Can't Lose If You Don't Play

I wonder how much energy is spent trying to win at Games we don't even intend to play?

How often do we stop to think about the how's and why's of our actions and motivations? Whether the relational or practical aspects of life (parenting, marriage, singleness, work, hobbies, rest, spirituality, etc), we all play The Games.

da-da-daaaaaaaa ::ominous music::

The Games.

OK, ok, what do I mean?

I mean something deeper than just expectations of a job well done, or working on healthy relationships - I'm talking about that SHOULD/MUST/OUGHT that keeps us from peace and rest.  This is the realm of Identity, Self-worth, Truth, Jealousy, Insecurity, Trust, and Hope.  Deep layers, people, and full of blind spots. 

Why is it so hard to say to others (and to ourselves):

• I have limits, you have limits
• We can't all be awesome at everything
• I don't expect me or you to be perfect

Look, when fashion or photography or landscaping or teaching or writing or blogging or Instagram or WHATEVER is your profession (or hobby), then it makes sense that the nuances of that field are a part of your vocabulary, motives, actions, spending, and desires, right?  But, we all walk different paths, and have different abilities, so why try to mold us all into one lump (I'm not talking Relativism here, guys, just the Uniqueness of the Individual)?

I mean, what happens when (especially in our global culture) we have access to the nuances of thousands of fields/ways of living?  We are taught that we can be excellent at ALL of them, "tolerate" all of them, understand all of them, etc. if we will but apply ourselves, believe, and work hard (enter: a Game).

Or, we buy into the lie that we deserve to be awesome at all of it, so we run Run RUN, always striving, so as to not be seen as foolish (at the Game).

Or, we just agree with the comments of "less-than-perfect"/'failure" that we receive, and keep moving (in all the Games we juggle).

But, of course, we have the same 24 hour limit as everyone else, and we do end up making choices about what to do, and what to leave undone.  ::shocker::

But, that's just normal life, right?

Right?

Yeah, not so much anymore.

There seems to be a growing ridicule at the people who aren't up to speed on every element of our culture.  Regardless of whether or not this shows up out of insecurities or stress, it's still a very loud voice in many of our ears.

[Philosophy sidetrack: we're not giving room for the Infinite within the Other.  We're Totalizing the Other, as well as our own selves! ~Levinas]

I especially see this in teen culture (yea for Herd mentality), but it's all around the generations these days (yea for a highly marketed culture....although, just turning the TV off will have more of an impact than you know...just a tangential thought...freebie!).


But, here is my point:
*finally, Carlene!*

That ridicule we have all received at one time or another for being less than perfect at _______ doesn't have to create a negative response that pushes us even farther into The [endless] Games around us.

Why?

I'm glad you asked.  I'll tell you.  Because:

• I'm choosing which Games to play.  
• Which plays to study.  
• Which Games to bench myself and not to even engage.

There's no way I can totally remove myself from The Games, as we are in a specific culture, year, and location, with specific skills, abilities, resources, and limits, but I CAN choose what to play, and what to ignore.

Try it: "I don't play that Game, so my fashion/TV show knowledge/pull-ups/degrees aren't at your level.  But, I am playing the Game of Christian/Wife/Mommy/Friend/House Manager/Healthy Woman, and here's how I do well at those Games..."

And, let's not rain on each others' parades, eh?  If I'm choosing to throw a freaking awesome birthday party for my five year old, and I love doing parties, and I have saved up $1,000 for it, then why get judged?  If, however, I want to throw down a freaking awesome $5 Little Ceaser's pizza, and play board games, then why get judged?

Rhythms, people.  Rhythms.  We all have them.  And, guess what?  They're unique.  ::gasp::

For me, I am intentionally talking  positively to myself when I get stressed at how I'm not succeeding (mostly as a professional) at piano, volleyball, education, kickboxing, masters degrees, extra-clean everything, perfectly organized everything, decorating, clothing, parenting, marriage, friendships, etc (good thing I'm not some crazy over-analyzer, eh?). I take a good look at what I AM doing well (as well as what I could improve upon), what voices to listen to (Hubby, yes), and what voices to tune out (Commercials, no).

Basically, when I begin to see how well others are doing in areas that I think I should do well in, I walk it out:

• Do I have the desire? time? energy? talent? to pursue _____?
• If not (at least in this current season - even if in past seasons it was realistic), are there ways I can still incorporate _____ into my day, in a way that is refreshing to myself, if I want to?
• Enjoy playing the piano occasionally, when I want to...
• Goof around with the volleyball at the park with the boys...
• Enjoy a good walk, even if I'm not burning 1,000 calories...
• Read a challenging book and at some point in the year (lol not joking), have a convo about it...
• Organize and Clean, knowing it will all be undone in 5 minutes...
• When The Games start speaking loudly (in conversations, or just in my head) that I'm not doing as well as I could be doing, I gently remind them/myself that I am intentionally choosing to do well in other things right now....Because, say it with me, "I Have Limits and So Do You."

So, this week, enjoy the idea that just because you CAN do/know something, doesn't mean you HAVE to make it happen.  Make a choice to live well in the areas you can, and let the rest go.

After all, you can't lose if you don't play.

I don't play that game.

Thoughts for this week:

• Do I know my limits?
• For me, which Games are non-negotiable, which ones are optional, and which ones do I need to avoid?
• What are the specific Games I'm playing that I need to bench myself on this week?  
• Which Games do I want to keep doing well in, and how will that look for me? 
• What are areas that would be good to re-focus on, and what should I begin ignoring?
• What are my goals - relationally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically?  Are they SUSTAINABLE for me? 

You're Welcome.

We grow up learning to say, "please & thank you," but all too often we miss out on the final element to these polite phrases: "you are welcome."  It's funny how these three little words convey so many things:

Acknowledgement of a deed done.
Kind response to gratitude.
Humility.
Respect.
Love.

 
When the Giver offers up a minimalist response ("No problem/No big deal/It was nothing") to the gratitude, the Receiver is put in the position of trying to convince the Giver that it WAS a problem/big deal/something, and this leads to the Receiver wondering how many thanks is enough, etc.  The back and forth that then ensues may be no big deal to most of us - just polite society, or the way things are, perhaps - but I've been seeing the deeper levels behind this all-too-often exchange (especially in the Church world), and have a few thoughts I'd like to share.

1. For the RECEIVER: When I am in need, and someone offers up time/money/help/etc. to meet that need, I am blessed.  This should trigger a response of gratitude in me.  When I say, "thank you for ______" but receive a response that minimizes their action/gift, it, in turn, minimizes my original need.  I know how much their gift/action touched my heart, and for the response to be "no big deal," well, it WAS a big deal to me... wasn't it?  I MEAN it when I say, "thank you," and it is not something I say just because I'm obligated.

(Which, as an aside, this "polite" motivation is a whole other issue to me, because why are we offering up thanks - or help - if we don't really mean it?  Integrity, people!  Why do we have no problem with lying when it's "polite," and what we're "supposed to say," but recognize it as sin when it's for our gain?  I am all for manners, you guys, but this takes it away from Respect and Kindness - the reasons for being polite - and into the realm of legalistic and obligatory perfectionism.)

2.  For the GIVER: When I put forth effort for someone, but then I put myself in the position of minimizing my effort, I am constantly convincing myself that the money/time/energy/gift really is no big deal, and my limits aren't anything I need to take into account.  Yet, a gift always costs me something.  When I don't acknowledge that cost, I can quickly jump onto the burn-out road where I have no idea what my limits are, because I never acknowledge them to anyone (even to myself).  This is actually a form of pride (false humility), as it sets the Giver up as limitless and superhuman.


Now, I know there are people who want nothing more than to be praised for their effort, and seen for all their sacrifices, but for the other side of the spectrum - those who are always trying to be seen as limitless in their giving (even to the recipient) - I hope this can be a word of caution to help us all swing more towards the middle ground.


Yes, there are times to be anonymous, and even to downplay the cost, but I don't believe this should be the main way we operate.  It's ok to have limits.  It's ok to let the work of our hands be seen, acknowledged, and offered up as praise to Jesus, who made all gifts possible in the first place.

No, we shouldn't only do something to get a "thank you" and some attention from people, but when it is given/noticed, let's offer up a hearty "you are welcome!" and let the gratitude cycle be completed by the acknowledgement of the service done, knowing that both parties are then seen and encouraged....which easily leads into worship, as both recognize that it is Jesus Who makes all things possible.


Pay attention to what your default response is when someone tells you "thank you" this week, and then ask yourself some questions: 

• Why is it so hard for some of us to receive thanks?
• Is it easy to say "you're welcome," or does that feel too proud to me?
• Do I have a clear idea on my limits?
• If it goes back and forth from "Thanks" to "No big deal" to "No, really, thank you" etc etc, does that make the focus more on myself (fishing for compliments, whether that's the intent or not)?
• Did Jesus say that what He gave us on the cross was no big deal, or does He agree that it was the biggest sacrifice One could make, and that is why He is worthy of our lives, love, gratitude, praise, etc?  When I tell Him "thank you" do I have to keep going on and on to convince Him that I really, really, really mean it?  Then why should we act like that with each other?
• Which side do I lean more towards: desiring attention and praise, or being seen as limitless?  
• If I am on the side of really wanting the praise of people, and therefore only give gifts that will be clearly seen, can I spend time in repentance, and ask the Lord to help me say, "you're welcome," and then move on to giving God the glory?  Ask Jesus to help my motivation be to please Him, Who sees all things, even if the recipient isn't aware of the cost.
• If I am on the side of minimizing my gift, even though my intent is not to be seen as limitless, does it make sense that that is what I communicate by saying that the cost was nothing (which is really lying)?  If this is a struggle for me, can I spend some time in repentance for my perfectionism, and ask the Lord to help me humbly receive gratitude this week for the work of my hands that is offered up to others?

Don't forget to look up.

In His Grip,
Carlene