I have always been a person who enjoys casual living. I love being able to wear clothes that I can get dirty, sweaty, work out in, and always be able to move/sit/stand as I want. Sure, there were the occasional times when I would have fun dressing up, putting makeup on, buying new clothes (ok, well, never really this one, lol), or getting my nails done. However, when I became a mom, and this rare occurrence now became HUGELY more difficult, I suddenly embraced this weird expectation that I NEEDED to be as put-together as possible, as often as possible. Talk about an opposite swing for my heart!
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| 2008 Alex is 4 months. Trying to look the part of the put-together mom, but inwardly exhausted beyond anything. I could only handle another few months of the faking it before I crashed. |
This has caused me no end of stress and guilt and shame for not being able to maintain even a small bit of this new standard.
Obviously, this problem is not all-encompassing of women who are mothers. Many mothers make time to dress up and look awesome cuz that really IS how they unwind and find a sense of normalcy/control. However, I have never been the type of person who enjoys dressing up (i.e. wearing makeup, not a tank top/jeans, doing my hair in something besides a ponytail). But I hear so much about how to improve my self-esteem, marriage, spirituality, and overall sense of maturity by taking time to improve my looks, that it's been really hard to filter out what can work for me.
Is this a relative option? Or a need for all women to mold in to? Can I be so different and still be ok?
Now, to clarify, I'm a fan of self-care. Hygiene. Being attractive to your spouse. Heck yes! I really did enjoy the times of having Kris come home to a beautifully made-up Carlene. But learning to accept that my personality is NOT one who benefits from consistently dressing up has been (for whatever reason) SUCH a challenge to me in these last 3+ years.
I mean, come on, how many women are out there who don't enjoy making themselves look beautiful? How could this be ok for me? I have a really hard time being different, let alone
opposite of most people. In fact, lots of my gal friends talk with great joy about how fun it is to wear a favorite dress, or look stunning for their man, or how they enjoy wearing business-casual to work, or how great it is to finally have an occasion to dress up, etc.
But! Motherhood has made this even more impossible for me. It's so dang impractical (especially to a person who never had this habit/desire!) to wear makeup when my face is smeared all the time by little hands. To have my hair down when I'm constantly moving up, down, turn around, pick up, put down, chase, little hands in my hair, etc. To wear nice clothes when I would get poop, pee, spit up, throw up, drool, food, drink, sweat, and all sorts of fun things all over me, all the time (yea for that minimizing a bit with infants growing up!).
So, ok. Fine. This season makes it hard on any woman to make time for those things. But am I still ok when I do it even less than most? Shouldn't Kris be able to come home to a nice-smelling, clean-house, fun clothes, calm, wife? Shouldn't I make time to dress up to help improve my need to be seen as a real person? Will people take me more seriously if my 12-year-old face has makeup on it?
Ah, I'm finally letting a lot of that go. Slowly. Seeing how comparing myself to others limits who I am in Christ. Seeing that Carlene is ok as she is. Learning how to make time for what's healthy and helpful for me. I'm still so black-white in my thinking, but I'm slowly becoming ok with my uniqueness. And actually enjoying it!
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| After Pucci and I spent the ENTIRE day making this delish pumpkin pie from scratch, we were pretty thrilled. I was free to be me. 2004 |
I have finally gotten into a rhythm that works well for me. Thank You, Lord! I make sure I'm dressed for the day before I get the kids up (which, I will say, is a HUGE accomplishment, as it used to be a big deal if I remembered to put on deodorant at all). Kris watches the boys on Sunday morning so I can at least spend some time putting a nice face on and thinking about what fun clothes to wear. When we have the occasional date night that includes an option to look nice, I enjoy being sexy for my man.
However, I've also learned to let go of the expectation (from culture? people? me?) to be someone I'm not. My mom and sister, in particular, LOVE to get dressed up. Daily. (as per my idea of 'dressed up,' that is; they would just say it's normal day stuff :) ) And, while I definitely care about good hygiene, I no longer stress that I'm less of a woman because I like wearing tank tops and jeans. After all, this is nothing new for me. Kris dated me this way. My friends were my friends with me having looked like this. My worth is not based on how well-dressed I am.
God cares about the heart. Now, this isn't an excuse to let myself go, but rather to let go of the obsession to please people by pretending to be who I'm not. And, ironically enough, having let go of this 'must look like
them' expectation, has freed me up to dress up how I like, when I like, for who I like!
I'm earthy. Organic. I like to wear homemade jewlrey and long skirts and clothes with sentimental value. This is how Carlene dresses up.
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| Winter Park 2011 |
Fashion-conscious people may laugh and think I am so off, but that's slowly becoming less important to me. It's awesome if you are able to stay with current trends and have fun doing it. I have fun by NOT walking that path. If I have a free 30 minutes to myself, I want to get a task done, nap, read, learn, call a friend, go for a walk, or cook something. I've never had fun trying out new hairstyles or makeup combinations in my free time.
Not bad if you do.
Not bad if I don't.
Look nice by being yourself.
God'll grow me in His way.
I can trust Him.
God's ok with me as I am.
And that's ok by me too.
