I am the Variable, God is the Constant: Planning for Flexibility

I am trying to remember that I am not God.  [duh]  For some reason, while I emphatically believe this intellectually, it has not been hitting the functional/real life level these days.  Let me explain.

• I act as though my plans MUST happen because they are, obviously, the best.
• I act as if people, circumstances, weather, and life in general had better cooporate with my goals, because, obviously, I have the best paths to accomplishing my goals.
• I get angry when change happens and my (oh so awesome!) plans fall through.
• I make many goals - spiritually, relationally, emotionally, physically - and when they are not being accomplished posthaste, I am truly shocked.  Stunned.  Lost.
• I don't take the time to consult with Jesus about my, obviously, correctly-planned-out-day, and wonder why I feel so exhausted after such a busy/urgent/movement-filled day (life with toddlers aside).

These are a sampling of how easily it is for Truth to get all mixed up with my flawed perspectives.

Today I was reminded that it is the LORD Who determines my steps.
That it is by His Spirit that I have strength to overcome sin, struggles, trials, etc.
That my weaknesses are where God is most clearly seen.
That my need to surrender to His plan is the best way for my heart to find peace, rest, and hope.

I wonder, often, how God can have such eternal patience with someone like myself, who is constantly questioning questioning questioning...  I am a very inflexible person by nature (SO see Love in the Familiar), and while I can get 'great' things accomplished on my watch, it's only if all life's variables fall into place.  This is exceedingly rare with 2 toddlers and little sleep....

Learning to receive grace, to be in need, to ask for help, to adjust my plans, to not make plans, to listen to the Lord's whispers, to respond to my needs, to help another out....  Ah, this is the journey of today.  So, as I fight the thoughts Shame shouts at me ("if only you were more disciplined, you could have the house running, your needs met, and others could be blessed instead of inconvenienced!") and take these precious kid-free hours to think, rest, enjoy tea, and blog, please pray that my heart will surrender anew to the God Who Sees, El Roi.

God Sees.

Pray that I will trust HIM to provide what is needed, when it is needed.  Pray that I will cease striving.  Pray that I will receive grace.  For:

I am broken and weary....
guilty at not having so many 'basic' things caught up...
worried at upcoming/current changes to the boys' sleep patterns (Jon transitioning out of his crib; late nights with Youth Group)....
frustrated at my weakness/need for sleep and alone time....
exhausted by how busy I'm becoming (and these are supposed to be the CALM years?!)...
excited about new friends, but fearful at my limited strength ruining the fragile beginnings.....
sigh....

Pray that I will keep my eyes on Jesus and be still with Him.