Stay Connected. Or Else.

I know every subculture does this in its own way, but when the Christian culture jumps on the bandwagon of "buy our product cuz it's Jesus-approved." well, I get riled up.  This happens in a number of ways, I know (political, materials, business, church attendance, etc) but while listening to the radio this morning, a new wave hit me.

Now I am both thankful, and frustrated, with Christian radio, but when I'm listening to a clip about how hard it is to say goodbye to dear friends and then THAT is what segues into their promo for their new crack-berry app, agh.  ("Now you never have to say goodbye!") 

What?!  Shouldn't the Christian community be encouraging stillness?  connection with Jesus?  Learning how to be in the tension of the difficult?  UN-plugging?!

Man....Especially using the analogy of saying goodbye to dear friends...that could have been a great beginning to speak about the beautiful tension a Christian (in particular) has to live in of the "already, but not yet" that is our sanctification process!  The frequent times in life when God moves us to a different season before we're "ready."  The times of dealing with the finality of death.  The reality of eternity.  The temporary reality of sin.  The beauty of trusting in an eternal God.  Taking our pain and confusion and hurt to God and to others!

I mean, holy cow, are we just going to keep pushing pushing pushing for MORE all the time?!  More connection.  More plugged in.  More information.  More entertainment.  More noise. 

Sheesh.

Here I am, adding to the noise myself. 
Ah, there's a balance, for sure. 
This is the reality of our culture today, so ok. 

But, again, to have the church just keep on pushing for more activity and more noise....that really frustrates me.  ...ah, I wish we would begin encouraging the stillness and quiet required for our spirit's to be refreshed by the Word of Life.  [and we wonder why we're always exhausted and never satisfied.] 

I know we have a lot of legit reasons to be plugged in.  But what are we doing to our youth?  our children?  our families by always keeping up-to-date on EVERY frickin' thing under the sun?  Must we know all?  Are we really required to be 'on' all the time?  Why are we promoting the noise instead of teaching how to minimize it? 

We all have a sphere of influence.  I try to use mine to bring Life.  To encourage stillness (this is not lazy!).  Will you as well?  I would challenge you this week (myself too) to be intentional to be still for a while.  To minimize the noise.  To filter what exactly you 'need to know' and what are just silly illusions of control and escape.

...I mean, why do we need to be plugged in?  To respond so quickly?  Why do we replace real-time relationships with purely online connections?...Do we know how to prioritize and respond to what God calls us to?  Ah....I'm still so old fashioned in this...  perhaps it is me who must change and get with it??  hmm...

Agh, we are forgetting!  :(  We are forgetting how to listen.  How to speak.  How to hold one another in the midst of pain.  How to ask for help.  How to receive.  For REAL.

Stop being so busy. 

I need to stop being so busy.  What messages am I buying?  Why am I ALWAYS subject to the tyranny of the urgent?  Do I have a choice or not?  If I do, why am I so unwilling to write a better story?

Be still.  Listen.


BE. 

Right NOW...

• I have two amazing adults, Alex and Jon, living with me as toddlers.
• I have the privilege of simple living, by not having to work.
• I am provided the opportunity to laugh often, although it means overlooking many  messes/tasks.
• I can choose to engage in worshiping God, fellowship with my siblings pursuing Christ, learn from a humble teacher, and be still with my Savior for a few minutes a month, instead of rushing through Church as one more thing to get done this week.
• I can accept my needs and limitations, instead of pretending they're not there.
• I can listen to the Voice, who is not me; the Writer who knows what is best; the Master storyteller who desires to change my very character (yet will love me always, regardless, in spite of, because of who I am right NOW) as He whispers directions to my heart.

I can take advantage of the opportunities to grow, learn, be fulfilled that are currently before me, or I can ignore them and wish for the past to return, or for a future illusion to materialize.  I have many of the same needs as I did 10 years ago, but they must look different now, for I am different.  My choice.  My story. 

Will I be still and SEE what is before me Now? 
Will I receive the Good gifts before me? 
Will I meet my Savior where I'm at? 
Will I accept His grace?
Will I risk in order to live a Great Story?
Will I receive the adventure that is before me, which now includes Kris, Alex, and Jon, or will I pout that it's not what I thought?

At least it's being lived out.  I am living a story.  I do have people to pull me out of my daydreams.  I may kick and whine and complain, but 'progress, no matter how slow, is always good.'  My prayer is that I will begin to enjoy this story that the Master has placed me in.

I am the Variable, God is the Constant: Planning for Flexibility

I am trying to remember that I am not God.  [duh]  For some reason, while I emphatically believe this intellectually, it has not been hitting the functional/real life level these days.  Let me explain.

• I act as though my plans MUST happen because they are, obviously, the best.
• I act as if people, circumstances, weather, and life in general had better cooporate with my goals, because, obviously, I have the best paths to accomplishing my goals.
• I get angry when change happens and my (oh so awesome!) plans fall through.
• I make many goals - spiritually, relationally, emotionally, physically - and when they are not being accomplished posthaste, I am truly shocked.  Stunned.  Lost.
• I don't take the time to consult with Jesus about my, obviously, correctly-planned-out-day, and wonder why I feel so exhausted after such a busy/urgent/movement-filled day (life with toddlers aside).

These are a sampling of how easily it is for Truth to get all mixed up with my flawed perspectives.

Today I was reminded that it is the LORD Who determines my steps.
That it is by His Spirit that I have strength to overcome sin, struggles, trials, etc.
That my weaknesses are where God is most clearly seen.
That my need to surrender to His plan is the best way for my heart to find peace, rest, and hope.

I wonder, often, how God can have such eternal patience with someone like myself, who is constantly questioning questioning questioning...  I am a very inflexible person by nature (SO see Love in the Familiar), and while I can get 'great' things accomplished on my watch, it's only if all life's variables fall into place.  This is exceedingly rare with 2 toddlers and little sleep....

Learning to receive grace, to be in need, to ask for help, to adjust my plans, to not make plans, to listen to the Lord's whispers, to respond to my needs, to help another out....  Ah, this is the journey of today.  So, as I fight the thoughts Shame shouts at me ("if only you were more disciplined, you could have the house running, your needs met, and others could be blessed instead of inconvenienced!") and take these precious kid-free hours to think, rest, enjoy tea, and blog, please pray that my heart will surrender anew to the God Who Sees, El Roi.

God Sees.

Pray that I will trust HIM to provide what is needed, when it is needed.  Pray that I will cease striving.  Pray that I will receive grace.  For:

I am broken and weary....
guilty at not having so many 'basic' things caught up...
worried at upcoming/current changes to the boys' sleep patterns (Jon transitioning out of his crib; late nights with Youth Group)....
frustrated at my weakness/need for sleep and alone time....
exhausted by how busy I'm becoming (and these are supposed to be the CALM years?!)...
excited about new friends, but fearful at my limited strength ruining the fragile beginnings.....
sigh....

Pray that I will keep my eyes on Jesus and be still with Him.

Ponytails and No Nails: Motherhood

I have always been a person who enjoys casual living.  I love being able to wear clothes that I can get dirty, sweaty, work out in, and always be able to move/sit/stand as I want. Sure, there were the occasional times when I would have fun dressing up, putting makeup on, buying new clothes (ok, well, never really this one, lol), or getting my nails done.  However, when I became a mom, and this rare occurrence now became HUGELY more difficult, I suddenly embraced this weird expectation that I NEEDED to be as put-together as possible, as often as possible.  Talk about an opposite swing for my heart!

2008 Alex is 4 months.  Trying to look the part of the put-together mom, but inwardly exhausted beyond anything.  I could only handle another few months of the faking it before I crashed.

This has caused me no end of stress and guilt and shame for not being able to maintain even a small bit of this new standard.

Obviously, this problem is not all-encompassing of women who are mothers.  Many mothers make time to dress up and look awesome cuz that really IS how they unwind and find a sense of normalcy/control.  However, I have never been the type of person who enjoys dressing up (i.e. wearing makeup, not a tank top/jeans, doing my hair in something besides a ponytail).  But I hear so much about how to improve my self-esteem, marriage, spirituality, and overall sense of maturity by taking time to improve my looks, that it's been really hard to filter out what can work for me.

Is this a relative option?  Or a need for all women to mold in to?  Can I be so different and still be ok?

Now, to clarify, I'm a fan of self-care.  Hygiene.  Being attractive to your spouse.  Heck yes!  I really did enjoy the times of having Kris come home to a beautifully made-up Carlene.  But learning to accept that my personality is NOT one who benefits from consistently dressing up has been (for whatever reason) SUCH a challenge to me in these last 3+ years.

I mean, come on, how many women are out there who don't enjoy making themselves look beautiful?  How could this be ok for me?  I have a really hard time being different, let alone opposite of most people.  In fact, lots of my gal friends talk with great joy about how fun it is to wear a favorite dress, or look stunning for their man, or how they enjoy wearing business-casual to work, or how great it is to finally have an occasion to dress up, etc.

But!  Motherhood has made this even more impossible for me.  It's so dang impractical (especially to a person who never had this habit/desire!) to wear makeup when my face is smeared all the time by little hands.  To have my hair down when I'm constantly moving up, down, turn around, pick up, put down, chase, little hands in my hair, etc.  To wear nice clothes when I would get poop, pee, spit up, throw up, drool, food, drink, sweat, and all sorts of fun things all over me, all the time (yea for that minimizing a bit with infants growing up!).

So, ok.  Fine.  This season makes it hard on any woman to make time for those things.  But am I still ok when I do it even less than most?  Shouldn't Kris be able to come home to a nice-smelling, clean-house, fun clothes, calm, wife?  Shouldn't I make time to dress up to help improve my need to be seen as a real person?  Will people take me more seriously if my 12-year-old face has makeup on it?

Ah, I'm finally letting a lot of that go.  Slowly.  Seeing how comparing myself to others limits who I am in Christ.  Seeing that Carlene is ok as she is.  Learning how to make time for what's healthy and helpful for me.  I'm still so black-white in my thinking, but I'm slowly becoming ok with my uniqueness.  And actually enjoying it!

After Pucci and I spent the ENTIRE day making this delish pumpkin pie from scratch, we were pretty thrilled. I was free to be me.  2004

I have finally gotten into a rhythm that works well for me.  Thank You, Lord!  I make sure I'm dressed for the day before I get the kids up (which, I will say, is a HUGE accomplishment, as it used to be a big deal if I remembered to put on deodorant at all).  Kris watches the boys on Sunday morning so I can at least spend some time putting a nice face on and thinking about what fun clothes to wear.  When we have the occasional date night that includes an option to look nice, I enjoy being sexy for my man.

However, I've also learned to let go of the expectation (from culture? people? me?) to be someone I'm not.  My mom and sister, in particular, LOVE to get dressed up.  Daily.  (as per my idea of 'dressed up,' that is; they would just say it's normal day stuff :) )  And, while I definitely care about good hygiene, I no longer stress that I'm less of a woman because I like wearing tank tops and jeans.  After all, this is nothing new for me.  Kris dated me this way.  My friends were my friends with me having looked like this.  My worth is not based on how well-dressed I am.

God cares about the heart.  Now, this isn't an excuse to let myself go, but rather to let go of the obsession to please people by pretending to be who I'm not.  And, ironically enough, having let go of this 'must look like them' expectation, has freed me up to dress up how I like, when I like, for who I like!

I'm earthy.  Organic.  I like to wear homemade jewlrey and long skirts and clothes with sentimental value.  This is how Carlene dresses up.

Winter Park 2011

Fashion-conscious people may laugh and think I am so off, but that's slowly becoming less important to me.  It's awesome if you are able to stay with current trends and have fun doing it.  I have fun by NOT walking that path.  If I have a free 30 minutes to myself, I want to get a task done, nap, read, learn, call a friend, go for a walk, or cook something.  I've never had fun trying out new hairstyles or makeup combinations in my free time.

Not bad if you do.
Not bad if I don't.
Look nice by being yourself.
God'll grow me in His way.
I can trust Him. 
God's ok with me as I am.

And that's ok by me too.