Life is a Stage, part 2

Performance: demon, danger, or delight?

I grew up with a very keen awareness of Expectations.  Part of it is the way I'm wired, and part of it is my upbringing.  While there may not be something inherently good or bad about meeting someone's expectations, it leads to a slippery path nonetheless.  I zoomed down that path during JH and highschool, and began the slow, arduous climb back up, during college.  I plateaued for a while, but have begun wobbling again....so here begins my thoughts and questions.

As a child, I learned that it is easy to receive praise and attention when I excelled above anything anyone expected.  I learned to take the average and go beyond...as far as I could.  I learned that being normal wasn't as cool as being exceptional/unique/above. 

And I got hooked. 

The real clincher is that I do genuinely enjoy helping and serving others, so it oftens causes great turmoil for me as I examine my motives: was I doing this for their praise or out of service to them/God?  And this is only compounded when a person notices my action.  Now, to clarify, I am not talking about genuine encouragement, accountability, or life-giving words, but rather the "affirmation of my value as a person" that I receive for being "good enough." 

ouch.


Seeking the praise of people over God is one of my biggest struggles.  I am addicted to being the gal who everyone likes.  This clashes very frequently with a strong value of mine: Integrity in my faith and morals.  This should mean that I would NOT be liked by people as often as I am.  In fact, I read passages in the Bible about the world hating me cuz I bear the name of Christ, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong?  Not that I'm needing to be all-out offensive, but perhaps I am watering down the Truth too much?   Or is it so bad to season Truth with grace and love at all times?  Or, am I confusing grace and love with "being nice"?  hmm...

A second problem that I frequently struggle with is allowing sin to go unchecked in my loved ones, because it isn't "polite/nice" to point it out.  And, consequently, the correction I could receive is not given either.  I am such a fan of honest and accountable relationships, and thankfully, a great number of my close friends are open to this two-way road (praise God!), but I also have many relationships that are not so open.  This really makes my heart ache, for the depth and freedom that we could have, by being open to correction, is truly significant!  Oh to trust the Lord enough with our identity that we could ask and pursue honest and loving correction all the time!  Freedom is found in such a life, I know this to be true.


My problem comes that even when the relationship is open for loving rebuke, I often will not tell a close friend or family member of something I've observed in their lives that may lead to harm.  And not that I'm always right in my observation, but I won't even pursue the conversation for fear of what they'll think of me. 

Tragic.

Yet, at the same time, I am also awkwardly honest if asked a question.  This stems from years ago, when I decided that I was done with the pat/church/polite responses, so I decided that if you ask me how I'm doing, you'll find out the truth.  Kris and I are both of the conviction "be careful what you ask me, for you will get the answer. " (which is a whole other conversation of balances!) 

So, basically, I am tired of having all of these conflicts....the war inside....the dissidence in my mind and heart!  Perhaps this is what Paul meant when he talks about doing what he doesn't want to do, and vice versa?  Perhaps this people-pleasing/performance nature will never go away for me, but I can simply battle/struggle with it in the Lord's strength?  Perhaps I am need to allow Him deeper into my heart, so I have the energy to overcome these struggles more frequently?  hmm...

As I have matured, I have learned that most of the expectations I tried to meet were not even real, or  completely unrealistic. I have learned that the praise of people is fickle and takes a great deal of energy to obtain, whereas the praise of God is obtained by obedience and a deeper relationship with Him.  And, more importantly, the LOVE of God has been freely given to me - oh, to rest in that!


Your prayers would be appreciated as I learn what to censor, and what to share; when to speak and when to keep quiet; how to pursue God's reality over the ever-changing standards of people; and how to take a leap of faith in speaking out of conviction, even when it may cost me...and, most importantly, how to be fully alive in Christ, as Carlene was intended to be.

Beautiful.