When all I see is Need...

Most conversations around me seem to be centered on opening up our eyes to the needs of the Other.  Most sermons and blogs and challenges and lectures are all about creating awareness.  Getting rid of ignorance.  Educating.

Well, what happens when I (though still full of ignorant assumptions, I know!) seem to ONLY see the needs of those around me?  What happens when I don't have a default yes/no based on my own life's needs?

What happens when all I see is the Need of the Other?

How do I know what to say yes or no to?
How do I know when to take care of myself, and when to sacrifice my own needs?
How do I know which need take precedence in a given moment?


Yeah, I don't think I ever will know in the sense of "certainty," and I do think it's a lot of trial, error, attempts, successes, failures, learnings, listenings...  and, well, PROCESS.  Which, ten years ago, would have freaked me out.  Now, I feel much better about Process, but it still jumps up at me, startling my daily rhythms again...  like today.

(I guess it's also hard for me right now, cuz I have a good idea of how to take care of me, but it involves a LOT of alone time....which is a VERY rare commodity in this season I'm in... so to be continually saying no to outside relationships - which is what I desire - creates a weird tension between isolation [selfish loneliness] and health [selfless connection].  I suppose my main desire is validation of my choices...but ...  agh, I guess that's ppl-pleasing then?  Hmmm...)

I am still learning that process IS the point, but, man, what to do in the moment of need-awareness?  I'm told to take responsibility (my childhood).  I'm told that to know good and not do it is sin (James).  I'm told to make the best choice I can, with the info I have, and then act.

Well, this has me stumped.

I guess I do want some sort of formula.  I guess I'd love to be God in those moments, instead of having to trust His promptings in my heart.  Ah, but how to know when it is God's moving, and not my own desires?  What to do with an over-reaching sense of responsibility?

There is Need and Pain and Loneliness and Hurt everywhere!!
Yet, I am not God.
And I am allowed to be a limited and need-dependent human.
Yet...  I am His hands and feet; a Truth-speaker in a world thirsty for Reality; a limited and grace-standing daughter of God.  Can I simmer there???  Ah, Grace! 

Hmmm....

Re-orient my world, Jesus.  Let me take one step after You.  Fill me with Truth - for myself first, and then those You have placed in my world today.  Open my eyes to Your Reality.  I need You.