birth, death, and redemption

Abba has been doing a bunch of reminding lately.....mostly that life with Him is most often about me letting go of my own ideas, dreams, hopes, plans, and then surrendering to His.  I don't think this has ever been more real to me than now, in this potent season of sacrifice: motherhood.

I see no possible hope for my dreams coming to fruition any time soon, if ever.  I just don't see how I could pursue my MA/Dr, teach college, lead youth, write books, speak, do missions, do consistent ministry, travel, etc, and not be giving up the very precious responsibility I now have.  Also, I don't see how I could even pursue those things even if I didn't have kids....they seem like pointless wisps of something greater.  I know God is a worker of miracles, and could very well allow me to do these things if it was His will, and yet, I am feeling more and more that He wants me to

release control.
mourn the loss.
accept my 'now.'
trust Him to work....in HIS way...in HIS timing.

That last part is really the kicker for me.  Perhaps I've never really trusted God to introduce the next season of life/dreams/goals when it is really perfect for me to have them.  Maybe I've never really seen God as my Daddy who has perfect knowledge of how (and when) I can accomplish the dreams He's placed in my heart.  Maybe I haven't been able to actually let go of something that is not right (in timing or for His will).  Maybe I've never really believed that He's in total control, and if it is apart of His will, He'll be the One to make it happen (i've seen this with mission trips, ministry, friendships, marriage, kids, moving, college, and a host of other life-changing moments in my life, yet right now He doesn't seem so present).

I think I've got this urgent "Only have one life, you've been given so much, better learn and do all you can, and don't screw it up" thinking that really just has to go.  God is big enough to introduce me into the next level of His will, in His way/timing, and I don't need to control that for Him.  really, I don't.

Maybe I can't see how He'll do it.  Maybe I won't get to do the things I desire.  Maybe it'll actually be something better.  Maybe I'm holding onto plastic pearls and He wants to give me real ones.  Maybe.

But I know He's calling me to new places of worship and trust.

It is hard.
I cry a lot.

But I know I don't have as good of a vantage point as my Papa, so...

::working at letting go and letting God::


[always amazed at how cliches actually speak so much truth, but they don't work for us until we live it out]