Talk with a seasoned mother, and you'll hear a whole host of unique ways of managing her household, raising her children, keeping her marriage strong, and finding time to keep her own self healthy. This is a process each woman must go through in life, but for a woman becoming a mother, this uniquely-lived-daily-life is especially essential.
A mother raises unique human beings, in a unique household, in a unique environment, in a unique time, in a (ok ok, you get the picture!), and this requires unique ways of thinking. The problem arises when a first-time mother is inundated with all manner of 'could/should/must/caution's' from businesses, and arrives at parenting not only with her own experiences, her own dreams, her own ideas of what it may look like, but those of a hundred corporations. (and probably those of a hubby or family too!)
Now, most of these organizations have good advice, but the problem is that it's not given as advice; it's given as a necessity. You MUST:
do this action
buy this product
pay attention to this fear
beware of this situation
clothe them this way
have this furniture
give this medicine
don't give this medicine
feed them this
don't feed them this
ET CETERA!!!!!!
If you aren't careful, the unsuspecting new mother can VERY easily get caught up in 437 new things to be thinking about, buying immediately, fearing constantly, and stressing over continually.
We need community. We need advice. We need to be taught. Fine. But, be careful to take your lessons from society. It's hard enough to filter out what the close people in your life tell you to do with your kids!
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| Fine advice, but it's not as simple/fun/easy as they say...Especially when we take a snapshot and turn it into her whole life. A beautiful room, with beautifully dressed people, laughing.... ah, not 24/7 reality, yet we want to make it so! "Bethenny Frankel on juggling a career with baby Bryn" at http://www.parenting.com/ |
My own limited experience has led me to say: find a few older mothers that you really respect, and ask questions. Then, be intentional to listen to them, and not just to culture. Mostly ask them how they've managed to create their own environment - whether that includes hot dogs, vaccinations, clothes from Goodwill, homemade rice cereal, time outs, diapers, sign language, or trips to the aquarium when they're 10 days old - listen to how they found the freedom to be what their family needed to be in each season. Listen to how the small moments of joy can carry you through the next days of challenges.
It's great to ask questions and look for advice. Just be careful only taking what is on TV, or in a magazine, or found in books. GREAT advice in most things out there, and as most likely your circle of friends doesn't include specialists, these resources are great ways to find out answers to questions. Just take it all with a grain of salt, recognizing that they are not walking in your shoes, so it has to be generic-advice, and not specific-to-YOU advice.
Many people already excel at being who they are and in doing what they need. I am not one of them. I take the expectations handed to me and then try to exceed them x10. I swallowed up so many 'have to's' of parenting, that it has taken me years to sort through it all.... to extract what I do not need to be, and to give myself the freedom to create my home and life as we need.....as I want!
Each season is unique. What I needed to do 2 years (heck, 2 days!) ago is not the same as now. Learning to walk in the grace of "this may not be what 'so and so' says I need to be doing right now, but it IS what I need to be doing right now. So I will."
Final thought: It's the small things, mostly, that I'm talking about. Big stuff is still there - still overwhelming - but easier to identify and filter. The small things are what exhausts you, and it's easy to have no clue why.
For me, this is lived out as simply as unloading the groceries and taking 5 or 10 to relax with my boys from the, often, stressful time of shopping with hundreds of snowbirds, before putting it all away. I was not raised this way. My default is to get everything put away ASAP and then put some speed on it, girl!
BUT! For me, in this season, it is simply beyond my ability to live like that. I need the break. The bread will survive.
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