Life in the Actual

I think one of the biggest struggles I've had since graduating college is that I no longer have the luxury of living with all the Potentials of Life before me. 

I LOVE potential.  I love preparing an amazing meal, studying for an exam, working towards any goal.  But arriving has always disappointed me.  Before I graduated college, there was always another task ahead, that I could easily place my hope in again.  Obviously, not a good way to live, but I hardly recognized this pattern until recent years.

Now I see how much I have made this my idol: perfection.  And it has never delivered.  This world can't!  (how do I keep my focus on Christ - the only True Perfection - while owning my life/choices?)  Yet I put all my hope in this ideal, hoping that this time, maybe it will meet all my unrealistic expectations, and it never does.  I know that I need to hold on to the ideal, while accepting the imperfections seen in others, myself, and this world, but facing this with character, reality, and grace has been much harder in this season of life than in any of the previous ones.

I suppose no longer having work/school/music/sports to outlet my bad habit, has made this more clear. Like, I have transfered it to my personal life: friends, kids, maturity, a clean house....And it has driven me nuts.  I am exhausted constantly from trying to reach goals that aren't even close to achievable (how can you arrive at anything in relationship? It's all process and growth and health - not checking off a list!).  But: yea for Christ helping me to see clearly!

I think I could fool myself before with good grades, trophies, wins, and being liked by everyone.... but now.... there really is no more pretending.  I am living in the 'Actual Real Life.'  There is no more "well, once this finishes, then I'll be satisfied...and if not, I'll just do something else even bigger next time" pretending.

I am sick of deluding myself.  I want to walk in Freedom.  Truth.  Peace.  Grace!  Yet, while I do this for a day, week, or month, eventually I kick in with "Life can't be this simple; hurry and get back on track!" and I pick up all the pieces again.  Which, ironically enough, leads me to all sorts of guilt and shame for having dropped them in the first place. Ah, what a ridiculous cycle.

What happened to "I don't play that game"? 

I am working on resting.  Ha.  But really.  I need calm moments which don't exist.  I want to do things because I want to, not because I feel the obligation of perfection and performance.  Can I live this way?  Can I work and pursue excellence without carrying the idol of 'performance will satisfy'?  Can I walk with Christ in a way that brings honor to Him, while resting in His complete and utter Love for me?

I want to find Peace in the here and now: not wish for how I met it 10 years ago.  Come, Jesus, and bring me out of this performance addiction!



Ah, for still moments with my Savior. :)


(ok, but, p.s. how do I still live with excellence?  How do I still pursue goals?  How do I not let my motivation be perfection?  How do I accept my personality as one who enjoys tasks and work and achieving tangible goals?  Why work so hard for something?  Why sacrifice?  How do I live and love well with this motive stripped? ?????)