Normal Life.

Some tumbling thoughts this morning...I'm remembering the words of my Aunt Flo, at my brother's wedding a couple years ago, this morning:

"You can't wait for someone to take care of you."

It's funny, cuz at that time, I told her I didn't believe that, and it just didn't make much sense to me.  After all, isn't that what husbands, and friends, and community, and God, all do?  But, as I simmered on that thought for a while, I realized how much I really do wait for someone else to take responsibility for my health.  To read my needs.  To meet them without my asking for help.  To absolve me of  the guilt for my lack of self-care.  I prefer to sit in the control of "I'm living sacrificially" instead of owning my life (which, I can only sacrifice what I own anyways, right?)

For me, this has opened up an entirely new way of doing life....marriage...parenting...friendships.

• I now work really hard to express my needs (which means I HAVE to have some still time each day, so I can get with Jesus, and my thoughts, and figure out what it is I even do need).  
• I try really hard to be careful with my words - I no longer just respond with a polite "I'm fine" or "No, I don't need help" or "It's no problem" when I'm not fine, I do need help, and it is a problem.
• I no longer wait for Kris to notice my need for connection, intimacy, friendship, alone time, worship, girl time, ETC!, and then to offer to help meet that need in some way.  Yes, I still LOVE it when he does notice, but, most often, I try to kindly let him know where I'm at, and what he could do to offer support.  I love it when he also shares the same needs for his heart.  We can't read minds, right? :)  We can't meet every relational need for each other, right?
• I'm better at saying "No" to social and church and family events.  If the boys are having a super rough week, and we just need an evening home, then I'm not going to wait for my friend to notice that, and retract her offer of hang out time; how could she even know?  

 Anyways, perhaps this is simple Normal Life to most people, but being raised to be polite ALWAYS, it is just engraved upon my heart that my needs are always secondary - if ever even given weight - yet, how can we lay down a self, if we don't have a self?  I need to have a life, to sacrifice it.  I need to be an individual, in order to submit to Jesus.

In other words, I am a valuable person too, and it's ok to ask for the space I need to be a healthy person.  THEN, when a situation arises that requires sacrifice, I have a Routine/Normal/Self that I can lay down.

Just yesterday, Alex made a joke about calling himself dumb, and we had a good conversation about how negative self-talk isn't ok, because, after all, you are also a person (made it God's image, whom He dearly loves!).  It's not just OTHER people who get to have respect, and rest, and boundaries, and encouragement, and love.  It's you too!!! 

So, all this to say, I am being convicted about the level of guilt I carry around, because I have needs.  Because I am human.  Because I have limits. Because I have more resources than '3rd world woman A, B, and C,' and I shouldn't even talk about my daily exhaustion's.  It's kinda ridiculous, true, but tis my Default most days.  I'm thankful Jesus patiently points out these things, so that I can have more Freedom, Peace, and Contentment with Him.

He is so Good.