Eleuoepia, Freedom.

Recently, I've been feeling more and more free to be me, in Christ, without fear of what others will think.  If I want to dress a certain way, spend my time at home, be with certain people, etc. that's ok.  I don't have to have friendships just because I'm supposed to, nor do I have to look/act a certain way, because it's what I assume meets other's expectations (as a wife/mom/26 year old/college grad/woman)

It's like I'm a freshman in college all over again.  Except worse, because at least then I had the desire and know-how of who I was/needed to be.  Even in my walk with the Lord, I've been trying to act a certain way with Him, instead of being me. 

Odd.  Not healthy.  Exhausting.

So, I guess I'm excited that I'm finally in a place to begin resting again.  To walk in joy.  To be who I am without apology or fear.  And, from there, to be molded.  to serve.  to love.  to live.

[hopeful]



Galations 5:13
For you have been called to FREEDOM!  And not the freedom to satisfy the desires of your sinful nature (anger, bitterness, envy, hate), but freedom to serve one another in love.

Honesty, w/o apology or fear...

While perusing other blogs, I ran across a friend's comment which struck me.   She spoke about how she will not apologize for being honest, even when it's messy and uncomfortable, for how else can the Body weep and rejoice with one another if Life always stays surfacy?   I fell in love with this way of thinking during college, and it pains me that I have let it slip away.

For that is my heart's cry: deep and meaningful existence lived out alongside of others, and yet I see how much I live with an apology on either side of my shared reality.  Which, if I'm honest, stems from a deep fear of rejection, coupled with my innate people-pleasing/never inconvenience others weakness.  I have been redeemed, I am perfect in His eyes, I am set free from the law of sin and death, yet this season has been so muddled, that Truth has often been hard to hold on to. 

Yes, these days I am rather chaotic, confused, uncertain, sad, angry, and hopeless, and I know it is not pleasant to constantly hear or be around such a melancholy heart... yet to those who know me...to those who know our Savior...I pray that I will be received with grace, so that, poured into, I may yet again pour out.  someday.  soon.

[hope.]

thankful

I am so privileged to have not only an incredible, wise, patient, and calm husband, but also to have some pretty dang beautiful and loving friends.  I am so thankful for my sisters who have encouraged, listened, and loved me so well these last couple days. 

Thank You, Abba, for such a blessed group of women to be in my life. 

grace for the moment.

Yes, I know I just posted, but after conversing with a good friend, I am reminded of many good things:

That it is a good and holy thing to pour into people...into relationships. 
That limiting those relationships to my husband and sons is not bad.  It's not wasteful.  It's not limiting God's will. 
That making time for myself to rest and be poured into by Jesus is not bad or discouraging to my family. 
That setting aside time and money to have some time each week to myself (yea for being an introvert!) is ok. 
That I don't have to go to another place to serve and love others well. 
That I can do something about my need to have some independent time. 
That I need Jesus just as deeply as the person serving in Costa Rica.
That I can take time to hear His voice and see if I am to be spending my time in another way.
That I'm not a failure.
That I'm not worthless.
That I need grace....


and have it!

[off to run errands with my boys, with a more restful heart than a few hours ago.  praise God.]