I'm sad today. Frustrated with my immaturity and selfish desires. Hungry for normal life - that thing where I don't second guess *literally* every decision in my day and where I feel at peace with how time is used. I'm tired and hormonal. I need a break. I'm carrying burdens that are not mine to carry. And my own burdens are not being handed over to Christ. I'm frustrated with how much we shirk the Great to hold the crap. I'm confused with how to approach those (who aren't asking for my advice) with red flags I have been seeing for years. I'm unsure how I can go from a truly perfect morning yesterday to such a draining and off one today. I want to laugh and play and enjoy my children. I want to have more than a conversation with my computer, yet I am unsure who to go to here in town. Why are we all too busy to have meaningful/real/honest/deep heart-to-hearts?! :( I wonder how I can have the depth of real living that used to exist for me, and I wonder why it went away. I wonder why it's taking me so long to adjust to motherhood (i.e. have more than 2 or 3 days a month when I feel capable and excited to be where I'm at) when others seem to get along really well, really quickly.
sigh
I am excited to see Alex communicating with words. I am excited to have grass beginning to grow in our backyard. I enjoy that Jon can have tummy time with toys and be content for longer than 30 seconds. I am thankful we have AC. I am glad I married a hard-working and honest man. I am so blessed to have attended CCU in the years I did, with the prof's I did, and the ministries/missions/roommates/classes/friends I had. I'm thankful that God is present and honest and true and good and real and in control, even when life screams otherwise. I am thankful for His grace, cuz I am not anywhere close to good enough - in word, deed, or thought. I am glad that He has a clue, cuz I have none. I am glad He "puts up with" my perfectionistic attitude and always-on-the-go heart. I am learning He might even like who I am.... I am thankful my years of stress in choosing college/husband/kids/house are past. I am glad to be living in a house with only my family. I am thankful I don't live in a cold/snowy climate. I'm glad I have fruit nearby. I'm excited to have a garden. I'm thankful for garage sales and craig's list so we can get new/nice things for way cheaper. I'm glad we're almost completely following our budget. I'm thankful I can read. I'm glad that God chose me while I was in my sins and that He doesn't leave me when I screw up. which is often.
ok, so I need a perspective shift. and a nap. and probably a walk. and definitely a good cry. oh, and a friend.
God, can You help me out? can I ask for more things, or is this a time to release and rest? Do I have permission to even do that? I'm hurting and in need and wish I had more control over my emotions, time, energy, and thoughts. Be near, for I am lost today. I wish I wasn't sucked so dry doing something that has such good benefits. help me to see from Your perspective and please let Your grace fall on me in a real way today.
KGP, Carlene.
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