Living Small

Once again, I am seeing how much "should" plays a huge role in my life.  Indulge me as I process...again?

Should: "used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions."

My default setting is here. 
My initial thoughts are here. 
My identity is here.

It's interesting that the dictionary talks about criticizing someone's actions, for it is my own heart and actions that are constanly under the microscope.

I should work out, volunteer, call this person, clean the baseboards, work on the budget, plan a creative project with the boys, be romantic with my husband, shower, eat well, ....  you get the picture.

Somehow I have taken normal, ordinary, beautiful parts of life, and put them in a "have to," "check off the list," "you suck if you don't do this," "failure on the other side," category of "Should."  Tis quite draining.

What's even more frustrating, for me, is that this is something I have been intentionally working through for a decade now. 

Counseling. 
Mentoring. 
Friendships. 
Marriage. 
Time with Jesus.

I am around many wise and lovely people, who have gently spoken grace to my heart. 
This is a grace issue for me. 
A striving, working, earning, performance-driven, perfectionist, so-hard-to-receive-grace, issue.

Am I being to harsh on myself?

I shouldn't be, I know. [ha]

Beauty in being goofy.  Grace.

Of course, there are many ways in which we could use a good dash of "should."  In regards to work, or money, or relationships, there will be many moments when doing the right thing, regardless of how ya feel, is the path we would do well to take.  We should take.

We don't always want to go to work, or resolve an issue, or save for a purchase, but wisdom is found in those choices, right?  Life is found on the other side.

It's not always about me, and my preferences, in any given moment.  "Should" can be very helpful to us.

Yet.

How have I taken Should to such an extreme place, as to smother my voice/gifting/preferences? 
Do I really fear failing that much? 
ALL of life is not comprised of "Should" moments, right? 
What's so wrong with making a decision out of rest, joy, contentment, and, dare I say, fun?
Is it worse to do what's needed, but continue to drown, or to make time/money/energy for where I come alive, but then risk times of being irresponsible, lazy, undependable, or selfish?
Why have my years of learning to make decisions from the center of Carlene-and Jesus, and not from 'what-is-expected,' not sunk deep enough?
Am I so impatient for perfection (ha)?
Am I trying to manage my sin, or perfect my imperfection (haha)?

Me?  Over-analyze?

Lol, ok, ok, I obviously am getting absurd in this now.  In fact, this whole thought process came up because I'm in James 3 today, and he says, "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers and sisters, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness."  He goes on to make some very challenging statements in regards to our speech, but that first verse stuck out at me.  

Could it be that it's OK if I don't become a teacher (which happens to be the same career path I desire)?  Just cuz I CAN teach, SHOULD I teach?  Am I Responsible to teach?  Am I Required?  And does this apply to anything I CAN do...or COULD do...does it mean I MUST do it (music, sports, missions, traveling, learning, etc)?

Ya know, that whole "You can do whatever you want" crap.

::Deep breath::

Isn't it funny how it matters where you start from when making a decision?  The exact same action (pursuing a MA in philosophy or religion to teach at the collegiate level), made from:

"I MUST teach because I've been told I can do it well, and in order to not waste a gift, I must use it; therefore, in order to obey Jesus and live wisely, I SHOULD walk this path, no matter how exhausting or overwhelming or expensive it is.  I must press through."

vs.

"I enjoy helping other people learn something.  I like exploring new ideas, and processing them with people who agree, and disagree, with me.  I would enjoy teaching at a community level, and it would be nice to get paid for it, but I also enjoy the ability to walk alongside the people around me, growing together.  I can Teach, and not be validated by a piece of paper.  However, it also sounds nice to have a job in an area where I get paid to learn and to teach, so perhaps getting a degree would be a good path too.  Either way, teaching takes many forms, and I am free to be where I'm at, making choices for what our family wants/needs, using what I have, with those around me.  The biggest, most efficient, most traveled path doesn't necessarily mean it's the best, or the worst, for me.  I am free to choose.  Jesus is bigger than my failings, and my successes.  I can rest in the Now, for He is Good."

Resting in a Good moment.

Yes, I can talk myself in and out of anything.  
Yes, I over-analyze life.  
Yes, it would be great to have a focus for my brain's wiring. 
Yes, it is ok to be AVERAGE/NORMAL.
Yes, there are seasons of survival, where paying the bills and getting through the day trumps all. 
Yes, I've been talking about this for years....I"m sick of hearing it too lol
Yes, it is good to live small.
Yes, it is good to succeed from living out my giftings.

Man, can I just say how thankful I am for Kris, and for my other dear friends, who call me back to Grace, reminding me that 

It's
Not
About
Me/Money/Status/Efficiency.

It's about Jesus.  

And He redeems all areas of life, and work, and relationships.  
All can be meaningful, when surrendered to Him.  
There is no sacred/secular divide.  
We don't need to compartmentalize our "spiritual" lives from our "normal" lives. 
He transforms all!  
Praise Jesus.

It's just Life!

I am so hungry to Live Small, trusting that the currency of God's Kingdom runs differently than what I see around me.  And, heck, in the times when Jesus takes the same action, but grows it up out of different motives, I can rest that He sees; He understands;  He knows; even if others don't. Even if I don't.


I suppose that it really does come down to the heart, eh?  Maybe Jesus knew what He was talking about (duh), when He continually challenged the idea that outward appearances defines the true scope of an action.  

Sometimes it is about the Big, Efficient, Work-place, Huge-impact action. 
Sometimes it is about the Small, Invisible, Only-one-is-changed path.

Who am I to say what Jesus can or can't do?  
For you.  
For me.  
I can Live Small, in this season, for He is a big God!


Seeking the deep waters with you,
Carlene


"Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today" Exodus 14:13
"Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands..."
1 Thess. 4:11 Ah.... such is my heart for this season.  Glory to God.

Living small is sometimes pretty Big.