Small moments matter.
I'm learning this all over again with a newborn in the house. I'm also realizing that I suck at asking for help. Like, I'm really really bad. Especially when I'm tired...which is odd, cuz you would think that that would be the time when I am MOST likely to ask for assistance. But, nope. I get this stupid pride of "look how much I'm pushing through the exhaustion" arrogance, and I just tumble down farther into a sleepless stupor.
And we all suffer.
So, you may ask, why don't I suck it up, ask for help, and watch us all benefit? No clue. But I am trying to work on it. Because, truly, a 10 minute shower, or 5 minutes of drinking some tea in the backyard, or a 30 minute nap....yeah, life-giving....when I ask for it. Not obtainable otherwise. So, Carlene, will you learn?! I sure hope so.
...for the sake of us all :)
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Life is a Stage, part 2
Performance: demon, danger, or delight?
I grew up with a very keen awareness of Expectations. Part of it is the way I'm wired, and part of it is my upbringing. While there may not be something inherently good or bad about meeting someone's expectations, it leads to a slippery path nonetheless. I zoomed down that path during JH and highschool, and began the slow, arduous climb back up, during college. I plateaued for a while, but have begun wobbling again....so here begins my thoughts and questions.
As a child, I learned that it is easy to receive praise and attention when I excelled above anything anyone expected. I learned to take the average and go beyond...as far as I could. I learned that being normal wasn't as cool as being exceptional/unique/above.
And I got hooked.
The real clincher is that I do genuinely enjoy helping and serving others, so it oftens causes great turmoil for me as I examine my motives: was I doing this for their praise or out of service to them/God? And this is only compounded when a person notices my action. Now, to clarify, I am not talking about genuine encouragement, accountability, or life-giving words, but rather the "affirmation of my value as a person" that I receive for being "good enough."
ouch.
Seeking the praise of people over God is one of my biggest struggles. I am addicted to being the gal who everyone likes. This clashes very frequently with a strong value of mine: Integrity in my faith and morals. This should mean that I would NOT be liked by people as often as I am. In fact, I read passages in the Bible about the world hating me cuz I bear the name of Christ, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong? Not that I'm needing to be all-out offensive, but perhaps I am watering down the Truth too much? Or is it so bad to season Truth with grace and love at all times? Or, am I confusing grace and love with "being nice"? hmm...
A second problem that I frequently struggle with is allowing sin to go unchecked in my loved ones, because it isn't "polite/nice" to point it out. And, consequently, the correction I could receive is not given either. I am such a fan of honest and accountable relationships, and thankfully, a great number of my close friends are open to this two-way road (praise God!), but I also have many relationships that are not so open. This really makes my heart ache, for the depth and freedom that we could have, by being open to correction, is truly significant! Oh to trust the Lord enough with our identity that we could ask and pursue honest and loving correction all the time! Freedom is found in such a life, I know this to be true.
My problem comes that even when the relationship is open for loving rebuke, I often will not tell a close friend or family member of something I've observed in their lives that may lead to harm. And not that I'm always right in my observation, but I won't even pursue the conversation for fear of what they'll think of me.
Tragic.
Yet, at the same time, I am also awkwardly honest if asked a question. This stems from years ago, when I decided that I was done with the pat/church/polite responses, so I decided that if you ask me how I'm doing, you'll find out the truth. Kris and I are both of the conviction "be careful what you ask me, for you will get the answer. " (which is a whole other conversation of balances!)
So, basically, I am tired of having all of these conflicts....the war inside....the dissidence in my mind and heart! Perhaps this is what Paul meant when he talks about doing what he doesn't want to do, and vice versa? Perhaps this people-pleasing/performance nature will never go away for me, but I can simply battle/struggle with it in the Lord's strength? Perhaps I am need to allow Him deeper into my heart, so I have the energy to overcome these struggles more frequently? hmm...
As I have matured, I have learned that most of the expectations I tried to meet were not even real, or completely unrealistic. I have learned that the praise of people is fickle and takes a great deal of energy to obtain, whereas the praise of God is obtained by obedience and a deeper relationship with Him. And, more importantly, the LOVE of God has been freely given to me - oh, to rest in that!
Your prayers would be appreciated as I learn what to censor, and what to share; when to speak and when to keep quiet; how to pursue God's reality over the ever-changing standards of people; and how to take a leap of faith in speaking out of conviction, even when it may cost me...and, most importantly, how to be fully alive in Christ, as Carlene was intended to be.
Beautiful.
I grew up with a very keen awareness of Expectations. Part of it is the way I'm wired, and part of it is my upbringing. While there may not be something inherently good or bad about meeting someone's expectations, it leads to a slippery path nonetheless. I zoomed down that path during JH and highschool, and began the slow, arduous climb back up, during college. I plateaued for a while, but have begun wobbling again....so here begins my thoughts and questions.
As a child, I learned that it is easy to receive praise and attention when I excelled above anything anyone expected. I learned to take the average and go beyond...as far as I could. I learned that being normal wasn't as cool as being exceptional/unique/above.
And I got hooked.
The real clincher is that I do genuinely enjoy helping and serving others, so it oftens causes great turmoil for me as I examine my motives: was I doing this for their praise or out of service to them/God? And this is only compounded when a person notices my action. Now, to clarify, I am not talking about genuine encouragement, accountability, or life-giving words, but rather the "affirmation of my value as a person" that I receive for being "good enough."
ouch.
Seeking the praise of people over God is one of my biggest struggles. I am addicted to being the gal who everyone likes. This clashes very frequently with a strong value of mine: Integrity in my faith and morals. This should mean that I would NOT be liked by people as often as I am. In fact, I read passages in the Bible about the world hating me cuz I bear the name of Christ, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong? Not that I'm needing to be all-out offensive, but perhaps I am watering down the Truth too much? Or is it so bad to season Truth with grace and love at all times? Or, am I confusing grace and love with "being nice"? hmm...
A second problem that I frequently struggle with is allowing sin to go unchecked in my loved ones, because it isn't "polite/nice" to point it out. And, consequently, the correction I could receive is not given either. I am such a fan of honest and accountable relationships, and thankfully, a great number of my close friends are open to this two-way road (praise God!), but I also have many relationships that are not so open. This really makes my heart ache, for the depth and freedom that we could have, by being open to correction, is truly significant! Oh to trust the Lord enough with our identity that we could ask and pursue honest and loving correction all the time! Freedom is found in such a life, I know this to be true.
My problem comes that even when the relationship is open for loving rebuke, I often will not tell a close friend or family member of something I've observed in their lives that may lead to harm. And not that I'm always right in my observation, but I won't even pursue the conversation for fear of what they'll think of me.
Tragic.
Yet, at the same time, I am also awkwardly honest if asked a question. This stems from years ago, when I decided that I was done with the pat/church/polite responses, so I decided that if you ask me how I'm doing, you'll find out the truth. Kris and I are both of the conviction "be careful what you ask me, for you will get the answer. " (which is a whole other conversation of balances!)
So, basically, I am tired of having all of these conflicts....the war inside....the dissidence in my mind and heart! Perhaps this is what Paul meant when he talks about doing what he doesn't want to do, and vice versa? Perhaps this people-pleasing/performance nature will never go away for me, but I can simply battle/struggle with it in the Lord's strength? Perhaps I am need to allow Him deeper into my heart, so I have the energy to overcome these struggles more frequently? hmm...
As I have matured, I have learned that most of the expectations I tried to meet were not even real, or completely unrealistic. I have learned that the praise of people is fickle and takes a great deal of energy to obtain, whereas the praise of God is obtained by obedience and a deeper relationship with Him. And, more importantly, the LOVE of God has been freely given to me - oh, to rest in that!
Your prayers would be appreciated as I learn what to censor, and what to share; when to speak and when to keep quiet; how to pursue God's reality over the ever-changing standards of people; and how to take a leap of faith in speaking out of conviction, even when it may cost me...and, most importantly, how to be fully alive in Christ, as Carlene was intended to be.
Beautiful.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Life is a stage, part 1
...stages, that is. Many seasons of life exist - we are told this all the time, no? - yet I don't think I ever fully comprehended the "big deal" of that statement until having kids. This season of life is unlike anything I've experienced before, and allowing it to simply "be" has been challenging beyond expectation. I wish I were living in close community with you, dear friends, so that we could share each others burdens in the reality that they are....
It is exhausting, and some days (like today) cause me to struggle a great deal more with accepting the reality of what my days now must look like (i.e. finding time for a small moment to sit at the computer may, in fact, be the only "fun/rest" time I get all day)....or, that the sacrifices Kris and I make in the material are worth what we're living out in the spiritual/emotional with our family.
Mostly, it comes down to the fact that I am very very very inflexible person. I hate getting interrupted. I hate having to lose my train of thought all the time. I hate not being able to follow through on plans: my own or with others. I hate getting mad at my boys for not being able to just sit and read a good book. I hate sounding so selfish.
Oh, God, change me quickly, for I cannot bear this fight for much longer. Show me how to surrender self, and how to take the moments you give me as the gifts they are. Help me to not allow envy and jealousy to ruin the blessings You send. Show me how to be healthy by making time for Life-giving fun, while not begrudging my sons for the time they demand of me.
Thank You for the blessing of family.
It is exhausting, and some days (like today) cause me to struggle a great deal more with accepting the reality of what my days now must look like (i.e. finding time for a small moment to sit at the computer may, in fact, be the only "fun/rest" time I get all day)....or, that the sacrifices Kris and I make in the material are worth what we're living out in the spiritual/emotional with our family.
Mostly, it comes down to the fact that I am very very very inflexible person. I hate getting interrupted. I hate having to lose my train of thought all the time. I hate not being able to follow through on plans: my own or with others. I hate getting mad at my boys for not being able to just sit and read a good book. I hate sounding so selfish.
Oh, God, change me quickly, for I cannot bear this fight for much longer. Show me how to surrender self, and how to take the moments you give me as the gifts they are. Help me to not allow envy and jealousy to ruin the blessings You send. Show me how to be healthy by making time for Life-giving fun, while not begrudging my sons for the time they demand of me.
Thank You for the blessing of family.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Full Circle
Five or six years ago I began to blog. About two years ago I stopped...."Life" happened (guess all those people in college were right). Now, I've got the ache for it again.
Call it a place for me to be CARLENE again.
A time for self-reflection and thought in a season where it no longer comes easily or naturally.
A place to be an adult.
A place to be real....and to hopefully have real/life/truth given back to me.
Basically, I'm hungry. I'm desperate. Totally in need of a place to dialogue and become refreshed....talking to Alex and Jon about the reality of the media's influence on delayed adolescence can only go so far! :) (although Kris at least provides a wonderful outlet for such convo's!)
I do miss the times when I could simply make some tea and dive into a person's (and my own!) heart with joy, care, patience, wisdom, and laughter. This will hopefully supplement some of that. We shall see. If nothing else, I will get an outlet to be a real thinking person again.
......and hopefully for more than once a month .... :)
That is my goal. I want to process thoughts, share ideas, and get a glimpse of God's reality - not the illusionary crap I see, but the Beauty and Life that comes from an
Encounter with Truth.
Call it a place for me to be CARLENE again.
A time for self-reflection and thought in a season where it no longer comes easily or naturally.
A place to be an adult.
A place to be real....and to hopefully have real/life/truth given back to me.
Basically, I'm hungry. I'm desperate. Totally in need of a place to dialogue and become refreshed....talking to Alex and Jon about the reality of the media's influence on delayed adolescence can only go so far! :) (although Kris at least provides a wonderful outlet for such convo's!)
I do miss the times when I could simply make some tea and dive into a person's (and my own!) heart with joy, care, patience, wisdom, and laughter. This will hopefully supplement some of that. We shall see. If nothing else, I will get an outlet to be a real thinking person again.
......and hopefully for more than once a month .... :)
That is my goal. I want to process thoughts, share ideas, and get a glimpse of God's reality - not the illusionary crap I see, but the Beauty and Life that comes from an
Encounter with Truth.
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