Unexplainable.

Found this poem of mine from April 2015, and it's still a good reflection to me of my frequent "perfectionism/depression/lack of health/constant striving" struggles. 

Most things take a long time to work out, right?  Add to that Life's changes, sin's struggles, chaotic seasons, and normal rhythms, and sometimes it's all we can do

to hang on... 

to take the next step...

to breathe...

Yes, there is always a Beautiful gift to find around us, but in the times when it. just. can't. be. seen. I take comfort in the Realities that God is Good, Gracious, Glorious, and Great.  Always. 

Because I am not in control,

I am free to be a mess, 

I am free to be limited,

I am free to doubt,

I am free to struggle,

I am free to rest.

Psalm 103:13, 14, 17 "The LORD is like a Father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him.  For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust...But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear Him." 

Unexplainable

How do you describe, in a place so fair,

   The depth of darkness found in Depression's lair?

"I'm tired too," "I've been sad," "Just press through."

   But it feels so...out of reach, what worked for you!

Right now, the sun shines, a cool breeze stirs, and my thoughts flow clear.

   But in 30 minutes?  Tomorrow?  The slow and sudden drop could be near.

Slow, for every thought follows its own...

   Sudden, for I turn around, and am all alone.

"No one sees.  No one knows.  No one understands."

   Self-pity's lies smother out the feel of land.

I can drown in the Maybe's, the Should's, and the Might's,

   And no amount of "Jesus" will set my heart right.

---

How to describe, to one who's never been,

   The depth of helplessness in Depression's den?

"It's just hormones," "A tough season," "Poor diet," they say.

    But my thoughts cycle CHAOS, sucking all energy away.

What a gift: motivation, clear thoughts, emotional strength!

   I use what I have, where I'm at, for whatever the length.

Sometimes it's short - only a few minutes a week.

   Other times long - whole days on the "Normal Peak."

"Just try harder.  Do more.  It's your fault you're so weak!"

   Perfectionism's perversion of Truth makes me unable to speak.

I strive, & I listen, & I learn, all I can!

   But it is never enough to keep away this sinking sand.

 ---

How to describe, to my own forgetful heart,

   How deep is the pain?  How deep is the dark?

"It wasn't that bad," "There was no Good at all," "Your strength got ya through."

   But each of those twists what was actually True.

Truth is, Jesus was Present, holding my hand, letting me rage and cry.

   But the utter exhaustion, the bond-deep despair, the never-answered "Why?!"...

Those were my Reality - no sleep, sick body, uncertain times.

   Those were my Perspective - self-focused, immature, a constant whine.

"Little One, I love you.  I AM here.  You are free to share your heart."

   The whispers of Jesus still carry me through the dark.

I lean in, I surrender, I hold out my hand.

   I say, "Thank You for right NOW," for He is the great I AM.