Why, hello!

I have limitations.
I am not perfect.
I am redeemed.
I am in process.
I like to have control.  a lot.
Living and Speaking the Truth, in Love, is where Freedom is found.
God is the One patient with me, not the other way around.
I don't have to be strong enough.
My faith doesn't have to be strong enough.
The Object of my faith IS strong enough.
I need rest. play. friends. projects. peace. sleep.
It's ok if arriving at a goal takes my whole life:  Small steps matter.
I'm not energized by people, so getting alone time isn't rejecting a relationship, but rather, caring for it.
I need to pour in, if I want to pour out.  "Be filled": an active receiving.
If I can't meet my own needs in this season, then receiving help - even from extra black tea - is ok.
Pursuing wants can be a beautiful and blessed part of Ordinary Life.
I have never been so inclined to run over read, so why stress that I'm still that way?  Pursuit of Health is enough.
Boundaries are from Jesus.  Such is where Freedom grows!
I may have to be "on" 24/7 as a mom, but I can no longer expect that I'll only get refill time a part from my Mom hat.  ::learning how to give and receive at the same time::
Small steps matter.  Even the REALLY small ones.
Jesus is passionate about the unrecognizable acts of service done in His name.  Attitude matters.  A lot.
Comparing sucks.  Stop doing it.
I don't need to apologize (or be embarrassed) for who God has made me to be.


Such are some things I've been learning over the past months.  More thoughts and details to follow, but I wanted to get in the blogging mode again.  Hope to see ya'll again sooner than February!
 

The Boys enjoying bath time.  Me enjoying their hair.  mwwaahhhaa :)



p.s. I've been having fun painting :)

p.p.s. I got a new tat :) :) "Truth" from John 8:32. and the flower is an orchid: "Perfection.Christ's blood"

Love the heart.

Life again...

http://www.tyndale.com/blog/?p=1042
I always love the hope of winning books :)


So, tis been a while, eh?  ...and I must say, things are both settling in and winding up.  I don't handle paradox's well.  Or balance.  Or keeping things in tension.  Which, as most of the Good things in life are handled in such ways, often distresses my extremist nature.

Today was interesting in that I realized Disappointment is probably the thing I fear the most - whether cuz I am a disappointment, or in being disappointed in others.  Some people take that fear and never hold expectations of anyone or anything, but I go to the opposite extreme. 

I hold SO many expectations over myself, irrationally thinking that if I meet every possibly imagined one, then I'll never be a disappointment to anyone.  And, likewise, if I hold people up to such unrealistic expectations, the disappointment is more familiar/less painful, for "how could they have done it anyways." 

Like, *actually* being disappointed - by realistic expectations - terrifies me.  Seriously, scared spit-less.  "Gonna go buy some boots and tremble in them" scared.  Not sure how to handle this revelation of my character, but the fist step is admitting it, eh?  :)



::on my way to somewhere...hopefully closer to Jesus::

Small Moments

Well, I keep writing and deleting sentences, in hopes that I'll have something more calm, good, cheerful, intelligent, and purposeful to say than I have in the last, oh, year.  Yet, it seems my heart is still in this place of transition.  Venting.  Recently, I've equated this season of change-transition, with transition as seen in labor.  Not very fun for me in either instance.

Now, in those moments - or hours - of transition, I lose my awareness of time.  There is only Now, and it feels never-ending.  One contraction just rolls over the next, with small moments of utter rest offered in between.  If I choose to rest, it is only the exhausting-peaceful kind, like after carrying a 200lb backpack uphill in the Andies for 10 days straight.  When I was in transition with Jon I remember grabbing Kris' hand and calming requesting (ha), "Tell me 'this too will pass'!"  He told me.  I didn't believe him.

But I continued on, in hopes that this pain would truly be for a good and beautiful purpose - bringing our baby into the world.  I would get to hold him soon (although I didn't know he was a 'he' yet!).  I kept going.

Like I had a choice. Ha.

So, these last 3 years have felt like transition to me: never-ending, one hardship/pain/challenge/sacrifice/difficulty/question after another.  Yes, there have been small moments of beauty, rest, connection, and peace.  But, all in all, it's been rough.  Barely time to breath; and the breathing I do is labored, not pretty or composed, focused, and desperate.

Honestly, it's been weird to be in need.  It's so humbling to actually be a mess, instead of just talking about it.  It's so hard for me to accept help, and even harder to ask for it.  It's hard to accept disapointments and harsh realities.  It's hard to connect with Jesus as I used to.  It's hard to connect with people.  It's hard to cease striving, be still, take care of my heart, hear the Lord, rest, have fun, and clean behind my ears.  It's frustrating that parenthood has been so difficult for me to walk in - I truly only heard of how wonderful it was; how much even the exhausting seasons were so meaningful.  I'm cynical and bitter more often than hopeful and loving.  Oh, to walk in freedom! grace! as I once did.

Yet, in small moments like this one, hope in God's faithfulness, goodness, pursuit, love, and tender mercy are still within.

   ¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.  ~Paul, 2 Cor. 4