Yes means No.

Ah, this confuses my heart.  Why does my yes mean no?!  Why, when I say "Yes" to one thing, does it mean I am saying "No" to so many other things?

Basically, my inner-toddler-heart want to know:

Why can't I have it all?  

::slams hands and feet down on carpet while whining::

 And, more deeply: What will I ruin/destroy/hurt by choosing wrong?

In this season of motherhood, I am constantly thinking about this.  I really have chilled out a lot in recent months - accepting the groove of life and the limitations it has - but today it's bugging me again.  [as an aside: I am hopeful to move this blog into stories, reviews, and other positive things, and not just my ramblings, but dang it if I just don't make that time happen!  Hence my current post, actually....lol]

Do I just need to shut up and act?  Stop analyzing and just do? 
But do what?
When?
With whom?

In the small moments of free time I get, I want to be able to make time for a (all?) friend AND clean the house AND do taxes AND play with the boys AND get alone time AND enjoy the weather AND go deeper with Jesus AND have fun with Kris AND AND AND.....  I can't.  I used to be ok with this....humanity of mine.  But that was when I could do it all, and I didn't feel the sting of the Unfinished hanging over me constantly.

Well.....Hmmm..... I wonder if I really even could before, or if I just more easily bought into the illusion of completion/perfection, when I didn't have the boys?  I mean, my Type A-perfectionistic personality had a hay-day (pre-kids) as long as I wasn't sick (I did do well at resting then - only logical, right?).  I really could do it all.  Well, mostly.  Well, at least the cleaning/laundry/dishes/cooking/learning/teaching/school/work/relationships/service/church/downtime/to-do list stuff.  yeah: over-achiever.

But, now, my Urgent Priorities are what drives the day.  Not my personality.  Not my plan.  Oh sure, I have a routine now (thank You, God!), but it's just packed so tight with Life right now.  Why is that even a problem for me?  I don't have a terminally sick child.  Kris has work.  We live in an awesome home with supportive family close by.  Why all this negativity, Carlene?  (What is it about some days bringing this stuff to the surface?  Sheesh.) 

Oh, how hard I find it to change a personality.  Can I?  Should I?  Does God?  Am I this way cuz of negative/sin/warped choices, or it's just me: worthwhile, beautiful, lovely Carlene?  How do I hold onto the Good?  How do I surrender and be still?

And, how on earth am I to see clearly what my priorities even are when I make all these choices?

Tyranny of the Urgent = Lame

When it is time to work and when do I need to play?  When do I teach and when do I release?  When do I plan and when do I let free-time happen?  When do I make things happen months in advance and when do I accept the spur-of-the-moment?  When do I make a list of friends to call and when do I wait for my Introverted self to be ready to interact with others?  If I accept any one of these, at any given moment, I am saying no to the others.  Why do I need to be told this...this....Life thing?  Why am I so afraid to live out a method for a while and then adjust as needed?  I am still so driven by others' expectations....  Why?

No clue.  Such is life - choices.  I mean, we all have to make them every day, right?

For me,
Surrendering control is hard. 
Surrendering comfort is harder. 
Surrendering understanding is the hardest. 

I want to know I did it well.  Now. 

Truly, I am mostly ok with things not being perfect, but I want things to at least be completed.  Sometime before I'm 50.  And, seriously, I think I have way too many goals in my life, cuz I'm lucky to work on a single step of a single goal on a given week.  Maintaining Life is a lot of work with little ones and I have some high standards as my ideal.  And, oh I just relate with Mommy Guilt riding me no matter what I choose in a day.

I'm afraid I'm missing this precious season.  These pre-school years with these precious little humans entrusted to my care.  This freedom to not have the confines of a system's standards (except, I thrive in such an area).  Would a small town be easier to live in?  I feel so aligned with the values of a small town, yet perhaps I'm just not accepting Reality, and that will follow me no matter where we plant??  And, how about all of the essential eternal values I need to be focusing on for myself, my family, and those around me?  I mean, come on, am I just way too caught up in the American Dream?  Grrr to you, Uncertainty. 

::overwhelmed::




And, I am purposefully choosing to write, and end, this blog without resolution or on a positive note.  I'm trying to remember what it is to be in process.  There is freedom there, and I am hungry for it once again.  Hence: I am practicing being ok with not being ok.  ;)

Worry: Don't Do It.

I struggle with Worry a lot.  Mostly because I struggle with Control a lot.  I like to Control everything and then Worry about whether I can Control everything (which, of course, I can't).  Not a good, God-honoring way to live.

[duh.]

Consequently, I have spent a lot of time reading Jesus' words about not worrying (Matthew 6 and Luke 12).  However, the other day, these words hit me in a new way.  I had always read the words

"So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat?  What will we drink?  What will we wear?'  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.  So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today."

as speaking to those really poor people who don't have an assurance of their next meal, or confidence of warm clothes come winter.  Like, only those people without, would worry about food and clothes.

Well.

God showed me that EVERY single one of us falls into worry about food and clothes (i.e. everyday life!).  We can be consumed with wearing the right clothes.  We can focus all our time on eating the right foods.  We can obsess over restaurants, fashion, and all manner of material comparisons to prove we're all right.  In other words: the very wealthy, the semi-wealthy, the middle, the poor - ALL can put too much emphasis upon what we eat and wear and do with our daily lives.

This has really opened up a whole new way to read these passages.  Perhaps all of ya'll have always read it this way.  Not sure.  But, I know that in my own life, and in the conversations I have with those around me, I now see a whole new way in which we concern ourselves with the very things Jesus says not to.

"Can I eat/wear/buy ______ without being made fun of?"
"I just HAVE to have ______!"
"And then [food conversation], and then [stuff conversation], and then [food conversation], and then...."
"If my house/body doesn't look like _____ life is over."

Perhaps you don't speak or think as dramatically, but I challenge you to take a look at the amount of time and energy you do spend thinking about things like food and clothes.  Is it just for normal/quiet living, or do you live for the next outfit?  the next meal?  the next toy?  Do you get anxious when they are lacking?  Does your worth and confidence and joy waver when ordinary life doesn't provide to the level of your neighbor?

I'm sure thinking a lot more about this now, that's for sure....  I hope you join me :) 



What are YOU consumed by?

Take me, Lord...

Take me to our secret place, Lord; I need You!!

Life in the Actual

I think one of the biggest struggles I've had since graduating college is that I no longer have the luxury of living with all the Potentials of Life before me. 

I LOVE potential.  I love preparing an amazing meal, studying for an exam, working towards any goal.  But arriving has always disappointed me.  Before I graduated college, there was always another task ahead, that I could easily place my hope in again.  Obviously, not a good way to live, but I hardly recognized this pattern until recent years.

Now I see how much I have made this my idol: perfection.  And it has never delivered.  This world can't!  (how do I keep my focus on Christ - the only True Perfection - while owning my life/choices?)  Yet I put all my hope in this ideal, hoping that this time, maybe it will meet all my unrealistic expectations, and it never does.  I know that I need to hold on to the ideal, while accepting the imperfections seen in others, myself, and this world, but facing this with character, reality, and grace has been much harder in this season of life than in any of the previous ones.

I suppose no longer having work/school/music/sports to outlet my bad habit, has made this more clear. Like, I have transfered it to my personal life: friends, kids, maturity, a clean house....And it has driven me nuts.  I am exhausted constantly from trying to reach goals that aren't even close to achievable (how can you arrive at anything in relationship? It's all process and growth and health - not checking off a list!).  But: yea for Christ helping me to see clearly!

I think I could fool myself before with good grades, trophies, wins, and being liked by everyone.... but now.... there really is no more pretending.  I am living in the 'Actual Real Life.'  There is no more "well, once this finishes, then I'll be satisfied...and if not, I'll just do something else even bigger next time" pretending.

I am sick of deluding myself.  I want to walk in Freedom.  Truth.  Peace.  Grace!  Yet, while I do this for a day, week, or month, eventually I kick in with "Life can't be this simple; hurry and get back on track!" and I pick up all the pieces again.  Which, ironically enough, leads me to all sorts of guilt and shame for having dropped them in the first place. Ah, what a ridiculous cycle.

What happened to "I don't play that game"? 

I am working on resting.  Ha.  But really.  I need calm moments which don't exist.  I want to do things because I want to, not because I feel the obligation of perfection and performance.  Can I live this way?  Can I work and pursue excellence without carrying the idol of 'performance will satisfy'?  Can I walk with Christ in a way that brings honor to Him, while resting in His complete and utter Love for me?

I want to find Peace in the here and now: not wish for how I met it 10 years ago.  Come, Jesus, and bring me out of this performance addiction!



Ah, for still moments with my Savior. :)


(ok, but, p.s. how do I still live with excellence?  How do I still pursue goals?  How do I not let my motivation be perfection?  How do I accept my personality as one who enjoys tasks and work and achieving tangible goals?  Why work so hard for something?  Why sacrifice?  How do I live and love well with this motive stripped? ?????)