Small Moments

Well, I keep writing and deleting sentences, in hopes that I'll have something more calm, good, cheerful, intelligent, and purposeful to say than I have in the last, oh, year.  Yet, it seems my heart is still in this place of transition.  Venting.  Recently, I've equated this season of change-transition, with transition as seen in labor.  Not very fun for me in either instance.

Now, in those moments - or hours - of transition, I lose my awareness of time.  There is only Now, and it feels never-ending.  One contraction just rolls over the next, with small moments of utter rest offered in between.  If I choose to rest, it is only the exhausting-peaceful kind, like after carrying a 200lb backpack uphill in the Andies for 10 days straight.  When I was in transition with Jon I remember grabbing Kris' hand and calming requesting (ha), "Tell me 'this too will pass'!"  He told me.  I didn't believe him.

But I continued on, in hopes that this pain would truly be for a good and beautiful purpose - bringing our baby into the world.  I would get to hold him soon (although I didn't know he was a 'he' yet!).  I kept going.

Like I had a choice. Ha.

So, these last 3 years have felt like transition to me: never-ending, one hardship/pain/challenge/sacrifice/difficulty/question after another.  Yes, there have been small moments of beauty, rest, connection, and peace.  But, all in all, it's been rough.  Barely time to breath; and the breathing I do is labored, not pretty or composed, focused, and desperate.

Honestly, it's been weird to be in need.  It's so humbling to actually be a mess, instead of just talking about it.  It's so hard for me to accept help, and even harder to ask for it.  It's hard to accept disapointments and harsh realities.  It's hard to connect with Jesus as I used to.  It's hard to connect with people.  It's hard to cease striving, be still, take care of my heart, hear the Lord, rest, have fun, and clean behind my ears.  It's frustrating that parenthood has been so difficult for me to walk in - I truly only heard of how wonderful it was; how much even the exhausting seasons were so meaningful.  I'm cynical and bitter more often than hopeful and loving.  Oh, to walk in freedom! grace! as I once did.

Yet, in small moments like this one, hope in God's faithfulness, goodness, pursuit, love, and tender mercy are still within.

   ¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.  ~Paul, 2 Cor. 4