Unexplainable.

Found this poem of mine from April 2015, and it's still a good reflection to me of my frequent "perfectionism/depression/lack of health/constant striving" struggles. 

Most things take a long time to work out, right?  Add to that Life's changes, sin's struggles, chaotic seasons, and normal rhythms, and sometimes it's all we can do

to hang on... 

to take the next step...

to breathe...

Yes, there is always a Beautiful gift to find around us, but in the times when it. just. can't. be. seen. I take comfort in the Realities that God is Good, Gracious, Glorious, and Great.  Always. 

Because I am not in control,

I am free to be a mess, 

I am free to be limited,

I am free to doubt,

I am free to struggle,

I am free to rest.

Psalm 103:13, 14, 17 "The LORD is like a Father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him.  For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust...But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear Him." 

Unexplainable

How do you describe, in a place so fair,

   The depth of darkness found in Depression's lair?

"I'm tired too," "I've been sad," "Just press through."

   But it feels so...out of reach, what worked for you!

Right now, the sun shines, a cool breeze stirs, and my thoughts flow clear.

   But in 30 minutes?  Tomorrow?  The slow and sudden drop could be near.

Slow, for every thought follows its own...

   Sudden, for I turn around, and am all alone.

"No one sees.  No one knows.  No one understands."

   Self-pity's lies smother out the feel of land.

I can drown in the Maybe's, the Should's, and the Might's,

   And no amount of "Jesus" will set my heart right.

---

How to describe, to one who's never been,

   The depth of helplessness in Depression's den?

"It's just hormones," "A tough season," "Poor diet," they say.

    But my thoughts cycle CHAOS, sucking all energy away.

What a gift: motivation, clear thoughts, emotional strength!

   I use what I have, where I'm at, for whatever the length.

Sometimes it's short - only a few minutes a week.

   Other times long - whole days on the "Normal Peak."

"Just try harder.  Do more.  It's your fault you're so weak!"

   Perfectionism's perversion of Truth makes me unable to speak.

I strive, & I listen, & I learn, all I can!

   But it is never enough to keep away this sinking sand.

 ---

How to describe, to my own forgetful heart,

   How deep is the pain?  How deep is the dark?

"It wasn't that bad," "There was no Good at all," "Your strength got ya through."

   But each of those twists what was actually True.

Truth is, Jesus was Present, holding my hand, letting me rage and cry.

   But the utter exhaustion, the bond-deep despair, the never-answered "Why?!"...

Those were my Reality - no sleep, sick body, uncertain times.

   Those were my Perspective - self-focused, immature, a constant whine.

"Little One, I love you.  I AM here.  You are free to share your heart."

   The whispers of Jesus still carry me through the dark.

I lean in, I surrender, I hold out my hand.

   I say, "Thank You for right NOW," for He is the great I AM.

My 'Good Enough' Garden

As a recovering perfectionist, it is incredibly difficult for me to enter into any activity, if I am not completely certain I can excel in it.

It's ridiculous, I know.
Completely unrealistic.
Not sustainable.

Yet, my very-real struggle.

One of the ways that I have combated this, is to intentionally choose to be responsible for something that I can only be "good enough" at, for this season.  For instance:

I really enjoy plants, green trees, grass, gardens, flowers, and soil.  I do not have the time, or the energy, to do this as well as I could.

In fact, I have many friends who can teach me the finer points of gardening, composting, balancing the pH in the soil, which plants to plant in our crappy clay-soil, how to have a garden thrive here in the desert, and how much sun a particular plant needs.  I could go to seminars at the library, check out free books, talk to local farmers, and YouTube 642,000 videos.

However, in this season of motherhood, I find myself with very little time to do gardening as well as I [theoretically] could.  Could I manage my time better?  Probably.  Could I swap responsibilities to free up time?  Maybe.  Could I just "Be Stronger" and make it happen?  Lol, nope.

My Good Enough Garden.

Before kiddos (and even after), I only knew the way of the perfectionist.  If I knew I could be awesome at it - sure, I would work hard at whatever it was, but I really could juggle a bazillion plates, and have people oooh and ahhhh over the performance - I would do it.  Let's talk about people-pleasing! ugh.

In this current season, I'm juggling even MORE plates, but now it's under the title of "homemaker" and people get sooo awkward about it.  It's like, we don't know how to validate that choice, without sounding pejorative or chauvinistic, so we just kinda... 'awkward-turtle' it.  Ya know, "oh, that's nice....so what do you do all day?"  Let's talk about the ridiculous mommy-wars over this topic.  sigh.

Which, honestly, led me to a LOT of activities and jobs, that, just maybe, I shouldn't have committed to, because I simply did not have the energy and health for them.  But, my goodness, I just needed something to say besides, "I'm dealing with more poop than you can believe, and all the while bone-deep exhausted, plus sick, and trying to 'enjoy this short season' while not killing everybody by dinnertime."

But, alas, my need for Identity from performance-driven activities, only led to even more exhaustion and frustration.  Praise Jesus, for lots of changes, and surrendering, and praying, and setting limits has finally led to a MUCH more sustainable way of doing life (huzzah!), yet it is STILL so tough for me to set a limit when a person doesn't understand.  Let's talk about how tough it is for me to be misunderstood!  hello, self.

Now, what's all this have to do with a "Good Enough" garden, you ask?  Simply this:

I can plant plants that will be green, have flowers, and maybe even produce an edible veggie or two, without trying to make it about performing.  I'm not entering a contest, being featured on a magazine, teaching this subject, or needing this for my family's sustenance.

I am free to not only do what I can do - have it be Good Enough - but to actually ENJOY it in it's "lesser" state!  I am choosing to spend my energy in other places, and perhaps there will come a time when I can focus more on thriving in my gardening skills, but, for now, I am excited to have something green to look at, to have my boys enjoy watching things grow, and accepting that I am doing something that brings rest to my heart.

And, seriously, guys, it counts for my heart, brings rest, allows me to hear the Lord better, and is a place of praise!  I'm so glad I did not miss out on this blessing by listening to fear/failure, and in seeking the approval of others by outward appearances.  It's been such a beautiful gift to rest more and more in Jesus, and to give room for the messy, unfinished, in-process Reality of Life. 

With you on the Journey,
Carlene

A watermelon is actually growing!!!!

Weeds.

It was Tuesday morning, 9am, a gorgeous 95 degrees, with clouds in the sky, and even a breeze to boot. 

Very un-Phoenix for August, I must say. 

HECK.  YES.

So, this is a pic form last summer, but this was how the sky looked on Tuesday too.

I didn't realize a dust storm was blowing in, but, naturally, I decide to catch up on yard work, with my new-found kid-free time (i.e. school is now in session) and new-found beautiful weather.

As I am pulling weeds (how DO they grow so fast?!), edging, mowing, watering, throwing out broken toys, and all-in-all getting wonderfully sweaty, I begin contemplating how nice it would be to live in a world without weeds.

Can you imagine such a place?  Lovely. :)

Then, I transitioned into thinking about how much work it really takes to keep weeds away.  Even using sprays, and consistent time, it's quite an effort, right?  So, I thought, "Maybe I'll just stop watering the weeds.  I mean, they can't live without nourishment." which, of course, would lead to my grass and garden dying too....details, details.  Alas.

Dry grass and weeds. Not ideal.

But, ya know what?  Life and Relationships are that way too:

We may spend our time pulling out the small weeds, but get weary at the tenacity of the weeds,
Or maybe we ignore the weeds and let them overtake whatever Beauty could be,
Or maybe we just stop watering the whole dang thing, and try to convince ourselves that no weeds = health, even if it is a barren land all around.

 

I'm talking pain, conflict, confusion, suffering, injustice, and a whole host of challenges that exist because we live in a world with Sin.  Who isn't weary of such struggles?

 

Yet, all my wishing for a world without weeds won't change anything.  

Weeds exist.
Only talking about them won't have them pulled up. 
Not watering them will kill the Good as well. 
Ignoring them creates really big and challenging problems. 
Yet, steady plodding can become so....tiresome, if the focus shifts purely to eradicating weeds, ya know?

So how do we stay faithful and present?  How do we stay engaged and focused?  How do we not become overwhelmed or broken or ineffective? 

We could ignore the conflict and wounds, and keep pushing forward in work, relationships, church, prayer...yet never really having the rest that could exist with such effort spent on the Good,

We could isolate, and never face our wounds, and stop seeking Truth, and disengage from all Good things, proud that we don't have conflict, or sorrow, or disappointments...yet naked and blind and poor all the same,

OR, we can lovingly engage with Truth, trusting Jesus even with this never-finished-til-I'm-in-Heaven process.

In reading A.W. Tozer's book, The Pursuit of God, he has this wonderful paragraph, saying,

"Important as it is that we recognize God working in us, I would yet warn against a too-great preoccupation with the thought.  It is a sure road to sterile passivity.  God will not hold us responsible to understand the mysteries of election, predestination and the divine sovereignty.  The best and safest way to deal with these truths is to raise our eyes to God and in deepest reverence say, "O Lord, Thou knowest."  Those things belong to the deep and mysterious Profound of God's omniscience.  Prying into them may make theologians, but it will never make saints."

I so appreciate this, for while I LOVE diving into theology, philosophy, and all sorts of possibilities, this is all worthless if it does not affect my heart...my relationships...my world!  How is all this Truth helpful to me right NOW, with who I am TODAY, with the problems and questions and pain that I am CURRENTLY walking through?

The Truth is helpful, because it is a Person: Jesus, and He IS trustworthy.

I can face the conflict,
process the wounds,
take the next step, and
enjoy Beauty,
for Jesus is faithful to complete what He starts.  

Green...Life...Beauty...can be cultivated.  Even in the desert.

I am free to be me, cultivating the world He has placed me in, following His movements, obeying and sacrificing and serving and loving and enjoying, because He is in charge.  Because He is Good.  Because He is Present!

I am thankful for the many lessons I've learned on how to pull weeds in my own heart, in relationships, and in life; but truly, my ability to find rest and purpose and joy comes down to my willingness to trust in Him. 

Here's an beautiful song that reflects this:

And I even got my yard work all done before the dust and rain blew in and transformed my yard into a place of Life.  Huzzah!


Resting in Him,
Carlene

Living Small

Once again, I am seeing how much "should" plays a huge role in my life.  Indulge me as I process...again?

Should: "used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions."

My default setting is here. 
My initial thoughts are here. 
My identity is here.

It's interesting that the dictionary talks about criticizing someone's actions, for it is my own heart and actions that are constanly under the microscope.

I should work out, volunteer, call this person, clean the baseboards, work on the budget, plan a creative project with the boys, be romantic with my husband, shower, eat well, ....  you get the picture.

Somehow I have taken normal, ordinary, beautiful parts of life, and put them in a "have to," "check off the list," "you suck if you don't do this," "failure on the other side," category of "Should."  Tis quite draining.

What's even more frustrating, for me, is that this is something I have been intentionally working through for a decade now. 

Counseling. 
Mentoring. 
Friendships. 
Marriage. 
Time with Jesus.

I am around many wise and lovely people, who have gently spoken grace to my heart. 
This is a grace issue for me. 
A striving, working, earning, performance-driven, perfectionist, so-hard-to-receive-grace, issue.

Am I being to harsh on myself?

I shouldn't be, I know. [ha]

Beauty in being goofy.  Grace.

Of course, there are many ways in which we could use a good dash of "should."  In regards to work, or money, or relationships, there will be many moments when doing the right thing, regardless of how ya feel, is the path we would do well to take.  We should take.

We don't always want to go to work, or resolve an issue, or save for a purchase, but wisdom is found in those choices, right?  Life is found on the other side.

It's not always about me, and my preferences, in any given moment.  "Should" can be very helpful to us.

Yet.

How have I taken Should to such an extreme place, as to smother my voice/gifting/preferences? 
Do I really fear failing that much? 
ALL of life is not comprised of "Should" moments, right? 
What's so wrong with making a decision out of rest, joy, contentment, and, dare I say, fun?
Is it worse to do what's needed, but continue to drown, or to make time/money/energy for where I come alive, but then risk times of being irresponsible, lazy, undependable, or selfish?
Why have my years of learning to make decisions from the center of Carlene-and Jesus, and not from 'what-is-expected,' not sunk deep enough?
Am I so impatient for perfection (ha)?
Am I trying to manage my sin, or perfect my imperfection (haha)?

Me?  Over-analyze?

Lol, ok, ok, I obviously am getting absurd in this now.  In fact, this whole thought process came up because I'm in James 3 today, and he says, "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers and sisters, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness."  He goes on to make some very challenging statements in regards to our speech, but that first verse stuck out at me.  

Could it be that it's OK if I don't become a teacher (which happens to be the same career path I desire)?  Just cuz I CAN teach, SHOULD I teach?  Am I Responsible to teach?  Am I Required?  And does this apply to anything I CAN do...or COULD do...does it mean I MUST do it (music, sports, missions, traveling, learning, etc)?

Ya know, that whole "You can do whatever you want" crap.

::Deep breath::

Isn't it funny how it matters where you start from when making a decision?  The exact same action (pursuing a MA in philosophy or religion to teach at the collegiate level), made from:

"I MUST teach because I've been told I can do it well, and in order to not waste a gift, I must use it; therefore, in order to obey Jesus and live wisely, I SHOULD walk this path, no matter how exhausting or overwhelming or expensive it is.  I must press through."

vs.

"I enjoy helping other people learn something.  I like exploring new ideas, and processing them with people who agree, and disagree, with me.  I would enjoy teaching at a community level, and it would be nice to get paid for it, but I also enjoy the ability to walk alongside the people around me, growing together.  I can Teach, and not be validated by a piece of paper.  However, it also sounds nice to have a job in an area where I get paid to learn and to teach, so perhaps getting a degree would be a good path too.  Either way, teaching takes many forms, and I am free to be where I'm at, making choices for what our family wants/needs, using what I have, with those around me.  The biggest, most efficient, most traveled path doesn't necessarily mean it's the best, or the worst, for me.  I am free to choose.  Jesus is bigger than my failings, and my successes.  I can rest in the Now, for He is Good."

Resting in a Good moment.

Yes, I can talk myself in and out of anything.  
Yes, I over-analyze life.  
Yes, it would be great to have a focus for my brain's wiring. 
Yes, it is ok to be AVERAGE/NORMAL.
Yes, there are seasons of survival, where paying the bills and getting through the day trumps all. 
Yes, I've been talking about this for years....I"m sick of hearing it too lol
Yes, it is good to live small.
Yes, it is good to succeed from living out my giftings.

Man, can I just say how thankful I am for Kris, and for my other dear friends, who call me back to Grace, reminding me that 

It's
Not
About
Me/Money/Status/Efficiency.

It's about Jesus.  

And He redeems all areas of life, and work, and relationships.  
All can be meaningful, when surrendered to Him.  
There is no sacred/secular divide.  
We don't need to compartmentalize our "spiritual" lives from our "normal" lives. 
He transforms all!  
Praise Jesus.

It's just Life!

I am so hungry to Live Small, trusting that the currency of God's Kingdom runs differently than what I see around me.  And, heck, in the times when Jesus takes the same action, but grows it up out of different motives, I can rest that He sees; He understands;  He knows; even if others don't. Even if I don't.


I suppose that it really does come down to the heart, eh?  Maybe Jesus knew what He was talking about (duh), when He continually challenged the idea that outward appearances defines the true scope of an action.  

Sometimes it is about the Big, Efficient, Work-place, Huge-impact action. 
Sometimes it is about the Small, Invisible, Only-one-is-changed path.

Who am I to say what Jesus can or can't do?  
For you.  
For me.  
I can Live Small, in this season, for He is a big God!


Seeking the deep waters with you,
Carlene


"Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today" Exodus 14:13
"Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands..."
1 Thess. 4:11 Ah.... such is my heart for this season.  Glory to God.

Living small is sometimes pretty Big.