I've been very contemplative recently, rather melancholy even, of many blog-worthy things: technology and my need of it; pleasure/rest is not bad; boundaries for my family; boundaries for me; serving and loving others well; pursuing God; releasing the past; trusting for the future; being content in the moment; catching up on relationships; keeping house; letting life be messy; getting time with Kris; getting alone time; being too tired for anything fun; mourning the loss of my independence; budgeting; saving; and too many more things to list even in a run-on paragraph.
One of the biggest things I've been walking through these last weeks is that I really, truly, have been mourning the loss of my mind. I literally feel as though I cannot hold the same thoughts/patterns/questions/intelligence/ideas/responsibilities/etc. as I used to be able to do, and when I interact with my friends who are living a different life than I am (continuing education, career, no kids, missions), this in particular rears its head and I just collapse under the reality. Yes, dramatic, I know, but truly how I feel: collapsed. stripped of my worth and value. I am getting so tired of such drastic emotions all the time! I feel incredible immature and stupid in how I'm responding to people, and this makes me soooooo sad.
beyond sad. not me.
Joking about 'mom-brain' was once funny, but now I think it's real. tragic. When I try to converse with people on the level I used to enter into...I can't. I have no wisdom or opinions to offer. I've lost my marbles, as Toodles so well says. And I doubt they're returning anytime soon.
Wish I could blog about the random cool thoughts that do occasionly pop up. [but I can't remember them]
Wish I could chat about daily life and post pics on here more often. [but our computer/laptops are fried and I'm rarely online, or with access to pictures]
Wish our hard drive didn't crash and kill the last 3 years of my life in pictures/videos/doc's. [guess I need to learn to back things up properly. yeah, the backups are toast somehow too.]
Wish I lived in a more simple era, where survival was a main concern, and you weren't hounded with a constant false reality of: all-of-life-exists-to-please-you-so-you'd-better-buy-this-product-if-you're-not-happy CRAP. [why can't it be ok to live simply? not plugged in? not involved excessively in ?]
Wish I could walk in joy like I used to. [but Jesus is in the Now, Carlene, rest in Him!]
Wish I ...
eh, this isn't helping very much, is it? who wants to read a narcissistic and meloncholy blog? I sure don't..... maybe I'm self-sabatoging while still craving intimacy? Maybe i just need some good friend time? Maybe I need to stop all this whining and complaining? Maybe I need to remember how to play? Maybe I should stop comparing myself to other people - or to the past me? Maybe I need to accept that this is the culture I live in and stop fighting every aspect of it? Maybe I need to release my dreams of a dependent-on-Jesus-alone-missionary life (course, maybe my stereotype is all wrong and I am living that now?? like, I'm always dependent on Him!)? Maybe I need to see the Now that I live in as a place where I can honor God and grow closer to Him?
hmm....
Well, I am thankful for my boys. and
for my husband of almost 5 years. and
for the clouds. and
for the pictures of my life that still exist. and
for my friends who know my heart. and
for a college/God experience during my transitory years into adulthood. and
for warm weather. and
for the knowledge and desire to live a simple life.
Aaaaaaaand, Jon is up....thanks for hearing me vent. I'm sorry that's all I seem to do on here...maybe one day I can be normal again and actually share things of value/cool thoughts?
(Woah, what is up with these dang crickets?! Get out of my house, little creatures! Go find some dirt....)
Focus on Jesus in the Now, not the ME in the past, or the MAYBE in the future.
NOW is good, because Jesus IS.
[craving Life.]
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