burn out

I am so done. 

[I actually have a lot of cool thoughts to write about (no worries, i've been taking notes!), but i have ZERO energy to do anything beyond write a couple sentences and crawl into bed.  also, we've been having bad computer problems all day, so my desire to sit any longer on this lame machine is about zilch.  but at least we didn't lose our hard drive!!!!]

anyways.

I've had very little free time (even at night) the last couple weeks, and it's taken it's toll.  I am worn out.  utterly spent.  tired of moving.  getting angry at life "norms" because i'm not getting filled. so sick of sickness in this household.  and angry that i can't get a little perspective to recognize it's just some cold/flu stuff and will be gone soon enough.

(Come on, Carlene, people have major sickness all the time and learn to deal, how come you can't handle some normal sick time from yourself/family?

no clue.)

All I know is I'm empty.  I'm angry.  I"m tired.  I'm negative.  not a good combination.

Own your Life, part 2

[warning: rant to come]

I was listening to Christian radio the other day, and during one of their "non-commercial commercials" they were promoting a free Bible study guide on their website.  Now, I'm all about getting the Word out to people, and I think it's awesome that we have access to such opportunities as this...

BUT

I think we are beginning to cross the line of what are helpful/team-building/relational programs, and what only serve to offer yet another crutch for an immature culture.

Think about it: if I don't have the perfectly tailored exercise program, I'm off the hook for being over weight ("so buy our gym membership cuz we'll get you in shape!").  If I don't get the easiest access to scholarships, then I'm off the hook for being in debt ("so come to our school, where we'll get you the most for your money!").  If I wasn't told to not drink while being pregannt, well it's not my fault my baby has fetal alcohol syndrome ("so read 10,000 pamplets everytime you're in the doc's office, so you won't sue us!").

Come on, people.  It's not the world, church, government, school, or grocery store's job to make sure you're living a healthy, wise, financially secure, godly life!  Do we need help in life?  Yes.  But we do NOT need to wait to create a habit (or change one!) until someone comes up with some program/flyer/saying that will help you along.

Grow up.  Own your life.

False Urgency

I wonder if people were more capable of leading a simple, joyful, relational life when it wasn't filled with all of the "MUST STAY UP TO DATE on everything possible in our world" belief that we're bombarded with at every turn in our post-modern world? 

Ok, dramatics aside (who, me? dramatic?), I wish we weren't supposed to know what's going on in world news, hollywood, local problems, global disasters, and the like.  Isn't it enough to take care of our own family's?   to provide a healthy and loving environment for living in daily?  to spend our energy/concern/worry/prayers on those nearest us?  to dive into church/neighborhood/family/friends because that's where we find our sense of belonging and pride?

I wish we had more of an acceptance for those who want to choose that...and that it wouldn't be seen as ignorant or naive, but rather as owning your life and taking responsibility for the days we've been given.

Did ya notice? Did ya? DID YA?!

I think it's intriguing how much we want to align ourselves with the winners/good looking/popular.  I've recently been noticing how deep this goes:

• If a baby is cute, you want to hold him/her.
• If a team begins to win, you go to the games.
• If you look nice, you want to be seen by someone important.
• If you notice an attractive person driving, you want them to smile/approve/notice you.
• If a friend knows someone, who once talked to someone, who was neighbors with someone, who appeared on TV once 10 years ago, well, we brag about our connection to them.  (lol)

 Ok, my point being this: we look to so many PEOPLE to give us worth/name us/validate us, when the true source of that can only come from God.  Does He work through people?  Defintiely.  Does He work through the random strangers/gorgeous/famous/etc?  Perhaps.

Basically, I know I need to check myself on where I get my "oh, so I'm awesome too" feelings.  God has already given me His love, which is more than enough! 




Will I let it be?

My Fear of "Normal Life"

I think this fear began during a conversation with Brad Ellgen (8 years ago?), when he told me "you don't want to live a normal life (i.e. be a soccer mom)."  Whether or not my immature high school ears heard it how he intended, it has stuck with me. 

There is a huge part of my heart that wants to do extoridnary and fantastic and huge things in life.  Even though I have rarely desired the "normal" things of our culture (so, fine, I'm wired to be a no-go for a normal life in that way), I do still desire to be accepted/appreciated in a unique/only-Carlene way.  Also, I feel responsible for the talents and opportunities I've been given, yet somehow "turning inward," and just living my day-to-day life, seems incredibly selfish/not an option/unfulfilling.  This causes a lot of tension in me, my marriage, my friendships, etc. because I have this "this should be bigger/more" thought in the back of my mind far too often.  Lame.

So.

Why do I always look for some lesson in EVERYTHING?  Why am I afraid to simply take life as it comes?  Why can't I appreciate the daily routine, instead of feeling like a failure for not doing something fantastic and major efficient with every second?  Why am I afraid of the mundane?  What is it in my generation/culture that pushes for the extraordinary?

I always get on Kris for being too much of a thrill seeker, but perhaps I am just as addicted....only my thrills are in success, efficiency, growth/maturity, and tangible progress being made at something I can see/measure. 

I don't think it's bad to be a self-motivated person, nor is it wrong to have goals/dreams and to work towards them...My question is whether or not it's ok for me to be so desperately incapable of accepting my daily life as good enough.  

Ok, well, when I put it that way: not ok.

.....So, what to do? 

I guess I am mostly driven by fear (oh, so not ok):  Fear of missing out on some amazing option that only lasts during this specific season of life; Fear of having regret in how I parented/stressed out/didn't use my time well; Fear of choosing the wrong thing and not having a second (or fifty-third!) chance.

How do I become ok with doing things for myself (reading, working out, alone time) on a bigger level (i.e. more than just randomly), and it not become selfish/neglectful?  How do I wrestle through my desire to have more kids, when I can barely make all the plates fly now?  How do I accept my daily routine as fulfilling/satisfying/worthy/blessing/gift?  Oh, how wrong of me to mock this beautiful life I have, wishing for something more!

So.

I have not been given a spirit of fear.  How do I walk in that?  God's grace is sufficient for me.  How do I live that out?  God is sovereign and good.  How do I trust Him more fully?  God is in control.  How do I give control up?

::curious::

long time no see.....and bye again!

It's been a month since I've written.


oops.  :/



I have lots to say, but somehow the time to write it down (or just to remember it!), just keeps slipping away....And since naptime just ended for my sick toddler quicker than normal, it's gonna be a bit longer still.  Adios!



[Sadness.]