaries in order to keep me functioning at a healthy level. It's no longer some abstract "healthy thing to do" (boundaries): it's a need. In fact, I'm slowly seeing how saying 'no' to Good Thing A will enable me to be a much better person doing Good Things B, C, D, E, F....And, yet, it's still so hard for me (performer/people-pleaser!) to say no - especially when I see a legit need. Or I just want to do Option A. That too.
Like, I'm pretty bad at being ok with not getting what I want. I don't want a lot of things in life, but I'm used to getting the things I do want. And....now that's changing/shifting/reshaping itself. Which is good, I know, but so dang hard to deny self/Good things!
Alright, one last thing: while in my quiet time yesterday morning with the Lord, I was venting about how mad/hurt I am that Kris isn't reading my needs very well right now. We're both in tough places emotionally, and while things do need to settle a bit on both of our ends, the Lord showed me how I was trying to make Kris my Source, and not Him.
Here's the analogy He gave me:
"Jesus is like the sun. Fellowship/relationships are like the moon. The sun provides the strength, sustenance, heat, light, etc. for life on this planet to exist. The moon, a reflection of the sun, is a great source of comfort, light, etc. but it changes form frequently, is not enough to sustain life on, and should never be used in PLACE of the sun. It's a reflection of the Real Light, and cannot give light apart from the sun itself anyways.
So, as long as I'm getting my sun-time, it's great to also enjoy the moon. But, if I'm only getting time with the moon, I will soon find my strength fading. The moon cannot take the place of the sun; Kris is not my source of Life, energy, or fulfillment. Kris is a great reflection of the Lord's love, but he is not the Lord Himself. I can see Jesus through Kris, yes, but if that's the only way I'm getting my "light/heat/warmth/vitamin D," well, I will soon find it a VERY inadequate way of living. Reflected light isn't very sustaining in the long run.
And, does getting major frustrated at the moon for only doing what it can do solve anything? No. Can I make the moon the sun? No. Can I ever receive from the moon what I can from the sun? Nope. I need to shift priorities so that I can engage in the true Source of life: Jesus. Only then can I be filled to overflowing. Only then can I be satisfied. Only then can I enjoy the relationships around me for what they are: reflections of the Lord's love and light."
Cool, huh? :) I love how the Spirit speaks to us in ways we need and understand. I'm such a fan. Thank You, Lord!
p.s. the boys are now watching a movie they, er, picked out, and I've got some black tea brewing...so all is well in my world right now. After all, I only have so much to give, ya know. ;)
p.p.s. I hope to blog sometime about the fallacy of self-actualization being our highest need. Thanks for screwin' up our generation, Maslow. (no worries, there's a lot to say, on both sides, but really, can we encourage selfishness anymore?! It's not about me.)
There are some days when I can accept my exhaustion and still rise up and have a great attitude/day. Then there are days when it is so dang debilitating! I hate that my mind still has the standards of "this is how you SHOULD be acting" (pre-kids, mind you) and because I can't, I label myself a failure/bad mom. Also exhausting. Not good.
Now, I will say that my heart, at least, is in a slightly better spot than it has been in many months. After talking with Pucci the other day, I have been holding on to a piece of truth that often eludes me: the reality of my frailty.
I am not perfect.
Really? No crap. What a concept, Carlene.
Except...
I live life as though I am.
Or should be.
Or can be.
But, what was so freeing about my convo with Dani is that it's finally starting to click (thank You, Holy Spirit!) that I really only have so much to give each day; because I. am. not. perfect. And, sometimes (most times!) I'm not going to be that awesome at all. Sure, there are days when I'm a GREAT mom/wife/friend, but lots of times I'm just mediocre, at best, and awful/selfish/lame sauce at worst. [Welcome to walking in Grace.]
In fact, if housework takes 10%, the boys 50%, friends/family 10%, alone time 10%, marriage 20%...well, that's got me pretty maxed out with the "most basic of life responsibilities." Yet, I add in SO much more to my days - work, errands, being exceptional at things where I could just be average - that I am very quickly overdrawn. I think I've spent the last 2+ years overdrafting and now I'm payin' up with some major interest.
I wonder how long it will take to get back to zero, let alone have some reserves that I can draw from to serve/follow dreams/have energy again? Hmm...
Anyways, the cool thing is that I'm realizing I have limits. I really SHOULD set boundaries in order to keep me functioning at a healthy level. It's no longer some abstract "healthy thing to do" (boundaries): it's a need. In fact, I'm slowly seeing how saying 'no' to Good Thing A will enable me to be a much better person doing Good Things B, C, D, E, F....And, yet, it's still so hard for me (performer/people-pleaser!) to say no - especially when I see a legit need. Or I just want to do Option A. That too.
Like, I'm pretty bad at being ok with not getting what I want. I don't want a lot of things in life, but I'm used to getting the things I do want. And....now that's changing/shifting/reshaping itself. Which is good, I know, but so dang hard to deny self/Good things!
Alright, one last thing: while in my quiet time yesterday morning with the Lord, I was venting about how mad/hurt I am that Kris isn't reading my needs very well right now. We're both in tough places emotionally, and while things do need to settle a bit on both of our ends, the Lord showed me how I was trying to make Kris my Source, and not Him.
Here's the analogy He gave me:
"Jesus is like the sun. Fellowship/relationships are like the moon. The sun provides the strength, sustenance, heat, light, etc. for life on this planet to exist. The moon, a reflection of the sun, is a great source of comfort, light, etc. but it changes form frequently, is not enough to sustain life on, and should never be used in PLACE of the sun. It's a reflection of the Real Light, and cannot give light apart from the sun itself anyways.
So, as long as I'm getting my sun-time, it's great to also enjoy the moon. But, if I'm only getting time with the moon, I will soon find my strength fading. The moon cannot take the place of the sun; Kris is not my source of Life, energy, or fulfillment. Kris is a great reflection of the Lord's love, but he is not the Lord Himself. I can see Jesus through Kris, yes, but if that's the only way I'm getting my "light/heat/warmth/vitamin D," well, I will soon find it a VERY inadequate way of living. Reflected light isn't very sustaining in the long run.
And, does getting major frustrated at the moon for only doing what it can do solve anything? No. Can I make the moon the sun? No. Can I ever receive from the moon what I can from the sun? Nope. I need to shift priorities so that I can engage in the true Source of life: Jesus. Only then can I be filled to overflowing. Only then can I be satisfied. Only then can I enjoy the relationships around me for what they are: reflections of the Lord's love and light."
Cool, huh? :) I love how the Spirit speaks to us in ways we need and understand. I'm such a fan. Thank You, Lord!
p.s. the boys are now watching a movie they, er, picked out, and I've got some black tea brewing...so all is well in my world right now. After all, I only have so much to give, ya know. ;)
p.p.s. I hope to blog sometime about the fallacy of self-actualization being our highest need. Thanks for screwin' up our generation, Maslow. (no worries, there's a lot to say, on both sides, but really, can we encourage selfishness anymore?! It's not about me.)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Eleuoepia, Freedom.
Recently, I've been feeling more and more free to be me, in Christ, without fear of what others will think. If I want to dress a certain way, spend my time at home, be with certain people, etc. that's ok. I don't have to have friendships just because I'm supposed to, nor do I have to look/act a certain way, because it's what I assume meets other's expectations (as a wife/mom/26 year old/college grad/woman)
It's like I'm a freshman in college all over again. Except worse, because at least then I had the desire and know-how of who I was/needed to be. Even in my walk with the Lord, I've been trying to act a certain way with Him, instead of being me.
Odd. Not healthy. Exhausting.
So, I guess I'm excited that I'm finally in a place to begin resting again. To walk in joy. To be who I am without apology or fear. And, from there, to be molded. to serve. to love. to live.
[hopeful]
Galations 5:13
For you have been called to FREEDOM! And not the freedom to satisfy the desires of your sinful nature (anger, bitterness, envy, hate), but freedom to serve one another in love.
It's like I'm a freshman in college all over again. Except worse, because at least then I had the desire and know-how of who I was/needed to be. Even in my walk with the Lord, I've been trying to act a certain way with Him, instead of being me.
Odd. Not healthy. Exhausting.
So, I guess I'm excited that I'm finally in a place to begin resting again. To walk in joy. To be who I am without apology or fear. And, from there, to be molded. to serve. to love. to live.
[hopeful]
Galations 5:13
For you have been called to FREEDOM! And not the freedom to satisfy the desires of your sinful nature (anger, bitterness, envy, hate), but freedom to serve one another in love.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Honesty, w/o apology or fear...
While perusing other blogs, I ran across a friend's comment which struck me. She spoke about how she will not apologize for being honest, even when it's messy and uncomfortable, for how else can the Body weep and rejoice with one another if Life always stays surfacy? I fell in love with this way of thinking during college, and it pains me that I have let it slip away.
For that is my heart's cry: deep and meaningful existence lived out alongside of others, and yet I see how much I live with an apology on either side of my shared reality. Which, if I'm honest, stems from a deep fear of rejection, coupled with my innate people-pleasing/never inconvenience others weakness. I have been redeemed, I am perfect in His eyes, I am set free from the law of sin and death, yet this season has been so muddled, that Truth has often been hard to hold on to.
Yes, these days I am rather chaotic, confused, uncertain, sad, angry, and hopeless, and I know it is not pleasant to constantly hear or be around such a melancholy heart... yet to those who know me...to those who know our Savior...I pray that I will be received with grace, so that, poured into, I may yet again pour out. someday. soon.
[hope.]
For that is my heart's cry: deep and meaningful existence lived out alongside of others, and yet I see how much I live with an apology on either side of my shared reality. Which, if I'm honest, stems from a deep fear of rejection, coupled with my innate people-pleasing/never inconvenience others weakness. I have been redeemed, I am perfect in His eyes, I am set free from the law of sin and death, yet this season has been so muddled, that Truth has often been hard to hold on to.
Yes, these days I am rather chaotic, confused, uncertain, sad, angry, and hopeless, and I know it is not pleasant to constantly hear or be around such a melancholy heart... yet to those who know me...to those who know our Savior...I pray that I will be received with grace, so that, poured into, I may yet again pour out. someday. soon.
[hope.]
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