Growing in Grace

Driving down Grand avenue the other week, I glanced in my rear-view mirror to see the man behind me looking very grumpy, exhausted, and stressed.  His head was slumped against his arm, and he looked like he was just aching to be anywhere except stuck in this traffic waiting-for-the-wreck-to-clear-so-we-can-go line.

He eventually got around me, and I noticed a couple Jesus-stickers and a church sticker on the back of his car.  As I said a quick prayer for him as he drove away, my thoughts turned to who this person really was, and what might be going on in his day to have him so tired and stressed (surprised?  I was, after all, stuck in traffic, so what else do I love to do? lol).

Would a person who doesn't know Jesus have judged him for having an off day, because his car professes his faith?
Does the secular world expect Christians to always be happy and put together?
Why is there such judgment when a Christian shows his humanity?
Why is there such ridicule when a Christian lets her struggles show?

I suppose that those not in the faith have a misguided idea of what it means to be a Christian.  Perhaps think that a Christian = a perfect person, with a happy-pappy life, who has all the answers, who is intolerant and arrogant in their living, for "They've found the key to making life always awesome" or something like that...Maybe that's why there's such mockery towards Christians who fall, or who show they are human, with the same limits as everyone else....

I'm glad I serve a God who is not limited by my limits.

Then, my thoughts turned towards Christians' reactions to those who show their struggles, and I started thinking about all the pressure that we put on ourselves to fill that "put-together-always" persona (at least here in Western culture). 

Here's the dance though: I know there is Truth, Freedom, Victory, Beauty, Rest, Grace, and just plain Glory to be found in Christ!!  I have experienced it, I have studied it, I have a great community that lives this out, and I know this all to be true.

However, I also know the times of exhaustion, frustration, despair, hopelessness, isolation, struggle, sin, anger, rage, worry, and all things Self are true too.  I have experienced it, I have studied it, and I have a community that lives this out.

To only focus on either one is false, misleading, unhelpful, and just plain unhealthy.

But, what to do?  How to correct the false thinking?

Then, while reading Ann Voskamp's blog, a light bulb popped for me.

::ding::
::ta-da:
::click::
[what does a light bulb say anyways???]

She said,
"Why in the world did I keep telling the boys to be more Christ-like as if He was a ladder to ascend, to progressively strive to be more sanctified — when being Christ-like is about being grace-filled, not about ladders but about laying down and reaching wide?"

That's the deal, peeps.
That's my issue. 
That's my wrong thinking.
This is the lie we have bought in to.
That's why we Western Christians struggle so much with this.

We are treating Christ as a ladder to ascend, instead of a Person to respond to in submission, joy, and thankfulness.

Once again: Relationship.

Oh, how we strive to keep fear, worry, failure, pain, mistakes, variables, mess, and just plain struggles covered up!  Yet this is why Christ has come (Christmas, peeps - it's not just about some red-suited jolly man, full of stressed-out-over-committed days, and a shop-til-ya-drop month)!  He made Himself low, that we may be brought up into His presence to receive Grace.

Grace.

God's unmerited favor.

For me.  For you.  For every normal, empty, struggling, human.  We too can be grace-filled and redeemed!  Oh, what Jesus has done for us!  This message - that we are all equal at the foot of the cross, and that once we surrender to Jesus, we are made new - does not mean we cease being human.  No, it means we are truly free to BE human!  This is not a check-list, or a crash diet, but an entirely new way of living.  Long-term.  Permanent.  A new direction.

That IN my mess, He is there.
That IN SPITE OF of my sin, He still draws close.
That in my EXHAUSTION and STRUGGLE, He comforts and protects me, and makes up my lack.
That in my SUFFERING, He helps me to still worship Him, to give thanks, and to have perspective.

The struggles in life do not go away.  No....They are just able to be interacted with in an entirely new way, for we have an entirely new King. 

Oh sweet Joy!

So, my friend, when you see Christians struggle, don't think that they are failing at some magic-fix-all, but know that it is BECAUSE of their very-real struggle (just like you) that they know they must cling to Jesus, giving thanks for His great love, and are always able to rest in His wonderful grace.

Jesus isn't some ladder to succeed at, by *poofing* life into this struggle-free bubble, but rather, He is the very Rest for our souls we all crave. 

I mean, who wants another thing to do?  Another goal to achieve?  Glory to Jesus for achieving all that needs to be done! 

My life is lived in thanks to Him.

Finally, to those of my friends that are also my brothers and sisters in the Lord, let's try to take this month down a notch, eh? 

Let's remember the Person of Jesus,
the Person near us in our homes,
and the Person who is not yet our friend. 

Let's be real about our struggles, real about His grace, and real about community.  Freedom, Rest, Hope, Joy, Peace.... they are the reason for the season, and they are found in Jesus alone.

All glory to Him!

Can't Lose If You Don't Play

I wonder how much energy is spent trying to win at Games we don't even intend to play?

How often do we stop to think about the how's and why's of our actions and motivations? Whether the relational or practical aspects of life (parenting, marriage, singleness, work, hobbies, rest, spirituality, etc), we all play The Games.

da-da-daaaaaaaa ::ominous music::

The Games.

OK, ok, what do I mean?

I mean something deeper than just expectations of a job well done, or working on healthy relationships - I'm talking about that SHOULD/MUST/OUGHT that keeps us from peace and rest.  This is the realm of Identity, Self-worth, Truth, Jealousy, Insecurity, Trust, and Hope.  Deep layers, people, and full of blind spots. 

Why is it so hard to say to others (and to ourselves):

• I have limits, you have limits
• We can't all be awesome at everything
• I don't expect me or you to be perfect

Look, when fashion or photography or landscaping or teaching or writing or blogging or Instagram or WHATEVER is your profession (or hobby), then it makes sense that the nuances of that field are a part of your vocabulary, motives, actions, spending, and desires, right?  But, we all walk different paths, and have different abilities, so why try to mold us all into one lump (I'm not talking Relativism here, guys, just the Uniqueness of the Individual)?

I mean, what happens when (especially in our global culture) we have access to the nuances of thousands of fields/ways of living?  We are taught that we can be excellent at ALL of them, "tolerate" all of them, understand all of them, etc. if we will but apply ourselves, believe, and work hard (enter: a Game).

Or, we buy into the lie that we deserve to be awesome at all of it, so we run Run RUN, always striving, so as to not be seen as foolish (at the Game).

Or, we just agree with the comments of "less-than-perfect"/'failure" that we receive, and keep moving (in all the Games we juggle).

But, of course, we have the same 24 hour limit as everyone else, and we do end up making choices about what to do, and what to leave undone.  ::shocker::

But, that's just normal life, right?

Right?

Yeah, not so much anymore.

There seems to be a growing ridicule at the people who aren't up to speed on every element of our culture.  Regardless of whether or not this shows up out of insecurities or stress, it's still a very loud voice in many of our ears.

[Philosophy sidetrack: we're not giving room for the Infinite within the Other.  We're Totalizing the Other, as well as our own selves! ~Levinas]

I especially see this in teen culture (yea for Herd mentality), but it's all around the generations these days (yea for a highly marketed culture....although, just turning the TV off will have more of an impact than you know...just a tangential thought...freebie!).


But, here is my point:
*finally, Carlene!*

That ridicule we have all received at one time or another for being less than perfect at _______ doesn't have to create a negative response that pushes us even farther into The [endless] Games around us.

Why?

I'm glad you asked.  I'll tell you.  Because:

• I'm choosing which Games to play.  
• Which plays to study.  
• Which Games to bench myself and not to even engage.

There's no way I can totally remove myself from The Games, as we are in a specific culture, year, and location, with specific skills, abilities, resources, and limits, but I CAN choose what to play, and what to ignore.

Try it: "I don't play that Game, so my fashion/TV show knowledge/pull-ups/degrees aren't at your level.  But, I am playing the Game of Christian/Wife/Mommy/Friend/House Manager/Healthy Woman, and here's how I do well at those Games..."

And, let's not rain on each others' parades, eh?  If I'm choosing to throw a freaking awesome birthday party for my five year old, and I love doing parties, and I have saved up $1,000 for it, then why get judged?  If, however, I want to throw down a freaking awesome $5 Little Ceaser's pizza, and play board games, then why get judged?

Rhythms, people.  Rhythms.  We all have them.  And, guess what?  They're unique.  ::gasp::

For me, I am intentionally talking  positively to myself when I get stressed at how I'm not succeeding (mostly as a professional) at piano, volleyball, education, kickboxing, masters degrees, extra-clean everything, perfectly organized everything, decorating, clothing, parenting, marriage, friendships, etc (good thing I'm not some crazy over-analyzer, eh?). I take a good look at what I AM doing well (as well as what I could improve upon), what voices to listen to (Hubby, yes), and what voices to tune out (Commercials, no).

Basically, when I begin to see how well others are doing in areas that I think I should do well in, I walk it out:

• Do I have the desire? time? energy? talent? to pursue _____?
• If not (at least in this current season - even if in past seasons it was realistic), are there ways I can still incorporate _____ into my day, in a way that is refreshing to myself, if I want to?
• Enjoy playing the piano occasionally, when I want to...
• Goof around with the volleyball at the park with the boys...
• Enjoy a good walk, even if I'm not burning 1,000 calories...
• Read a challenging book and at some point in the year (lol not joking), have a convo about it...
• Organize and Clean, knowing it will all be undone in 5 minutes...
• When The Games start speaking loudly (in conversations, or just in my head) that I'm not doing as well as I could be doing, I gently remind them/myself that I am intentionally choosing to do well in other things right now....Because, say it with me, "I Have Limits and So Do You."

So, this week, enjoy the idea that just because you CAN do/know something, doesn't mean you HAVE to make it happen.  Make a choice to live well in the areas you can, and let the rest go.

After all, you can't lose if you don't play.

I don't play that game.

Thoughts for this week:

• Do I know my limits?
• For me, which Games are non-negotiable, which ones are optional, and which ones do I need to avoid?
• What are the specific Games I'm playing that I need to bench myself on this week?  
• Which Games do I want to keep doing well in, and how will that look for me? 
• What are areas that would be good to re-focus on, and what should I begin ignoring?
• What are my goals - relationally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically?  Are they SUSTAINABLE for me? 

You're Welcome.

We grow up learning to say, "please & thank you," but all too often we miss out on the final element to these polite phrases: "you are welcome."  It's funny how these three little words convey so many things:

Acknowledgement of a deed done.
Kind response to gratitude.
Humility.
Respect.
Love.

 
When the Giver offers up a minimalist response ("No problem/No big deal/It was nothing") to the gratitude, the Receiver is put in the position of trying to convince the Giver that it WAS a problem/big deal/something, and this leads to the Receiver wondering how many thanks is enough, etc.  The back and forth that then ensues may be no big deal to most of us - just polite society, or the way things are, perhaps - but I've been seeing the deeper levels behind this all-too-often exchange (especially in the Church world), and have a few thoughts I'd like to share.

1. For the RECEIVER: When I am in need, and someone offers up time/money/help/etc. to meet that need, I am blessed.  This should trigger a response of gratitude in me.  When I say, "thank you for ______" but receive a response that minimizes their action/gift, it, in turn, minimizes my original need.  I know how much their gift/action touched my heart, and for the response to be "no big deal," well, it WAS a big deal to me... wasn't it?  I MEAN it when I say, "thank you," and it is not something I say just because I'm obligated.

(Which, as an aside, this "polite" motivation is a whole other issue to me, because why are we offering up thanks - or help - if we don't really mean it?  Integrity, people!  Why do we have no problem with lying when it's "polite," and what we're "supposed to say," but recognize it as sin when it's for our gain?  I am all for manners, you guys, but this takes it away from Respect and Kindness - the reasons for being polite - and into the realm of legalistic and obligatory perfectionism.)

2.  For the GIVER: When I put forth effort for someone, but then I put myself in the position of minimizing my effort, I am constantly convincing myself that the money/time/energy/gift really is no big deal, and my limits aren't anything I need to take into account.  Yet, a gift always costs me something.  When I don't acknowledge that cost, I can quickly jump onto the burn-out road where I have no idea what my limits are, because I never acknowledge them to anyone (even to myself).  This is actually a form of pride (false humility), as it sets the Giver up as limitless and superhuman.


Now, I know there are people who want nothing more than to be praised for their effort, and seen for all their sacrifices, but for the other side of the spectrum - those who are always trying to be seen as limitless in their giving (even to the recipient) - I hope this can be a word of caution to help us all swing more towards the middle ground.


Yes, there are times to be anonymous, and even to downplay the cost, but I don't believe this should be the main way we operate.  It's ok to have limits.  It's ok to let the work of our hands be seen, acknowledged, and offered up as praise to Jesus, who made all gifts possible in the first place.

No, we shouldn't only do something to get a "thank you" and some attention from people, but when it is given/noticed, let's offer up a hearty "you are welcome!" and let the gratitude cycle be completed by the acknowledgement of the service done, knowing that both parties are then seen and encouraged....which easily leads into worship, as both recognize that it is Jesus Who makes all things possible.


Pay attention to what your default response is when someone tells you "thank you" this week, and then ask yourself some questions: 

• Why is it so hard for some of us to receive thanks?
• Is it easy to say "you're welcome," or does that feel too proud to me?
• Do I have a clear idea on my limits?
• If it goes back and forth from "Thanks" to "No big deal" to "No, really, thank you" etc etc, does that make the focus more on myself (fishing for compliments, whether that's the intent or not)?
• Did Jesus say that what He gave us on the cross was no big deal, or does He agree that it was the biggest sacrifice One could make, and that is why He is worthy of our lives, love, gratitude, praise, etc?  When I tell Him "thank you" do I have to keep going on and on to convince Him that I really, really, really mean it?  Then why should we act like that with each other?
• Which side do I lean more towards: desiring attention and praise, or being seen as limitless?  
• If I am on the side of really wanting the praise of people, and therefore only give gifts that will be clearly seen, can I spend time in repentance, and ask the Lord to help me say, "you're welcome," and then move on to giving God the glory?  Ask Jesus to help my motivation be to please Him, Who sees all things, even if the recipient isn't aware of the cost.
• If I am on the side of minimizing my gift, even though my intent is not to be seen as limitless, does it make sense that that is what I communicate by saying that the cost was nothing (which is really lying)?  If this is a struggle for me, can I spend some time in repentance for my perfectionism, and ask the Lord to help me humbly receive gratitude this week for the work of my hands that is offered up to others?

Don't forget to look up.

In His Grip,
Carlene

Tools, Places, and the Ocean.

It's funny, because I actually have time, energy, and ability to blog this morning, yet I don't really have anything to say.  Ah, so ironic, jah?

I don't want to pass up this chance though, so I figured I'd at least share a couple thoughts rambling around in my head these days.

1. A project/focus is made or broken by the tools you have.  This is true for building sheds, watering gardens, raising kids, learning to problem-solve, having healthy relationships, or just general life.  I know it's rather obvious, but this has been an increasing awareness in myself the last few weeks when I am working/doing/resting/listening with a good tool (literal or figurative), or a poor one.  The point: it's worth the time to keep your tools sharp, ready, and prepared.  This is not selfish or lazy, but good stewardship.

What are some of your "go-to" tools (electric drill, good soap, patient heart, rested body, strong mind, humble spirit, accountability, good saucepan, etc!)?

2.  I've been reading an awesome book called A Place For You by Paul Tournier, and it has been bringing clarity to what I always referred to as a "center."  Tournier calls this the Place, and all people need them.

Think of the people and places you have encountered, that have left you with a deeper sense of Life/Beauty/Purpose/Focus/Calling.  A person is not a Person, without a Place.  And as we are able to take the time and energy to create a welcoming and alive Place, we are able to invite others into it, and help them to become more fully a Person.

Talk to me about this sometime, cuz I have a ton of thoughts on the implications of such teaching, and I'm excited to share them with y'all!  Hospitality, our faith, the broken/wounded, rest, purpose, ministry, etc. are all impacted by this Truth.  I'm loving how Tournier unpacks this - def. worth the read!

3. I love the beach. That is all :)

Ocean moments with the men I love most.

It's Just Life.

I've started this post so many times.  I have drafts galore.  I simply don't know how to express this new sense of freedom that has been slowly seeping into my existence. I'm experiencing so many things:

Rest.

Peace.

Hope.

Contentment.

Growth.

Life.

Things that I've said for years ("I'm trusting God with that") have taken on a new and deeper meaning to me. I'm believing Him more.  I'm trusting Him more.  I'm seeing Him more.  I'm surrendering control to Him more.

Slow down time: The boys enjoying a snack out back.  And, yes, they HAD to sit that close to each other.  :)

Service, NO MATTER WHERE IT IS, if I'm doing it for Jesus, it counts.

Work, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, if I'm doing it with integrity, with effort, with a smile, it counts.

Relationships, NO MATTER THEIR LOCATION, if I'm interacting with authenticity, vulnerability, trust, humility, and grace, they count.

Rest, NO MATTER HOW I'M TAKING IT, if I'm releasing control and trusting God with my work, counts. 

I'm seeing this truth more and more: Context Doesn't Matter.

Ok, I get it, it's hard to just say some blanket statement like that, without a thousand variables coming to mind (at least, to my mind, they do lol), but whenever I unpack a variable, I come to the same conclusion:

It's about the heart.

And this, my friends, is what frees me up to serve/connect/grow/sacrifice in a kitchen, in a stadium, online, in person, with family, alone, in singleness, in marriage, with kids, without kids, known, unseen, as a missionary oversees, or as a missionally-minded person in the States.  This frees me from needing to be some big, famous, high-powered, wealthy, world-changer.  After all, the path to changing the world is through the patient, calm, one-on-one relationships lived out in every context.  Slowly.  Calmly.  Truly.  Lovely.  Beautifully.  We are free to be human, loved by a GREAT GOD, wherever we are.  

After all, my friends, it's just Life.

Find something to smile at today: like trying to eat frozen granola bars.  It's a hoot!

The Undone: More Feared than the Undead.

(Read the title and this list like a pirate.  Out loud. Seriously!!!)  

Dust on the baseboards.

A book sitting on the nightstand, 1st chapter done, 7 weeks later.

Piles in the office to be filed.

Piles on the desk to be sorted.

Toys to be gone through (give away, sell, keep...)

Dishes, Laundry, Bills, Errands, Cooking,

AAHHHHHH!!!!!!  It's the zombie apocalypse!!!!  Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....

Oh.  It's just Life?

Right.

Alrighty then, buck up, girl, here ya go.

Why, oh why, does the Undone steal my joy?  Why does the constant motion of life turn into such a stressful montage?  When is the healthy living of productive, efficient, excellent actions, suddenly the fearful Undone?  What I know is that, for me, when I focus solely upon "Rest happens once work is done" I drive myself crazy....in this season, at least, when my limits seem much louder. 

I think being a hard worker is a wonderful skill, by the way, but as I ponder how much I translate those skills into this sphere of life (motherhood; homemaking; creating a place of rest; etc), I think I've taken a good truth, and perverted it.  Made it about control.

Life is never. ever. evereverevereverever done.  Like, ever. 

And that's ok.  Seriously!! There will always be work tomorrow (how boring if not!), and as I do what I can today, that's enough.  I can rest, and trust God to make up the difference, if it really couldn't wait until tomorrow (or provide energy to me, if truly needed).  Sabbath day, and daily moments of rest, are found by connecting with God, others, and self.  I am free to be a human, with limits, and to get to certain things tomorrow, if today's energy is all used up.

God grants me what I need, for what He has for me, today.  This moment.  This step.  I can trust that He's guiding, even when it's all I can do to come up for air.  I can trust Him to form my values, when I'm busy living out the ones already formed. 

I can live in a space with imperfections, for I am imperfect. 
I can rest in a place that's in-process, for I am in-process. 
I can accept that only so much can get done in a day, for only God is omnipotent.

So: not the End of the World.  Though, on the days when it feels like it, it's a good reminder to push that fear away, do the work in front of me, and then rest.  Connect.  Think.  Zone out.  Pray.  Be still.

Light a candle, hold a cup of tea, read the Word, and maybe even take a bath.   Or just go to sleep.  Or, try to find a bit of a smile in all the child-interruptions which limit said rest, and trust that Jesus will make up the difference in the end. 

Jesus is faithful to complete what He starts.  Amen!!!!!

Normal Life.

Some tumbling thoughts this morning...I'm remembering the words of my Aunt Flo, at my brother's wedding a couple years ago, this morning:

"You can't wait for someone to take care of you."

It's funny, cuz at that time, I told her I didn't believe that, and it just didn't make much sense to me.  After all, isn't that what husbands, and friends, and community, and God, all do?  But, as I simmered on that thought for a while, I realized how much I really do wait for someone else to take responsibility for my health.  To read my needs.  To meet them without my asking for help.  To absolve me of  the guilt for my lack of self-care.  I prefer to sit in the control of "I'm living sacrificially" instead of owning my life (which, I can only sacrifice what I own anyways, right?)

For me, this has opened up an entirely new way of doing life....marriage...parenting...friendships.

• I now work really hard to express my needs (which means I HAVE to have some still time each day, so I can get with Jesus, and my thoughts, and figure out what it is I even do need).  
• I try really hard to be careful with my words - I no longer just respond with a polite "I'm fine" or "No, I don't need help" or "It's no problem" when I'm not fine, I do need help, and it is a problem.
• I no longer wait for Kris to notice my need for connection, intimacy, friendship, alone time, worship, girl time, ETC!, and then to offer to help meet that need in some way.  Yes, I still LOVE it when he does notice, but, most often, I try to kindly let him know where I'm at, and what he could do to offer support.  I love it when he also shares the same needs for his heart.  We can't read minds, right? :)  We can't meet every relational need for each other, right?
• I'm better at saying "No" to social and church and family events.  If the boys are having a super rough week, and we just need an evening home, then I'm not going to wait for my friend to notice that, and retract her offer of hang out time; how could she even know?  

 Anyways, perhaps this is simple Normal Life to most people, but being raised to be polite ALWAYS, it is just engraved upon my heart that my needs are always secondary - if ever even given weight - yet, how can we lay down a self, if we don't have a self?  I need to have a life, to sacrifice it.  I need to be an individual, in order to submit to Jesus.

In other words, I am a valuable person too, and it's ok to ask for the space I need to be a healthy person.  THEN, when a situation arises that requires sacrifice, I have a Routine/Normal/Self that I can lay down.

Just yesterday, Alex made a joke about calling himself dumb, and we had a good conversation about how negative self-talk isn't ok, because, after all, you are also a person (made it God's image, whom He dearly loves!).  It's not just OTHER people who get to have respect, and rest, and boundaries, and encouragement, and love.  It's you too!!! 

So, all this to say, I am being convicted about the level of guilt I carry around, because I have needs.  Because I am human.  Because I have limits. Because I have more resources than '3rd world woman A, B, and C,' and I shouldn't even talk about my daily exhaustion's.  It's kinda ridiculous, true, but tis my Default most days.  I'm thankful Jesus patiently points out these things, so that I can have more Freedom, Peace, and Contentment with Him.

He is so Good.