Small Moments

Well, I keep writing and deleting sentences, in hopes that I'll have something more calm, good, cheerful, intelligent, and purposeful to say than I have in the last, oh, year.  Yet, it seems my heart is still in this place of transition.  Venting.  Recently, I've equated this season of change-transition, with transition as seen in labor.  Not very fun for me in either instance.

Now, in those moments - or hours - of transition, I lose my awareness of time.  There is only Now, and it feels never-ending.  One contraction just rolls over the next, with small moments of utter rest offered in between.  If I choose to rest, it is only the exhausting-peaceful kind, like after carrying a 200lb backpack uphill in the Andies for 10 days straight.  When I was in transition with Jon I remember grabbing Kris' hand and calming requesting (ha), "Tell me 'this too will pass'!"  He told me.  I didn't believe him.

But I continued on, in hopes that this pain would truly be for a good and beautiful purpose - bringing our baby into the world.  I would get to hold him soon (although I didn't know he was a 'he' yet!).  I kept going.

Like I had a choice. Ha.

So, these last 3 years have felt like transition to me: never-ending, one hardship/pain/challenge/sacrifice/difficulty/question after another.  Yes, there have been small moments of beauty, rest, connection, and peace.  But, all in all, it's been rough.  Barely time to breath; and the breathing I do is labored, not pretty or composed, focused, and desperate.

Honestly, it's been weird to be in need.  It's so humbling to actually be a mess, instead of just talking about it.  It's so hard for me to accept help, and even harder to ask for it.  It's hard to accept disapointments and harsh realities.  It's hard to connect with Jesus as I used to.  It's hard to connect with people.  It's hard to cease striving, be still, take care of my heart, hear the Lord, rest, have fun, and clean behind my ears.  It's frustrating that parenthood has been so difficult for me to walk in - I truly only heard of how wonderful it was; how much even the exhausting seasons were so meaningful.  I'm cynical and bitter more often than hopeful and loving.  Oh, to walk in freedom! grace! as I once did.

Yet, in small moments like this one, hope in God's faithfulness, goodness, pursuit, love, and tender mercy are still within.

   ¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.  ~Paul, 2 Cor. 4

it gets different.

As my mother-in-law was leaving from their 9-day vacation, she told me,

"Hang in there, it gets better....well, it gets different."

and it's stuck with me.  People often leave the cliche/encouragement there - "it gets better" - and it leaves me with this sense that this season is to be rushed through as quickly as possible.  (Yes, I know EVERY season of life has its good and bad, but for some reason, it finally clicked with me: this season has it's own unique perks and blessings that I will lose once the boys are grown.  Sure, they'll be replaced with other good things, but THIS season's good things will be gone with the season.)

[Welcome to a "duh" moment in my brain :)]

Yes, it's hard not having time for myself, my marriage, relationships, ministry, or school, and it's hard having such a physically exhausting daily life, BUT the choices that my boys will be free to make as they get older - good and bad - will bring about its own type of pain and heart ache.  Would I so easily trade one for the other? 

Today, I am glad I'm not in control of the process.  That I have lots of time to transition from one stage to the next.  That my kids really love and need me in such a great way.  That I get to hug them often.  That they think I'm really cool.  That they want to be just like Kris and I.  That their love is seen in their honest expressions of their hearts.

Yes, it gets better, but some things get worse.  Life is change, so embrace today.  Things will be different: such is the adventure.

Randomness of the day

Contemplating giving up facebook to just focus on blogging...I'm sick of the polite and shallow crap that is inevitable when people try to do relationships SOLELY online.

Trying to be thankful for the cute antics my boys are doing (Alex playing with play doh and Jon chasing a ball), instead of dwelling on how tired I am.

Recognizing how much I'm in a depressed and comparing and lonely mood right now, yet being unable to move past it, makes for a very draining and guilty and long day.

Excited to be learning vocab for sign language.  I hope it keeps going.  I hope Alex continues to love it.

Admitting to feeling lonely is an odd emotional truth for me.  Since I'm such an indepent introvert, I suppose it's cuz I can't be indepent or alone consistenly, that makes the social time I do get not refreshing/connecting.

I miss true friends involved in a shared life.  A lot.

I wish I was understood by people here (and I them!), yet perhaps I am simply unrealistic?  AZ seems to be a place of longing for me...ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be known.  I experienced that in CO, but not here.  Why?

I find myself jealous of what my good friends are able to walk in, that I can't - with people and with the Lord.  How unloving and judgmental of me!   sigh

Why is life right now not enough/fulfilling?  Why do I have such pressure on myself?  Why am I still so stuck in performing and perfectionism?  I blame myself very easily....I don't know how to walk in grace.  Who shall teach me?  How can I learn?  Where are mentors?

An old youth leader recently apologized and modeled a deep sense of humility, trust, and obedience to the Lord.  His story is one of redemption and grace.  Oh Lord, show me how to accept Truth.



Jesus.....

Recent Days...

Right now I'm (discreetly) watching the boys pull out movies from a drawer they're not supposed to be playing in...  I'm just too tired to do something about it (until it starts getting destructive, that is).  Being tired is one of the hardest things for me to function with.  I hate being weak.  I hate being average.  I hate being so...well, prideful!  lol

There are some days when I can accept my exhaustion and still rise up and have a great attitude/day.  Then there are days when it is so dang debilitating!  I hate that my mind still has the standards of "this is how you SHOULD be acting" (pre-kids, mind you) and because I can't, I label myself a failure/bad mom.  Also exhausting.  Not good.

Now, I will say that my heart, at least, is in a slightly better spot than it has been in many months.  After talking with Pucci the other day, I have been holding on to a piece of truth that often eludes me: the reality of my frailty.

I am not perfect.

Really?  No crap.  What a concept, Carlene. 

Except...
I live life as though I am. 
Or should be. 
Or can be. 

But, what was so freeing about my convo with Dani is that it's finally starting to click (thank You, Holy Spirit!) that I really only have so much to give each day; because I. am. not. perfect.  And, sometimes (most times!) I'm not going to be that awesome at all.  Sure, there are days when I'm a GREAT mom/wife/friend, but lots of times I'm just mediocre, at best, and awful/selfish/lame sauce at worst. [Welcome to walking in Grace.]

In fact, if housework takes 10%, the boys 50%, friends/family 10%, alone time 10%, marriage 20%...well, that's got me pretty maxed out with the "most basic of life responsibilities."  Yet, I add in SO much more to my days - work, errands, being exceptional at things where I could just be average - that I am very quickly overdrawn.  I think I've spent the last 2+ years overdrafting and now I'm payin' up with some major interest.

I wonder how long it will take to get back to zero, let alone have some reserves that I can draw from to serve/follow dreams/have energy again?  Hmm...

Anyways, the cool thing is that I'm realizing I have limits.  I really SHOULD set boundaries in order to keep me functioning at a healthy level.  It's no longer some abstract "healthy thing to do" (boundaries): it's a need.  In fact, I'm slowly seeing how saying 'no' to Good Thing A will enable me to be a much better person doing Good Things B, C, D, E, F....And, yet, it's still so hard for me (performer/people-pleaser!) to say no - especially when I see a legit need.  Or I just want to do Option A.  That too.

Like, I'm pretty bad at being ok with not getting what I want.  I don't want a lot of things in life, but I'm used to getting the things I do want.  And....now that's changing/shifting/reshaping itself.  Which is good, I know, but so dang hard to deny self/Good things!



Alright, one last thing: while in my quiet time yesterday morning with the Lord, I was venting about how mad/hurt I am that Kris isn't reading my needs very well right now.  We're both in tough places emotionally, and while things do need to settle a bit on both of our ends, the Lord showed me how I was trying to make Kris my Source, and not Him. 

Here's the analogy He gave me:
"Jesus is like the sun.  Fellowship/relationships are like the moon.  The sun provides the strength, sustenance, heat, light, etc. for life on this planet to exist.  The moon, a reflection of the sun, is a great source of comfort, light, etc. but it changes form frequently, is not enough to sustain life on, and should never be used in PLACE of the sun.  It's a reflection of the Real Light, and cannot give light apart from the sun itself anyways.

So, as long as I'm getting my sun-time, it's great to also enjoy the moon.  But, if I'm only getting time with the moon, I will soon find my strength fading.  The moon cannot take the place of the sun; Kris is not my source of Life, energy, or fulfillment.  Kris is a great reflection of the Lord's love, but he is not the Lord Himself.  I can see Jesus through Kris, yes, but if that's the only way I'm getting my "light/heat/warmth/vitamin D," well, I will soon find it a VERY inadequate way of living.  Reflected light isn't very sustaining in the long run.

And, does getting major frustrated at the moon for only doing what it can do solve anything?  No.  Can I make the moon the sun?  No.  Can I ever receive from the moon what I can from the sun?  Nope.  I need to shift priorities so that I can engage in the true Source of life: Jesus.  Only then can I be filled to overflowing.  Only then can I be satisfied.  Only then can I enjoy the relationships around me for what they are: reflections of the Lord's love and light."

Cool, huh? :)  I love how the Spirit speaks to us in ways we need and understand.  I'm such a fan.  Thank You, Lord!



p.s. the boys are now watching a movie they, er,  picked out, and I've got some black tea brewing...so all is well in my world right now.  After all, I only have so much to give, ya know. ;)

p.p.s. I hope to blog sometime about the fallacy of self-actualization being our highest need.  Thanks for screwin' up our generation, Maslow.  (no worries, there's a lot to say, on both sides, but really, can we encourage selfishness anymore?!  It's not about me.)