Living Small

Once again, I am seeing how much "should" plays a huge role in my life.  Indulge me as I process...again?

Should: "used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions."

My default setting is here. 
My initial thoughts are here. 
My identity is here.

It's interesting that the dictionary talks about criticizing someone's actions, for it is my own heart and actions that are constanly under the microscope.

I should work out, volunteer, call this person, clean the baseboards, work on the budget, plan a creative project with the boys, be romantic with my husband, shower, eat well, ....  you get the picture.

Somehow I have taken normal, ordinary, beautiful parts of life, and put them in a "have to," "check off the list," "you suck if you don't do this," "failure on the other side," category of "Should."  Tis quite draining.

What's even more frustrating, for me, is that this is something I have been intentionally working through for a decade now. 

Counseling. 
Mentoring. 
Friendships. 
Marriage. 
Time with Jesus.

I am around many wise and lovely people, who have gently spoken grace to my heart. 
This is a grace issue for me. 
A striving, working, earning, performance-driven, perfectionist, so-hard-to-receive-grace, issue.

Am I being to harsh on myself?

I shouldn't be, I know. [ha]

Beauty in being goofy.  Grace.

Of course, there are many ways in which we could use a good dash of "should."  In regards to work, or money, or relationships, there will be many moments when doing the right thing, regardless of how ya feel, is the path we would do well to take.  We should take.

We don't always want to go to work, or resolve an issue, or save for a purchase, but wisdom is found in those choices, right?  Life is found on the other side.

It's not always about me, and my preferences, in any given moment.  "Should" can be very helpful to us.

Yet.

How have I taken Should to such an extreme place, as to smother my voice/gifting/preferences? 
Do I really fear failing that much? 
ALL of life is not comprised of "Should" moments, right? 
What's so wrong with making a decision out of rest, joy, contentment, and, dare I say, fun?
Is it worse to do what's needed, but continue to drown, or to make time/money/energy for where I come alive, but then risk times of being irresponsible, lazy, undependable, or selfish?
Why have my years of learning to make decisions from the center of Carlene-and Jesus, and not from 'what-is-expected,' not sunk deep enough?
Am I so impatient for perfection (ha)?
Am I trying to manage my sin, or perfect my imperfection (haha)?

Me?  Over-analyze?

Lol, ok, ok, I obviously am getting absurd in this now.  In fact, this whole thought process came up because I'm in James 3 today, and he says, "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers and sisters, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness."  He goes on to make some very challenging statements in regards to our speech, but that first verse stuck out at me.  

Could it be that it's OK if I don't become a teacher (which happens to be the same career path I desire)?  Just cuz I CAN teach, SHOULD I teach?  Am I Responsible to teach?  Am I Required?  And does this apply to anything I CAN do...or COULD do...does it mean I MUST do it (music, sports, missions, traveling, learning, etc)?

Ya know, that whole "You can do whatever you want" crap.

::Deep breath::

Isn't it funny how it matters where you start from when making a decision?  The exact same action (pursuing a MA in philosophy or religion to teach at the collegiate level), made from:

"I MUST teach because I've been told I can do it well, and in order to not waste a gift, I must use it; therefore, in order to obey Jesus and live wisely, I SHOULD walk this path, no matter how exhausting or overwhelming or expensive it is.  I must press through."

vs.

"I enjoy helping other people learn something.  I like exploring new ideas, and processing them with people who agree, and disagree, with me.  I would enjoy teaching at a community level, and it would be nice to get paid for it, but I also enjoy the ability to walk alongside the people around me, growing together.  I can Teach, and not be validated by a piece of paper.  However, it also sounds nice to have a job in an area where I get paid to learn and to teach, so perhaps getting a degree would be a good path too.  Either way, teaching takes many forms, and I am free to be where I'm at, making choices for what our family wants/needs, using what I have, with those around me.  The biggest, most efficient, most traveled path doesn't necessarily mean it's the best, or the worst, for me.  I am free to choose.  Jesus is bigger than my failings, and my successes.  I can rest in the Now, for He is Good."

Resting in a Good moment.

Yes, I can talk myself in and out of anything.  
Yes, I over-analyze life.  
Yes, it would be great to have a focus for my brain's wiring. 
Yes, it is ok to be AVERAGE/NORMAL.
Yes, there are seasons of survival, where paying the bills and getting through the day trumps all. 
Yes, I've been talking about this for years....I"m sick of hearing it too lol
Yes, it is good to live small.
Yes, it is good to succeed from living out my giftings.

Man, can I just say how thankful I am for Kris, and for my other dear friends, who call me back to Grace, reminding me that 

It's
Not
About
Me/Money/Status/Efficiency.

It's about Jesus.  

And He redeems all areas of life, and work, and relationships.  
All can be meaningful, when surrendered to Him.  
There is no sacred/secular divide.  
We don't need to compartmentalize our "spiritual" lives from our "normal" lives. 
He transforms all!  
Praise Jesus.

It's just Life!

I am so hungry to Live Small, trusting that the currency of God's Kingdom runs differently than what I see around me.  And, heck, in the times when Jesus takes the same action, but grows it up out of different motives, I can rest that He sees; He understands;  He knows; even if others don't. Even if I don't.


I suppose that it really does come down to the heart, eh?  Maybe Jesus knew what He was talking about (duh), when He continually challenged the idea that outward appearances defines the true scope of an action.  

Sometimes it is about the Big, Efficient, Work-place, Huge-impact action. 
Sometimes it is about the Small, Invisible, Only-one-is-changed path.

Who am I to say what Jesus can or can't do?  
For you.  
For me.  
I can Live Small, in this season, for He is a big God!


Seeking the deep waters with you,
Carlene


"Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today" Exodus 14:13
"Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands..."
1 Thess. 4:11 Ah.... such is my heart for this season.  Glory to God.

Living small is sometimes pretty Big.

The Gift of: Interruption

It sounds odd to say, but I am seeing how the gift of interruptions are really one of the fastest ways to be confronted with Reality - in myself, in others, and in my surroundings. 

Why is that a good thing, though?  Why do I even want facetime with Reality?

Well, the Real things in life (the non-instant, non-poof, non-immediate) seem to be rather elusive to us these days.  We are constantly searching, and pouring effort, and so depressed, and always anxious, and unsatisfied with EVERYTHING.  It seems that we are more and more shocked at how relationships, work, family, jobs, fun, pain, heck - even the weather, all actually work.  We are becoming more self-centered, and more concerned with instant-gratification, than with actual Process.

And, since Process is the point (can't get away from this, people), I think it's very important to get facetime with Reality, for Reality shows us just how much Process is around, and in, us.

We MUST give room for Process....
for the incomplete...
for the already-but-not-yet...
for the moment....
for the unfinished....
for the never arriving....
for the surrender of control: I am not God.

In short, when we disengage from Reality, and from Process, we are not growing up, but staying as children.

Now, while there are MANY beautiful qualities about a child, the immaturity's (that the family is hopefully, patiently, lovingly helping her to outgrow) are not some of the benefits of childhood. 

• It is not helpful to remain in a state where you cannot see how much work/time/effort/love goes in to providing a house, food, clothes, friends, or hugs.
• It is not helpful to stay in a place where you assume everything everyone does is personally aimed at you.
• It is not helpful to continue to believe that it is everyone else's job to fix your problems, meet your needs, or give you a gold star for showing up.
• It is not helpful to believe that entertainment/fun/rest/relationships exist separate from work (they still exist, but not in the form a child receives).

Now, are there seasons when it is completely appropriate to live in those stages?  Of course!  It's called "childhood."  But, when adults (18+) are still so strongly in these stages, it takes harsher and harsher doses of Reality to awaken, strengthen, mature, and pull one out of such belief's.

Because we are all made to function in Reality, this journey our cultures seems to be taking into a "fantasy-poof-instant" world, is really killing us slowly, for it is slowly turning us away from the Real.

Y'all, a 3D movie of water may be beautiful, shiny, fun, and lasting, but it will never satisfy thirst.  

And we are a very thirsty culture.

Which is why, to circle all the way back around, Interruptions are a gift. 
They are not fun. 
They often create tension and stress. 
They show us how far we have to grow. 
But, they are a gift.

(Which, to be real, I have been interrupted by the boys with various needs/questions/curiosities MULTIPLE times in the last hour.  I was super impatient at the last one, when the irony of 'this blog-my Real life' hit me.  I, obviously, have much to learn as well.  Preaching to the choir, peeps!)

So, the next time our needs/plans/work are thwarted by a child, friend, boss, co-worker, weather, work, neighbor, health, or crisis....Pause.....Take a deep breath.....And let's ask Jesus to open our eyes more fully to the Real.  The Good.  The True. The Beautiful.  The Process.

For, when these are the cries of our heart, we will always be led one way: to the Person in whom all these exist: Jesus.

Jesus is the Ultimate Reality, the Truth, our Living Water, and the Eternal One who will continue to walk with us in the Process He began in our lives. He is faithful to finish what He starts!

Can I get a "huzzah!"?

Growing in Grace

Driving down Grand avenue the other week, I glanced in my rear-view mirror to see the man behind me looking very grumpy, exhausted, and stressed.  His head was slumped against his arm, and he looked like he was just aching to be anywhere except stuck in this traffic waiting-for-the-wreck-to-clear-so-we-can-go line.

He eventually got around me, and I noticed a couple Jesus-stickers and a church sticker on the back of his car.  As I said a quick prayer for him as he drove away, my thoughts turned to who this person really was, and what might be going on in his day to have him so tired and stressed (surprised?  I was, after all, stuck in traffic, so what else do I love to do? lol).

Would a person who doesn't know Jesus have judged him for having an off day, because his car professes his faith?
Does the secular world expect Christians to always be happy and put together?
Why is there such judgment when a Christian shows his humanity?
Why is there such ridicule when a Christian lets her struggles show?

I suppose that those not in the faith have a misguided idea of what it means to be a Christian.  Perhaps think that a Christian = a perfect person, with a happy-pappy life, who has all the answers, who is intolerant and arrogant in their living, for "They've found the key to making life always awesome" or something like that...Maybe that's why there's such mockery towards Christians who fall, or who show they are human, with the same limits as everyone else....

I'm glad I serve a God who is not limited by my limits.

Then, my thoughts turned towards Christians' reactions to those who show their struggles, and I started thinking about all the pressure that we put on ourselves to fill that "put-together-always" persona (at least here in Western culture). 

Here's the dance though: I know there is Truth, Freedom, Victory, Beauty, Rest, Grace, and just plain Glory to be found in Christ!!  I have experienced it, I have studied it, I have a great community that lives this out, and I know this all to be true.

However, I also know the times of exhaustion, frustration, despair, hopelessness, isolation, struggle, sin, anger, rage, worry, and all things Self are true too.  I have experienced it, I have studied it, and I have a community that lives this out.

To only focus on either one is false, misleading, unhelpful, and just plain unhealthy.

But, what to do?  How to correct the false thinking?

Then, while reading Ann Voskamp's blog, a light bulb popped for me.

::ding::
::ta-da:
::click::
[what does a light bulb say anyways???]

She said,
"Why in the world did I keep telling the boys to be more Christ-like as if He was a ladder to ascend, to progressively strive to be more sanctified — when being Christ-like is about being grace-filled, not about ladders but about laying down and reaching wide?"

That's the deal, peeps.
That's my issue. 
That's my wrong thinking.
This is the lie we have bought in to.
That's why we Western Christians struggle so much with this.

We are treating Christ as a ladder to ascend, instead of a Person to respond to in submission, joy, and thankfulness.

Once again: Relationship.

Oh, how we strive to keep fear, worry, failure, pain, mistakes, variables, mess, and just plain struggles covered up!  Yet this is why Christ has come (Christmas, peeps - it's not just about some red-suited jolly man, full of stressed-out-over-committed days, and a shop-til-ya-drop month)!  He made Himself low, that we may be brought up into His presence to receive Grace.

Grace.

God's unmerited favor.

For me.  For you.  For every normal, empty, struggling, human.  We too can be grace-filled and redeemed!  Oh, what Jesus has done for us!  This message - that we are all equal at the foot of the cross, and that once we surrender to Jesus, we are made new - does not mean we cease being human.  No, it means we are truly free to BE human!  This is not a check-list, or a crash diet, but an entirely new way of living.  Long-term.  Permanent.  A new direction.

That IN my mess, He is there.
That IN SPITE OF of my sin, He still draws close.
That in my EXHAUSTION and STRUGGLE, He comforts and protects me, and makes up my lack.
That in my SUFFERING, He helps me to still worship Him, to give thanks, and to have perspective.

The struggles in life do not go away.  No....They are just able to be interacted with in an entirely new way, for we have an entirely new King. 

Oh sweet Joy!

So, my friend, when you see Christians struggle, don't think that they are failing at some magic-fix-all, but know that it is BECAUSE of their very-real struggle (just like you) that they know they must cling to Jesus, giving thanks for His great love, and are always able to rest in His wonderful grace.

Jesus isn't some ladder to succeed at, by *poofing* life into this struggle-free bubble, but rather, He is the very Rest for our souls we all crave. 

I mean, who wants another thing to do?  Another goal to achieve?  Glory to Jesus for achieving all that needs to be done! 

My life is lived in thanks to Him.

Finally, to those of my friends that are also my brothers and sisters in the Lord, let's try to take this month down a notch, eh? 

Let's remember the Person of Jesus,
the Person near us in our homes,
and the Person who is not yet our friend. 

Let's be real about our struggles, real about His grace, and real about community.  Freedom, Rest, Hope, Joy, Peace.... they are the reason for the season, and they are found in Jesus alone.

All glory to Him!

Can't Lose If You Don't Play

I wonder how much energy is spent trying to win at Games we don't even intend to play?

How often do we stop to think about the how's and why's of our actions and motivations? Whether the relational or practical aspects of life (parenting, marriage, singleness, work, hobbies, rest, spirituality, etc), we all play The Games.

da-da-daaaaaaaa ::ominous music::

The Games.

OK, ok, what do I mean?

I mean something deeper than just expectations of a job well done, or working on healthy relationships - I'm talking about that SHOULD/MUST/OUGHT that keeps us from peace and rest.  This is the realm of Identity, Self-worth, Truth, Jealousy, Insecurity, Trust, and Hope.  Deep layers, people, and full of blind spots. 

Why is it so hard to say to others (and to ourselves):

• I have limits, you have limits
• We can't all be awesome at everything
• I don't expect me or you to be perfect

Look, when fashion or photography or landscaping or teaching or writing or blogging or Instagram or WHATEVER is your profession (or hobby), then it makes sense that the nuances of that field are a part of your vocabulary, motives, actions, spending, and desires, right?  But, we all walk different paths, and have different abilities, so why try to mold us all into one lump (I'm not talking Relativism here, guys, just the Uniqueness of the Individual)?

I mean, what happens when (especially in our global culture) we have access to the nuances of thousands of fields/ways of living?  We are taught that we can be excellent at ALL of them, "tolerate" all of them, understand all of them, etc. if we will but apply ourselves, believe, and work hard (enter: a Game).

Or, we buy into the lie that we deserve to be awesome at all of it, so we run Run RUN, always striving, so as to not be seen as foolish (at the Game).

Or, we just agree with the comments of "less-than-perfect"/'failure" that we receive, and keep moving (in all the Games we juggle).

But, of course, we have the same 24 hour limit as everyone else, and we do end up making choices about what to do, and what to leave undone.  ::shocker::

But, that's just normal life, right?

Right?

Yeah, not so much anymore.

There seems to be a growing ridicule at the people who aren't up to speed on every element of our culture.  Regardless of whether or not this shows up out of insecurities or stress, it's still a very loud voice in many of our ears.

[Philosophy sidetrack: we're not giving room for the Infinite within the Other.  We're Totalizing the Other, as well as our own selves! ~Levinas]

I especially see this in teen culture (yea for Herd mentality), but it's all around the generations these days (yea for a highly marketed culture....although, just turning the TV off will have more of an impact than you know...just a tangential thought...freebie!).


But, here is my point:
*finally, Carlene!*

That ridicule we have all received at one time or another for being less than perfect at _______ doesn't have to create a negative response that pushes us even farther into The [endless] Games around us.

Why?

I'm glad you asked.  I'll tell you.  Because:

• I'm choosing which Games to play.  
• Which plays to study.  
• Which Games to bench myself and not to even engage.

There's no way I can totally remove myself from The Games, as we are in a specific culture, year, and location, with specific skills, abilities, resources, and limits, but I CAN choose what to play, and what to ignore.

Try it: "I don't play that Game, so my fashion/TV show knowledge/pull-ups/degrees aren't at your level.  But, I am playing the Game of Christian/Wife/Mommy/Friend/House Manager/Healthy Woman, and here's how I do well at those Games..."

And, let's not rain on each others' parades, eh?  If I'm choosing to throw a freaking awesome birthday party for my five year old, and I love doing parties, and I have saved up $1,000 for it, then why get judged?  If, however, I want to throw down a freaking awesome $5 Little Ceaser's pizza, and play board games, then why get judged?

Rhythms, people.  Rhythms.  We all have them.  And, guess what?  They're unique.  ::gasp::

For me, I am intentionally talking  positively to myself when I get stressed at how I'm not succeeding (mostly as a professional) at piano, volleyball, education, kickboxing, masters degrees, extra-clean everything, perfectly organized everything, decorating, clothing, parenting, marriage, friendships, etc (good thing I'm not some crazy over-analyzer, eh?). I take a good look at what I AM doing well (as well as what I could improve upon), what voices to listen to (Hubby, yes), and what voices to tune out (Commercials, no).

Basically, when I begin to see how well others are doing in areas that I think I should do well in, I walk it out:

• Do I have the desire? time? energy? talent? to pursue _____?
• If not (at least in this current season - even if in past seasons it was realistic), are there ways I can still incorporate _____ into my day, in a way that is refreshing to myself, if I want to?
• Enjoy playing the piano occasionally, when I want to...
• Goof around with the volleyball at the park with the boys...
• Enjoy a good walk, even if I'm not burning 1,000 calories...
• Read a challenging book and at some point in the year (lol not joking), have a convo about it...
• Organize and Clean, knowing it will all be undone in 5 minutes...
• When The Games start speaking loudly (in conversations, or just in my head) that I'm not doing as well as I could be doing, I gently remind them/myself that I am intentionally choosing to do well in other things right now....Because, say it with me, "I Have Limits and So Do You."

So, this week, enjoy the idea that just because you CAN do/know something, doesn't mean you HAVE to make it happen.  Make a choice to live well in the areas you can, and let the rest go.

After all, you can't lose if you don't play.

I don't play that game.

Thoughts for this week:

• Do I know my limits?
• For me, which Games are non-negotiable, which ones are optional, and which ones do I need to avoid?
• What are the specific Games I'm playing that I need to bench myself on this week?  
• Which Games do I want to keep doing well in, and how will that look for me? 
• What are areas that would be good to re-focus on, and what should I begin ignoring?
• What are my goals - relationally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically?  Are they SUSTAINABLE for me?