In Your Way: Joyful Surrender

I found this post I meant to share back in January, and, hey, it's almost August, so why not?!  #RealLife.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

If y'all have a few minutes, I'd like to share some of my perusing thoughts and struggles over the last 2 years. The struggle of feeling like we gave up too soon in Honduras, and therefore failed. The opposite struggle of feeling like we continued on longer than we should have on the mission field, and our family paid too high a price.

But, I am learning there are times when Giving Up is not Failing.  

And, likewise, there are times when Continuing On is not Winning.  

It all depends on what it is you’re holding, right?  Just because it is a Good thing, doesn't mean it's not an idol...the Ultimate in my life.  It’s almost a cruel irony how the Good things in our lives so easily become idols (family, work ethic, integrity, service, etc).  Tim Keller (Counterfeit Gods) wisely talks about how only God can be our Ultimate, and if we make anything else our End All/Be All, we will not only be sorely disappointed, but find ourselves in desperate situations when it is taken away.

Now, not every desperate situation is the result of my idol, or sin, but as we all live in a fallen world, we always interact with Brokenness: Redemption in process. 

Beauty in the mess.

What’s crazy is how often we don’t even realize we’ve made an idol, and, goodness, sometimes it takes some very difficult situations for our eyes to be opened.  This is a humbling time for anyone....One that requires repentance, confession, community, and a receptive heart.  

Jesus' words, "Do you want to be well?" (John 5:6) are often spoken to my own heart.  Many times I would rather stay in my pain, for at least it is familiar.  

At least I have the illusion of control.  
At least I know what to expect.  
("At least" phrases are red flags, y'all.  And I say them to myself all. the. time.  More on that in another post for another day.)

But: Healing.  Freedom.  When I desire these enough, my answer is a resounding, "Yes, Jesus!  Heal me!"  And He is so faithful to finish what He starts (Phil. 1:6).

Now, what about when it’s not my sin that leads to the storms around me?

Seriously, that’s such a difficult sentence to write. After all, are we not all in process? Are we not all in a place of need? Do we not all walk with some sort of sin on our shoulders?

Then there’s the opposite side: what about when my obedience leads me to the storm, and to the desperate struggles that take my very breath away?

I think we hear often enough that just because things are difficult, doesn't mean we aren't where we're supposed to be, but, how often are we encouraged to find our stillness in His presence, in the midst of the storm?  
Do we understand that His peace, grace, strength, and hope are ours to hold?  
That we can Be Well with Him, regardless of our circumstances?  
That our obedience may lead to deep pain, struggle, and suffering, and He is working all things to our good and His glory?

These are hard things to hold when one is drowning, I know.

Did you know that Jesus told His disciples to get into the boat, that led to a Storm so terrible, they thought they were going to die (Matthew 14:22-32)? A Storm so terrifying that it convinced even the many experienced fishermen on that boat, after rowing for hours and hours, death was near?

Honestly, I am coming out of such a storm. 

One where, though my every effort fought and strained and tried and studied and listened and WORKED, it didn’t end the storm.  I couldn’t find the shore.  There was no safe harbor to be found.  My striving did not save me.

But then….

Jesus.

My, that is a beautiful “but.”  There are many versus in the Bible (see this blog post for a huge list) which tell of God interjecting into an often terrible situation with the incredible phrase, “But God…”  Always worth a pause there.  

Breathe in that incredible reality: But, GOD!

Do you ever have times when Jesus shows up in such an unexpected way that you not only don’t believe it’s Him, but think He’s something ELSE out to hurt you?

Goodness, I have.

When we go back to the story in Matthew 14, the disciples are desperate, hours and hours have passed, hope is gone, and then they see Jesus WALKING ON THE WATER towards their boat.  In the middle of the storm.

Um, Hi.  Can we pause here a second?

Yeah, so, we hear that story enough to not really blink an eye at the audacity and absolute ludicrousness of a person WALKING ON WATER.  Plus, ya add in our incredibly imaginative stories in our culture, it’s easy to place this story in the fantastical box and move on with the story. 

But, sit in it for a minute.: The disciples are drowning.  They are at the end of their resources.  They probably don't even have a second to think back on the fact that they are in this storm because they obeyed Jesus and got into the boat without Him.  This storm arises.  They row and row and row for hours.  Then they see what they can only assume is a ghost walking toward them!  They responded with TERROR at seeing Jesus.   

But He tells them (did He shout to be heard over the wind and waves?), “Fear not; it is I.”  

It’s incredible what we fear. I don’t just mean the typical spiders or snakes, but our fears of failure, disappointment, being wrong, wasting, losing, being rejected, being seen, abandoned, and on and on we go. They are terrible hamster wheels to cycle through endlessly.

Have you ever been truly terrified? Convinced you were about to die? Your body has this insane response of fight or flight, your heart is racing, sweat is pouring, your mind is utterly focused on the thing about to hurt you, you despair of finding a way out, you foresee pain…. Yes, terror is not usually a place for clarity, calm, or courage. 

Yet, the words Jesus spoke, offering up Faith, instead of Fear, brought Peter to a place where he boldly (and rashly, gotta love Peter!), asked an insane question of Jesus: “If it’s You, Lord, let me join You on the water.”   

He heard Jesus and believed.

Did Peter realize that if it WASN’T Jesus, and their fears and exhaustions proved correct, he would drown in mere moments? What were the other disciples thinking as Peter voiced those words? Could they even process what was going on? Did they try to stop Peter, or were they too, comforted by Jesus’ words to “Fear not; it is I.” 

(Did you catch that?  JESUS’ PRESENCE in our lives is the reason we do not Fear.  Not because the circumstances have changed, or our pain and exhaustion has gone away, but because Jesus is with us.)

Yet, before anyone could do anything, Peter was OUT OF THE BOAT. 
In the middle of the sea.  
In a storm.
Maybe heading towards a ghost!

Ok, pause again.  Have you ever thought to yourself, “Huh, here is this terrifying moment in my life, and I think certain death is imminent, and I’m actually going to take myself away from the one little shred of protection I have and abandon it.”? 

Tis not a normal reaction for most of us, I would say.  But Peter did it!  He got out of the boat.  DURING a storm.  While he was exhausted.  When he was terrified.  

Why?

All because Peter knew Jesus, and was known by Him.  He had faith that Jesus would not let him down!  At another point in Peter's journey with Jesus, he tells Him, "Lord, where else would we go?  It is you alone who has the words of eternal life."  (John 6:68) Peter was confident in Whom his faith was placed.  

Rightly so.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have heard plenty of messages, and seen plenty of memes, about the moment when Peter steps out of the boat.  “How bold and confident and fearless Peter was to get out of the boat.  How we need to model after him if we are to have incredible experiences of faith.  How Peter was the one to ask the impossible and then experience a miracle.”

Peter walking boldly on calm waters...yeah.

Are those things good lessons for us?  I suppose.

But, when you are in the MIDST of a storm, it’s really hard to receive those platitudes as anything other than another way you’re failing, or another disappointment about to show up, or one more way Fear is going to increase, or just more things to do.

Have you been there? 

That place where it is all you can do to draw another breath, and the work keeps coming, and the pain keeps coming, and the prayers seem pointless, and nothing changes, and no one understands, and even those near you in your pain can’t help you, and WHO CAN SAVE ME?!

Yet, Peter does take an action.  Perhaps it was one last hope.  Perhaps it was desperation.  I know how powerful those times are, when Hope is gone and the end seems near…

But what happens?  
Peter WALKS ON WATER.  
In the middle of the sea.  
In a storm.

He has his eyes on Jesus, and he’s doing the impossible, even for a few moments.  But then he sinks.  He takes his eyes off of Jesus, and beings to drown.  And that's where Jesus immediately is there to rescue him.  Incredible.

Jesus IMMEDIATELY is there to rescue Peter. This is my God!  

Yet, what about the times when I am crying out to Jesus, in as much faith as I can, with as much action as I can, and I AM STILL DROWNING? I’m not walking on water. I’m trying and trying and trying to keep my eyes on Him, so I can experience the incredible: REST, PEACE, HOPE for even one moment….and, nothing.

What is the guarantee out of this story?  Is there one? 

And, this, my friends, is an important point:  Peter trusted Jesus to keep him alive in whatever way JESUS chose; not Peter. 

Peter, I’m sure, hoped that it would be walking on water alongside, Jesus, but Peter didn’t specify a list of requirements before asking and acting.  He wanted to receive the comfort Jesus offers, of Fear being banished, but was it REALLY Jesus?  How could he know? 

He trusted Jesus to lead, to connect, to guide, and to save him in HIS way.

I think we often walk in despair, because we are too busy looking for Jesus to meet OUR requirements of salvation.  “It needs to look this way, Lord, and then I’ll trust You.”  But Peter trusted Jesus and THEN acted.  He saw results AFTER he made the choice to trust! And, even when Peter does begin to drown, Jesus is immediately there to save him.  Wow.  

And, like the silly little story about God sending a boat, a helicopter, and a plane to rescue a man trapped in a flood, but who refuses all their help because he’s “waiting for God to save him,” and is then rebuked by God at the Pearly Gates for not receiving the help He did send, we also can too easily reject the Rest offered to us, simply because it’s not how we thought it would look.

Can I trust that God WILL bring me through the Storm?  
That I WILL see results of Goodness and Blessing as poured out by my loving, Good Father?  
Can I trust that it may be COMPLETELY different than what I planned? 

Do I see that God is big enough to “tell me to get on the boat here, knowing that the winds of life will blow me to the very place He has for me”?  In John 6:16-21 this same story explains that once Jesus stepped onto the boat, they were immediately at their destination.  There are those beautiful moments when Jesus takes me right away to where He wants me to be. 

Will I surrender to whatever Jesus’ plan is for me? 
Will I trust that His way will be Good, because He will be with me? 
Will I surrender? 

It is amazing to me how difficult it is to utter the prayer, “In Your Way, Lord.” He has proven Himself to be Good, Faithful, True, and so much more, over and over, yet I still rebel against it!

Yet isn’t that the very prayer Jesus Himself prayed, and taught us to pray?  Matthew 6:9-13 says, “Our Father who is in Heaven, blessed be Your name.  Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.  Give us today our daily bread, and forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.  Lead us not in to temptation, but deliver us from evil.  Amen.” 

When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He ended His time of prayerful struggle, with “Not My will, but Yours be done.”  Jesus learned obedience through suffering (Ted Dekker's books AD30 and AD33 both weave this truth in a beautiful way).  Jesus chose to surrender, and God exalted Him! 

Your will be done…

Give us Today….

Daily bread….

Forgive me…

Deliver us…

Yours is the true Reality of all things!  Yours, Jesus!  I am God’s precious daughter, yet that does not mean I get this happy-pappy, pain-free, no struggle existence.  

Oh, we can talk all about caterpillars in cocoons, and sports/music/health/school metaphors with the value of repetition and hard work and not giving up….But, in the midst of freezing to death, I can look at the Beautiful Stars all I want, yet not receive any warmth from their light. In the midst of drowning, I can look at land in the distance all I want, yet still not find my footing.

So, what’s the point?  
Is everything meaningless and void of purpose?  
Should we just pursue whatever pleasure, no matter how fleeting, no matter the consequences, no matter how selfish it might be, because help will never come?

No.  

There is hope.  Go back to Jesus’ words, “Do not be afraid, it is I.”  What else did Jesus tell His disciples at their last time together?  “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.”  NEVER. 

Never means never.

Ever ever.

Never, ever, ever will Jesus leave me.

So, if He’s right here in the midst of my storm, why doesn’t He make it stop?!  
Why can’t I walk on water to get out of it?  
Why can’t there be rest NOW in my utter desperation?  
Why won’t He hear my weak shouts for help? 

He hears.
He sees.
You are not forgotten.  
I am not forgotten.  
We are not alone.

Oh, but it feels that way sometimes, right?

Yes, the smothering of depression. 
The hopelessness of despair.  
The yearning for connection.  
The pain of misunderstanding. 
The longing for release.  
The lack of change.

Where does Jesus come in to our messy, chaotic, painful, realities?  
How does Jesus enter in?  
Why can’t I see Him?  
Why doesn’t it change my pain?!  

There’s a similar story of Jesus joining the disciples on the boat, when another storm arose, yet Jesus was sleeping through it.  The disciples rowed as long as they could, and when they were certain death was imminent, they woke Jesus up with the bitter words, “Don’t you even care about us?!  We’re about to drown!”  Jesus rebukes their small faith, and merely says to the storm, “Be still” (Matthew 8:26, Mark 4:39).  And it is.

Those are beautiful moments, when, even in the midst of a storm, I can rest with Jesus, even hearing His rebuke for my little faith, and seeing Him calm the waters to utter stillness.  Incredible.

What are our storms?  Small or large, they can be anything.  For me, my questions and memories can create a whirlpool of chaos in my mind and heart...

As a teenager, I wanted so much to be seen, heard, understood.  My peers found me intimidating.  I didn’t change, though I did grow, but only after 6 years of deep confusion and pain at my loneliness.  Was this pain in vain?  Did I not learn quickly enough?  Should I have changed?  Was the pain worth the growth?  Was there another way?

My firstborn son took 42 hours to enter the world….Including two hours and 15 minutes of pushing.  Natural labor the whole way (huzzah for that now, terrible for me then).  Why did he take so long to enter the world?  Why did I have to go through that pain?  Was it pointless?  Could it have been changed?  Did my thyroid tank because of the physical trauma my body endured?

I spent the first five years of motherhood to my two incredible sons in a terrible depression and sickness.  Round and round I went to doctors, but it took years to understand that I had an auto-immune disease that required many food changes, plus medications.  Did I needlessly miss out on the joy of my boys’ early years?  Could it have ended sooner?  Was it my fault?

My family felt called by God to serve in Honduras as volunteer teachers.  We lived there for 16 months, yet our family and marriage struggled immensely.  We grew.  We tanked.  We broke.  We are healing.  Did we ignore advice?  Not plan well enough?  Left too early?  Did the pain of a broken marriage justify whatever “good” may have been done?  Was any good done?  Did we miss the boat?  Did we get on the wrong boat?

If there’s a storm, we must be in the wrong place.  Right?  Nope.  

This is the paradox of our Faith: though the oceans roar, and mountains melt into the sea, and nations rage, God is in control and He makes my heart be still (Psalm 46)!  

How can both be true?  How can a storm rage AND we have calm?  

Our God is with us! God sees me. He will never leave. Yes, we all have stories of disappointments and pain and sorrow and sudden loss and confusing betrayals and exhaustion. Where is Jesus in all of that?

Right next to me.
Holding me.
Carrying me.

Sustaining me.

The deeper my pain, the less clearly I can see. But in my storms past, I was still breathing. Somehow the strength was there to do what I needed to do, that day…that hour…that moment.  God will continue to provide for what HE has for me to do and to become right now.

As this storm is subsiding for our family, we are on a different shore than we intended.  We thought we’d be in Honduras longer.  Our hearts are there.  Our skill set is there.  Our support system exists.  The ground work is done.

Yet, here we are in the States.  Needing to rebuild that which we let go of/sold/gave away, not 2 years ago!  The same actions and questions we had in our young 20s, we now have again: “Job?  Location?  Housing?  Schools?  Community? Cars?”  

This hits my horror at having to re-do work, and makes me feel like I have wasted two years.  This hits my performance and perfectionism sins, making me strive for control where I have none.

Was our time in Honduras for naught?  Was it pointless?  Could we have changed it?  Did we contribute to it?  Can we get out of it now?  Can I have certainty and security again?  

Yet…what was I basing my security and certainty on anyway?  My plan?  My strength?

“Do not be afraid.  I am here.”  ~Jesus

Thus, my prayer for 2018 is, “..in Your way, God.  In Your way, will I surrender.  I surrender with hopeful joy, because I know You are Good.  I trust You are with me.  I believe Your words are true.  I know that no matter what the results are, or where I end up, or if my story looks ANYTHING like that which I planned out in my heart and head, You are working out a way that WILL BE for my Good.  It will be for Your glory.  You will advance Your kingdom.  You ARE a God of reconciliation and restoration.  You ARE working, even if it is in ways that are NOT my own. 

Jesus,  I release the “how” of my life’s process.  I release the “how” of my husband’s, children’s, and all my loved one’s.  Only You know truly how to banish Fear, and achieve the results of Rest my heart craves, so I will surrender my plan to You.  I will allow You to work in YOUR way, because You will always be there to catch me, when I do take my eyes off of You, and all hope is lost.  Yet, even then, You restore hope to my drowning heart!  Thank You for being there, Jesus, for never leaving me, for receiving my fear and doubts and anger and raging accusations.  You are the Sustainer, so I am free to LOVE.  I am free to surrender.  I am free to walk in JOY!   Let it be so.  Amen.”

With you on the Journey,

Carlene