The Freedom to Create

(Or: Why We Follow Baby Companies but Not Communities)

Talk with a seasoned mother, and you'll hear a whole host of unique ways of managing her household, raising her children, keeping her marriage strong, and finding time to keep her own self healthy.  This is a process each woman must go through in life, but for a woman becoming a mother, this uniquely-lived-daily-life is especially essential.

A mother raises unique human beings, in a unique household, in a unique environment, in a unique time, in a (ok ok, you get the picture!), and this requires unique ways of thinking.  The problem arises when a first-time mother is inundated with all manner of 'could/should/must/caution's' from businesses, and arrives at parenting not only with her own experiences, her own dreams, her own ideas of what it may look like, but those of a hundred corporations. (and probably those of a hubby or family too!)

Now, most of these organizations have good advice, but the problem is that it's not given as advice; it's given as a necessity.  You MUST:
do this action
buy this product
pay attention to this fear
beware of this situation
clothe them this way
have this furniture
give this medicine
don't give this medicine
feed them this
don't feed them this
ET CETERA!!!!!! 

If you aren't careful, the unsuspecting new mother can VERY easily get caught up in 437 new things to be thinking about, buying immediately, fearing constantly, and stressing over continually.

We need community.  We need advice.  We need to be taught.  Fine.  But, be careful to take your lessons from society.  It's hard enough to filter out what the close people in your life tell you to do with your kids!

Fine advice, but it's not as simple/fun/easy as they say...Especially when we take a snapshot and turn it into her whole life.  A beautiful room, with beautifully dressed people, laughing.... ah, not 24/7 reality, yet we want to make it so!  "Bethenny Frankel on juggling a career with baby Bryn" at http://www.parenting.com/

 

My own limited experience has led me to say: find a few older mothers that you really respect, and ask questions.  Then, be intentional to listen to them, and not just to culture.  Mostly ask them how they've managed to create their own environment - whether that includes hot dogs, vaccinations, clothes from Goodwill, homemade rice cereal, time outs, diapers, sign language, or trips to the aquarium when they're 10 days old - listen to how they found the freedom to be what their family needed to be in each season.  Listen to how the small moments of joy can carry you through the next days of challenges.

It's great to ask questions and look for advice.  Just be careful only taking what is on TV, or in a magazine, or found in books.  GREAT advice in most things out there, and as most likely your circle of friends doesn't include specialists, these resources are great ways to find out answers to questions.  Just take it all with a grain of salt, recognizing that  they are not walking in your shoes, so it has to be generic-advice, and not specific-to-YOU advice.

Many people already excel at being who they are and in doing what they need.  I am not one of them.  I take the expectations handed to me and then try to exceed them x10.  I swallowed up so many 'have to's' of parenting, that it has taken me years to sort through it all.... to extract what I do not need to be, and to give myself the freedom to create my home and life as we need.....as I want!

Each season is unique.  What I needed to do 2 years (heck, 2 days!) ago is not the same as now.  Learning to walk in the grace of "this may not be what 'so and so' says I need to be doing right now, but it IS what I need to be doing right now.  So I will."

Final thought: It's the small things, mostly, that I'm talking about.  Big stuff is still there - still overwhelming - but easier to identify and filter.  The small things are what exhausts you, and it's easy to have no clue why.

For me, this is lived out as simply as unloading the groceries and taking 5 or 10 to relax with my boys from the, often, stressful time of shopping with hundreds of snowbirds, before putting it all away.  I was not raised this way.  My default is to get everything put away ASAP and then put some speed on it, girl!

BUT!  For me, in this season, it is simply beyond my ability to live like that.  I need the break. The bread will survive.

Stay Connected. Or Else.

I know every subculture does this in its own way, but when the Christian culture jumps on the bandwagon of "buy our product cuz it's Jesus-approved." well, I get riled up.  This happens in a number of ways, I know (political, materials, business, church attendance, etc) but while listening to the radio this morning, a new wave hit me.

Now I am both thankful, and frustrated, with Christian radio, but when I'm listening to a clip about how hard it is to say goodbye to dear friends and then THAT is what segues into their promo for their new crack-berry app, agh.  ("Now you never have to say goodbye!") 

What?!  Shouldn't the Christian community be encouraging stillness?  connection with Jesus?  Learning how to be in the tension of the difficult?  UN-plugging?!

Man....Especially using the analogy of saying goodbye to dear friends...that could have been a great beginning to speak about the beautiful tension a Christian (in particular) has to live in of the "already, but not yet" that is our sanctification process!  The frequent times in life when God moves us to a different season before we're "ready."  The times of dealing with the finality of death.  The reality of eternity.  The temporary reality of sin.  The beauty of trusting in an eternal God.  Taking our pain and confusion and hurt to God and to others!

I mean, holy cow, are we just going to keep pushing pushing pushing for MORE all the time?!  More connection.  More plugged in.  More information.  More entertainment.  More noise. 

Sheesh.

Here I am, adding to the noise myself. 
Ah, there's a balance, for sure. 
This is the reality of our culture today, so ok. 

But, again, to have the church just keep on pushing for more activity and more noise....that really frustrates me.  ...ah, I wish we would begin encouraging the stillness and quiet required for our spirit's to be refreshed by the Word of Life.  [and we wonder why we're always exhausted and never satisfied.] 

I know we have a lot of legit reasons to be plugged in.  But what are we doing to our youth?  our children?  our families by always keeping up-to-date on EVERY frickin' thing under the sun?  Must we know all?  Are we really required to be 'on' all the time?  Why are we promoting the noise instead of teaching how to minimize it? 

We all have a sphere of influence.  I try to use mine to bring Life.  To encourage stillness (this is not lazy!).  Will you as well?  I would challenge you this week (myself too) to be intentional to be still for a while.  To minimize the noise.  To filter what exactly you 'need to know' and what are just silly illusions of control and escape.

...I mean, why do we need to be plugged in?  To respond so quickly?  Why do we replace real-time relationships with purely online connections?...Do we know how to prioritize and respond to what God calls us to?  Ah....I'm still so old fashioned in this...  perhaps it is me who must change and get with it??  hmm...

Agh, we are forgetting!  :(  We are forgetting how to listen.  How to speak.  How to hold one another in the midst of pain.  How to ask for help.  How to receive.  For REAL.

Stop being so busy. 

I need to stop being so busy.  What messages am I buying?  Why am I ALWAYS subject to the tyranny of the urgent?  Do I have a choice or not?  If I do, why am I so unwilling to write a better story?

Be still.  Listen.


BE. 

Right NOW...

• I have two amazing adults, Alex and Jon, living with me as toddlers.
• I have the privilege of simple living, by not having to work.
• I am provided the opportunity to laugh often, although it means overlooking many  messes/tasks.
• I can choose to engage in worshiping God, fellowship with my siblings pursuing Christ, learn from a humble teacher, and be still with my Savior for a few minutes a month, instead of rushing through Church as one more thing to get done this week.
• I can accept my needs and limitations, instead of pretending they're not there.
• I can listen to the Voice, who is not me; the Writer who knows what is best; the Master storyteller who desires to change my very character (yet will love me always, regardless, in spite of, because of who I am right NOW) as He whispers directions to my heart.

I can take advantage of the opportunities to grow, learn, be fulfilled that are currently before me, or I can ignore them and wish for the past to return, or for a future illusion to materialize.  I have many of the same needs as I did 10 years ago, but they must look different now, for I am different.  My choice.  My story. 

Will I be still and SEE what is before me Now? 
Will I receive the Good gifts before me? 
Will I meet my Savior where I'm at? 
Will I accept His grace?
Will I risk in order to live a Great Story?
Will I receive the adventure that is before me, which now includes Kris, Alex, and Jon, or will I pout that it's not what I thought?

At least it's being lived out.  I am living a story.  I do have people to pull me out of my daydreams.  I may kick and whine and complain, but 'progress, no matter how slow, is always good.'  My prayer is that I will begin to enjoy this story that the Master has placed me in.

I am the Variable, God is the Constant: Planning for Flexibility

I am trying to remember that I am not God.  [duh]  For some reason, while I emphatically believe this intellectually, it has not been hitting the functional/real life level these days.  Let me explain.

• I act as though my plans MUST happen because they are, obviously, the best.
• I act as if people, circumstances, weather, and life in general had better cooporate with my goals, because, obviously, I have the best paths to accomplishing my goals.
• I get angry when change happens and my (oh so awesome!) plans fall through.
• I make many goals - spiritually, relationally, emotionally, physically - and when they are not being accomplished posthaste, I am truly shocked.  Stunned.  Lost.
• I don't take the time to consult with Jesus about my, obviously, correctly-planned-out-day, and wonder why I feel so exhausted after such a busy/urgent/movement-filled day (life with toddlers aside).

These are a sampling of how easily it is for Truth to get all mixed up with my flawed perspectives.

Today I was reminded that it is the LORD Who determines my steps.
That it is by His Spirit that I have strength to overcome sin, struggles, trials, etc.
That my weaknesses are where God is most clearly seen.
That my need to surrender to His plan is the best way for my heart to find peace, rest, and hope.

I wonder, often, how God can have such eternal patience with someone like myself, who is constantly questioning questioning questioning...  I am a very inflexible person by nature (SO see Love in the Familiar), and while I can get 'great' things accomplished on my watch, it's only if all life's variables fall into place.  This is exceedingly rare with 2 toddlers and little sleep....

Learning to receive grace, to be in need, to ask for help, to adjust my plans, to not make plans, to listen to the Lord's whispers, to respond to my needs, to help another out....  Ah, this is the journey of today.  So, as I fight the thoughts Shame shouts at me ("if only you were more disciplined, you could have the house running, your needs met, and others could be blessed instead of inconvenienced!") and take these precious kid-free hours to think, rest, enjoy tea, and blog, please pray that my heart will surrender anew to the God Who Sees, El Roi.

God Sees.

Pray that I will trust HIM to provide what is needed, when it is needed.  Pray that I will cease striving.  Pray that I will receive grace.  For:

I am broken and weary....
guilty at not having so many 'basic' things caught up...
worried at upcoming/current changes to the boys' sleep patterns (Jon transitioning out of his crib; late nights with Youth Group)....
frustrated at my weakness/need for sleep and alone time....
exhausted by how busy I'm becoming (and these are supposed to be the CALM years?!)...
excited about new friends, but fearful at my limited strength ruining the fragile beginnings.....
sigh....

Pray that I will keep my eyes on Jesus and be still with Him.