Worry: Don't Do It.

I struggle with Worry a lot.  Mostly because I struggle with Control a lot.  I like to Control everything and then Worry about whether I can Control everything (which, of course, I can't).  Not a good, God-honoring way to live.

[duh.]

Consequently, I have spent a lot of time reading Jesus' words about not worrying (Matthew 6 and Luke 12).  However, the other day, these words hit me in a new way.  I had always read the words

"So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat?  What will we drink?  What will we wear?'  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.  So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today."

as speaking to those really poor people who don't have an assurance of their next meal, or confidence of warm clothes come winter.  Like, only those people without, would worry about food and clothes.

Well.

God showed me that EVERY single one of us falls into worry about food and clothes (i.e. everyday life!).  We can be consumed with wearing the right clothes.  We can focus all our time on eating the right foods.  We can obsess over restaurants, fashion, and all manner of material comparisons to prove we're all right.  In other words: the very wealthy, the semi-wealthy, the middle, the poor - ALL can put too much emphasis upon what we eat and wear and do with our daily lives.

This has really opened up a whole new way to read these passages.  Perhaps all of ya'll have always read it this way.  Not sure.  But, I know that in my own life, and in the conversations I have with those around me, I now see a whole new way in which we concern ourselves with the very things Jesus says not to.

"Can I eat/wear/buy ______ without being made fun of?"
"I just HAVE to have ______!"
"And then [food conversation], and then [stuff conversation], and then [food conversation], and then...."
"If my house/body doesn't look like _____ life is over."

Perhaps you don't speak or think as dramatically, but I challenge you to take a look at the amount of time and energy you do spend thinking about things like food and clothes.  Is it just for normal/quiet living, or do you live for the next outfit?  the next meal?  the next toy?  Do you get anxious when they are lacking?  Does your worth and confidence and joy waver when ordinary life doesn't provide to the level of your neighbor?

I'm sure thinking a lot more about this now, that's for sure....  I hope you join me :) 



What are YOU consumed by?

Take me, Lord...

Take me to our secret place, Lord; I need You!!

Life in the Actual

I think one of the biggest struggles I've had since graduating college is that I no longer have the luxury of living with all the Potentials of Life before me. 

I LOVE potential.  I love preparing an amazing meal, studying for an exam, working towards any goal.  But arriving has always disappointed me.  Before I graduated college, there was always another task ahead, that I could easily place my hope in again.  Obviously, not a good way to live, but I hardly recognized this pattern until recent years.

Now I see how much I have made this my idol: perfection.  And it has never delivered.  This world can't!  (how do I keep my focus on Christ - the only True Perfection - while owning my life/choices?)  Yet I put all my hope in this ideal, hoping that this time, maybe it will meet all my unrealistic expectations, and it never does.  I know that I need to hold on to the ideal, while accepting the imperfections seen in others, myself, and this world, but facing this with character, reality, and grace has been much harder in this season of life than in any of the previous ones.

I suppose no longer having work/school/music/sports to outlet my bad habit, has made this more clear. Like, I have transfered it to my personal life: friends, kids, maturity, a clean house....And it has driven me nuts.  I am exhausted constantly from trying to reach goals that aren't even close to achievable (how can you arrive at anything in relationship? It's all process and growth and health - not checking off a list!).  But: yea for Christ helping me to see clearly!

I think I could fool myself before with good grades, trophies, wins, and being liked by everyone.... but now.... there really is no more pretending.  I am living in the 'Actual Real Life.'  There is no more "well, once this finishes, then I'll be satisfied...and if not, I'll just do something else even bigger next time" pretending.

I am sick of deluding myself.  I want to walk in Freedom.  Truth.  Peace.  Grace!  Yet, while I do this for a day, week, or month, eventually I kick in with "Life can't be this simple; hurry and get back on track!" and I pick up all the pieces again.  Which, ironically enough, leads me to all sorts of guilt and shame for having dropped them in the first place. Ah, what a ridiculous cycle.

What happened to "I don't play that game"? 

I am working on resting.  Ha.  But really.  I need calm moments which don't exist.  I want to do things because I want to, not because I feel the obligation of perfection and performance.  Can I live this way?  Can I work and pursue excellence without carrying the idol of 'performance will satisfy'?  Can I walk with Christ in a way that brings honor to Him, while resting in His complete and utter Love for me?

I want to find Peace in the here and now: not wish for how I met it 10 years ago.  Come, Jesus, and bring me out of this performance addiction!



Ah, for still moments with my Savior. :)


(ok, but, p.s. how do I still live with excellence?  How do I still pursue goals?  How do I not let my motivation be perfection?  How do I accept my personality as one who enjoys tasks and work and achieving tangible goals?  Why work so hard for something?  Why sacrifice?  How do I live and love well with this motive stripped? ?????)

The Freedom to Create

(Or: Why We Follow Baby Companies but Not Communities)

Talk with a seasoned mother, and you'll hear a whole host of unique ways of managing her household, raising her children, keeping her marriage strong, and finding time to keep her own self healthy.  This is a process each woman must go through in life, but for a woman becoming a mother, this uniquely-lived-daily-life is especially essential.

A mother raises unique human beings, in a unique household, in a unique environment, in a unique time, in a (ok ok, you get the picture!), and this requires unique ways of thinking.  The problem arises when a first-time mother is inundated with all manner of 'could/should/must/caution's' from businesses, and arrives at parenting not only with her own experiences, her own dreams, her own ideas of what it may look like, but those of a hundred corporations. (and probably those of a hubby or family too!)

Now, most of these organizations have good advice, but the problem is that it's not given as advice; it's given as a necessity.  You MUST:
do this action
buy this product
pay attention to this fear
beware of this situation
clothe them this way
have this furniture
give this medicine
don't give this medicine
feed them this
don't feed them this
ET CETERA!!!!!! 

If you aren't careful, the unsuspecting new mother can VERY easily get caught up in 437 new things to be thinking about, buying immediately, fearing constantly, and stressing over continually.

We need community.  We need advice.  We need to be taught.  Fine.  But, be careful to take your lessons from society.  It's hard enough to filter out what the close people in your life tell you to do with your kids!

Fine advice, but it's not as simple/fun/easy as they say...Especially when we take a snapshot and turn it into her whole life.  A beautiful room, with beautifully dressed people, laughing.... ah, not 24/7 reality, yet we want to make it so!  "Bethenny Frankel on juggling a career with baby Bryn" at http://www.parenting.com/

 

My own limited experience has led me to say: find a few older mothers that you really respect, and ask questions.  Then, be intentional to listen to them, and not just to culture.  Mostly ask them how they've managed to create their own environment - whether that includes hot dogs, vaccinations, clothes from Goodwill, homemade rice cereal, time outs, diapers, sign language, or trips to the aquarium when they're 10 days old - listen to how they found the freedom to be what their family needed to be in each season.  Listen to how the small moments of joy can carry you through the next days of challenges.

It's great to ask questions and look for advice.  Just be careful only taking what is on TV, or in a magazine, or found in books.  GREAT advice in most things out there, and as most likely your circle of friends doesn't include specialists, these resources are great ways to find out answers to questions.  Just take it all with a grain of salt, recognizing that  they are not walking in your shoes, so it has to be generic-advice, and not specific-to-YOU advice.

Many people already excel at being who they are and in doing what they need.  I am not one of them.  I take the expectations handed to me and then try to exceed them x10.  I swallowed up so many 'have to's' of parenting, that it has taken me years to sort through it all.... to extract what I do not need to be, and to give myself the freedom to create my home and life as we need.....as I want!

Each season is unique.  What I needed to do 2 years (heck, 2 days!) ago is not the same as now.  Learning to walk in the grace of "this may not be what 'so and so' says I need to be doing right now, but it IS what I need to be doing right now.  So I will."

Final thought: It's the small things, mostly, that I'm talking about.  Big stuff is still there - still overwhelming - but easier to identify and filter.  The small things are what exhausts you, and it's easy to have no clue why.

For me, this is lived out as simply as unloading the groceries and taking 5 or 10 to relax with my boys from the, often, stressful time of shopping with hundreds of snowbirds, before putting it all away.  I was not raised this way.  My default is to get everything put away ASAP and then put some speed on it, girl!

BUT!  For me, in this season, it is simply beyond my ability to live like that.  I need the break. The bread will survive.

Stay Connected. Or Else.

I know every subculture does this in its own way, but when the Christian culture jumps on the bandwagon of "buy our product cuz it's Jesus-approved." well, I get riled up.  This happens in a number of ways, I know (political, materials, business, church attendance, etc) but while listening to the radio this morning, a new wave hit me.

Now I am both thankful, and frustrated, with Christian radio, but when I'm listening to a clip about how hard it is to say goodbye to dear friends and then THAT is what segues into their promo for their new crack-berry app, agh.  ("Now you never have to say goodbye!") 

What?!  Shouldn't the Christian community be encouraging stillness?  connection with Jesus?  Learning how to be in the tension of the difficult?  UN-plugging?!

Man....Especially using the analogy of saying goodbye to dear friends...that could have been a great beginning to speak about the beautiful tension a Christian (in particular) has to live in of the "already, but not yet" that is our sanctification process!  The frequent times in life when God moves us to a different season before we're "ready."  The times of dealing with the finality of death.  The reality of eternity.  The temporary reality of sin.  The beauty of trusting in an eternal God.  Taking our pain and confusion and hurt to God and to others!

I mean, holy cow, are we just going to keep pushing pushing pushing for MORE all the time?!  More connection.  More plugged in.  More information.  More entertainment.  More noise. 

Sheesh.

Here I am, adding to the noise myself. 
Ah, there's a balance, for sure. 
This is the reality of our culture today, so ok. 

But, again, to have the church just keep on pushing for more activity and more noise....that really frustrates me.  ...ah, I wish we would begin encouraging the stillness and quiet required for our spirit's to be refreshed by the Word of Life.  [and we wonder why we're always exhausted and never satisfied.] 

I know we have a lot of legit reasons to be plugged in.  But what are we doing to our youth?  our children?  our families by always keeping up-to-date on EVERY frickin' thing under the sun?  Must we know all?  Are we really required to be 'on' all the time?  Why are we promoting the noise instead of teaching how to minimize it? 

We all have a sphere of influence.  I try to use mine to bring Life.  To encourage stillness (this is not lazy!).  Will you as well?  I would challenge you this week (myself too) to be intentional to be still for a while.  To minimize the noise.  To filter what exactly you 'need to know' and what are just silly illusions of control and escape.

...I mean, why do we need to be plugged in?  To respond so quickly?  Why do we replace real-time relationships with purely online connections?...Do we know how to prioritize and respond to what God calls us to?  Ah....I'm still so old fashioned in this...  perhaps it is me who must change and get with it??  hmm...

Agh, we are forgetting!  :(  We are forgetting how to listen.  How to speak.  How to hold one another in the midst of pain.  How to ask for help.  How to receive.  For REAL.

Stop being so busy. 

I need to stop being so busy.  What messages am I buying?  Why am I ALWAYS subject to the tyranny of the urgent?  Do I have a choice or not?  If I do, why am I so unwilling to write a better story?

Be still.  Listen.


BE. 

Right NOW...

• I have two amazing adults, Alex and Jon, living with me as toddlers.
• I have the privilege of simple living, by not having to work.
• I am provided the opportunity to laugh often, although it means overlooking many  messes/tasks.
• I can choose to engage in worshiping God, fellowship with my siblings pursuing Christ, learn from a humble teacher, and be still with my Savior for a few minutes a month, instead of rushing through Church as one more thing to get done this week.
• I can accept my needs and limitations, instead of pretending they're not there.
• I can listen to the Voice, who is not me; the Writer who knows what is best; the Master storyteller who desires to change my very character (yet will love me always, regardless, in spite of, because of who I am right NOW) as He whispers directions to my heart.

I can take advantage of the opportunities to grow, learn, be fulfilled that are currently before me, or I can ignore them and wish for the past to return, or for a future illusion to materialize.  I have many of the same needs as I did 10 years ago, but they must look different now, for I am different.  My choice.  My story. 

Will I be still and SEE what is before me Now? 
Will I receive the Good gifts before me? 
Will I meet my Savior where I'm at? 
Will I accept His grace?
Will I risk in order to live a Great Story?
Will I receive the adventure that is before me, which now includes Kris, Alex, and Jon, or will I pout that it's not what I thought?

At least it's being lived out.  I am living a story.  I do have people to pull me out of my daydreams.  I may kick and whine and complain, but 'progress, no matter how slow, is always good.'  My prayer is that I will begin to enjoy this story that the Master has placed me in.

I am the Variable, God is the Constant: Planning for Flexibility

I am trying to remember that I am not God.  [duh]  For some reason, while I emphatically believe this intellectually, it has not been hitting the functional/real life level these days.  Let me explain.

• I act as though my plans MUST happen because they are, obviously, the best.
• I act as if people, circumstances, weather, and life in general had better cooporate with my goals, because, obviously, I have the best paths to accomplishing my goals.
• I get angry when change happens and my (oh so awesome!) plans fall through.
• I make many goals - spiritually, relationally, emotionally, physically - and when they are not being accomplished posthaste, I am truly shocked.  Stunned.  Lost.
• I don't take the time to consult with Jesus about my, obviously, correctly-planned-out-day, and wonder why I feel so exhausted after such a busy/urgent/movement-filled day (life with toddlers aside).

These are a sampling of how easily it is for Truth to get all mixed up with my flawed perspectives.

Today I was reminded that it is the LORD Who determines my steps.
That it is by His Spirit that I have strength to overcome sin, struggles, trials, etc.
That my weaknesses are where God is most clearly seen.
That my need to surrender to His plan is the best way for my heart to find peace, rest, and hope.

I wonder, often, how God can have such eternal patience with someone like myself, who is constantly questioning questioning questioning...  I am a very inflexible person by nature (SO see Love in the Familiar), and while I can get 'great' things accomplished on my watch, it's only if all life's variables fall into place.  This is exceedingly rare with 2 toddlers and little sleep....

Learning to receive grace, to be in need, to ask for help, to adjust my plans, to not make plans, to listen to the Lord's whispers, to respond to my needs, to help another out....  Ah, this is the journey of today.  So, as I fight the thoughts Shame shouts at me ("if only you were more disciplined, you could have the house running, your needs met, and others could be blessed instead of inconvenienced!") and take these precious kid-free hours to think, rest, enjoy tea, and blog, please pray that my heart will surrender anew to the God Who Sees, El Roi.

God Sees.

Pray that I will trust HIM to provide what is needed, when it is needed.  Pray that I will cease striving.  Pray that I will receive grace.  For:

I am broken and weary....
guilty at not having so many 'basic' things caught up...
worried at upcoming/current changes to the boys' sleep patterns (Jon transitioning out of his crib; late nights with Youth Group)....
frustrated at my weakness/need for sleep and alone time....
exhausted by how busy I'm becoming (and these are supposed to be the CALM years?!)...
excited about new friends, but fearful at my limited strength ruining the fragile beginnings.....
sigh....

Pray that I will keep my eyes on Jesus and be still with Him.

Ponytails and No Nails: Motherhood

I have always been a person who enjoys casual living.  I love being able to wear clothes that I can get dirty, sweaty, work out in, and always be able to move/sit/stand as I want. Sure, there were the occasional times when I would have fun dressing up, putting makeup on, buying new clothes (ok, well, never really this one, lol), or getting my nails done.  However, when I became a mom, and this rare occurrence now became HUGELY more difficult, I suddenly embraced this weird expectation that I NEEDED to be as put-together as possible, as often as possible.  Talk about an opposite swing for my heart!

2008 Alex is 4 months.  Trying to look the part of the put-together mom, but inwardly exhausted beyond anything.  I could only handle another few months of the faking it before I crashed.

This has caused me no end of stress and guilt and shame for not being able to maintain even a small bit of this new standard.

Obviously, this problem is not all-encompassing of women who are mothers.  Many mothers make time to dress up and look awesome cuz that really IS how they unwind and find a sense of normalcy/control.  However, I have never been the type of person who enjoys dressing up (i.e. wearing makeup, not a tank top/jeans, doing my hair in something besides a ponytail).  But I hear so much about how to improve my self-esteem, marriage, spirituality, and overall sense of maturity by taking time to improve my looks, that it's been really hard to filter out what can work for me.

Is this a relative option?  Or a need for all women to mold in to?  Can I be so different and still be ok?

Now, to clarify, I'm a fan of self-care.  Hygiene.  Being attractive to your spouse.  Heck yes!  I really did enjoy the times of having Kris come home to a beautifully made-up Carlene.  But learning to accept that my personality is NOT one who benefits from consistently dressing up has been (for whatever reason) SUCH a challenge to me in these last 3+ years.

I mean, come on, how many women are out there who don't enjoy making themselves look beautiful?  How could this be ok for me?  I have a really hard time being different, let alone opposite of most people.  In fact, lots of my gal friends talk with great joy about how fun it is to wear a favorite dress, or look stunning for their man, or how they enjoy wearing business-casual to work, or how great it is to finally have an occasion to dress up, etc.

But!  Motherhood has made this even more impossible for me.  It's so dang impractical (especially to a person who never had this habit/desire!) to wear makeup when my face is smeared all the time by little hands.  To have my hair down when I'm constantly moving up, down, turn around, pick up, put down, chase, little hands in my hair, etc.  To wear nice clothes when I would get poop, pee, spit up, throw up, drool, food, drink, sweat, and all sorts of fun things all over me, all the time (yea for that minimizing a bit with infants growing up!).

So, ok.  Fine.  This season makes it hard on any woman to make time for those things.  But am I still ok when I do it even less than most?  Shouldn't Kris be able to come home to a nice-smelling, clean-house, fun clothes, calm, wife?  Shouldn't I make time to dress up to help improve my need to be seen as a real person?  Will people take me more seriously if my 12-year-old face has makeup on it?

Ah, I'm finally letting a lot of that go.  Slowly.  Seeing how comparing myself to others limits who I am in Christ.  Seeing that Carlene is ok as she is.  Learning how to make time for what's healthy and helpful for me.  I'm still so black-white in my thinking, but I'm slowly becoming ok with my uniqueness.  And actually enjoying it!

After Pucci and I spent the ENTIRE day making this delish pumpkin pie from scratch, we were pretty thrilled. I was free to be me.  2004

I have finally gotten into a rhythm that works well for me.  Thank You, Lord!  I make sure I'm dressed for the day before I get the kids up (which, I will say, is a HUGE accomplishment, as it used to be a big deal if I remembered to put on deodorant at all).  Kris watches the boys on Sunday morning so I can at least spend some time putting a nice face on and thinking about what fun clothes to wear.  When we have the occasional date night that includes an option to look nice, I enjoy being sexy for my man.

However, I've also learned to let go of the expectation (from culture? people? me?) to be someone I'm not.  My mom and sister, in particular, LOVE to get dressed up.  Daily.  (as per my idea of 'dressed up,' that is; they would just say it's normal day stuff :) )  And, while I definitely care about good hygiene, I no longer stress that I'm less of a woman because I like wearing tank tops and jeans.  After all, this is nothing new for me.  Kris dated me this way.  My friends were my friends with me having looked like this.  My worth is not based on how well-dressed I am.

God cares about the heart.  Now, this isn't an excuse to let myself go, but rather to let go of the obsession to please people by pretending to be who I'm not.  And, ironically enough, having let go of this 'must look like them' expectation, has freed me up to dress up how I like, when I like, for who I like!

I'm earthy.  Organic.  I like to wear homemade jewlrey and long skirts and clothes with sentimental value.  This is how Carlene dresses up.

Winter Park 2011

Fashion-conscious people may laugh and think I am so off, but that's slowly becoming less important to me.  It's awesome if you are able to stay with current trends and have fun doing it.  I have fun by NOT walking that path.  If I have a free 30 minutes to myself, I want to get a task done, nap, read, learn, call a friend, go for a walk, or cook something.  I've never had fun trying out new hairstyles or makeup combinations in my free time.

Not bad if you do.
Not bad if I don't.
Look nice by being yourself.
God'll grow me in His way.
I can trust Him. 
God's ok with me as I am.

And that's ok by me too.

Why, hello!

I have limitations.
I am not perfect.
I am redeemed.
I am in process.
I like to have control.  a lot.
Living and Speaking the Truth, in Love, is where Freedom is found.
God is the One patient with me, not the other way around.
I don't have to be strong enough.
My faith doesn't have to be strong enough.
The Object of my faith IS strong enough.
I need rest. play. friends. projects. peace. sleep.
It's ok if arriving at a goal takes my whole life:  Small steps matter.
I'm not energized by people, so getting alone time isn't rejecting a relationship, but rather, caring for it.
I need to pour in, if I want to pour out.  "Be filled": an active receiving.
If I can't meet my own needs in this season, then receiving help - even from extra black tea - is ok.
Pursuing wants can be a beautiful and blessed part of Ordinary Life.
I have never been so inclined to run over read, so why stress that I'm still that way?  Pursuit of Health is enough.
Boundaries are from Jesus.  Such is where Freedom grows!
I may have to be "on" 24/7 as a mom, but I can no longer expect that I'll only get refill time a part from my Mom hat.  ::learning how to give and receive at the same time::
Small steps matter.  Even the REALLY small ones.
Jesus is passionate about the unrecognizable acts of service done in His name.  Attitude matters.  A lot.
Comparing sucks.  Stop doing it.
I don't need to apologize (or be embarrassed) for who God has made me to be.


Such are some things I've been learning over the past months.  More thoughts and details to follow, but I wanted to get in the blogging mode again.  Hope to see ya'll again sooner than February!
 

The Boys enjoying bath time.  Me enjoying their hair.  mwwaahhhaa :)



p.s. I've been having fun painting :)

p.p.s. I got a new tat :) :) "Truth" from John 8:32. and the flower is an orchid: "Perfection.Christ's blood"

Love the heart.

Life again...

http://www.tyndale.com/blog/?p=1042
I always love the hope of winning books :)


So, tis been a while, eh?  ...and I must say, things are both settling in and winding up.  I don't handle paradox's well.  Or balance.  Or keeping things in tension.  Which, as most of the Good things in life are handled in such ways, often distresses my extremist nature.

Today was interesting in that I realized Disappointment is probably the thing I fear the most - whether cuz I am a disappointment, or in being disappointed in others.  Some people take that fear and never hold expectations of anyone or anything, but I go to the opposite extreme. 

I hold SO many expectations over myself, irrationally thinking that if I meet every possibly imagined one, then I'll never be a disappointment to anyone.  And, likewise, if I hold people up to such unrealistic expectations, the disappointment is more familiar/less painful, for "how could they have done it anyways." 

Like, *actually* being disappointed - by realistic expectations - terrifies me.  Seriously, scared spit-less.  "Gonna go buy some boots and tremble in them" scared.  Not sure how to handle this revelation of my character, but the fist step is admitting it, eh?  :)



::on my way to somewhere...hopefully closer to Jesus::

Small Moments

Well, I keep writing and deleting sentences, in hopes that I'll have something more calm, good, cheerful, intelligent, and purposeful to say than I have in the last, oh, year.  Yet, it seems my heart is still in this place of transition.  Venting.  Recently, I've equated this season of change-transition, with transition as seen in labor.  Not very fun for me in either instance.

Now, in those moments - or hours - of transition, I lose my awareness of time.  There is only Now, and it feels never-ending.  One contraction just rolls over the next, with small moments of utter rest offered in between.  If I choose to rest, it is only the exhausting-peaceful kind, like after carrying a 200lb backpack uphill in the Andies for 10 days straight.  When I was in transition with Jon I remember grabbing Kris' hand and calming requesting (ha), "Tell me 'this too will pass'!"  He told me.  I didn't believe him.

But I continued on, in hopes that this pain would truly be for a good and beautiful purpose - bringing our baby into the world.  I would get to hold him soon (although I didn't know he was a 'he' yet!).  I kept going.

Like I had a choice. Ha.

So, these last 3 years have felt like transition to me: never-ending, one hardship/pain/challenge/sacrifice/difficulty/question after another.  Yes, there have been small moments of beauty, rest, connection, and peace.  But, all in all, it's been rough.  Barely time to breath; and the breathing I do is labored, not pretty or composed, focused, and desperate.

Honestly, it's been weird to be in need.  It's so humbling to actually be a mess, instead of just talking about it.  It's so hard for me to accept help, and even harder to ask for it.  It's hard to accept disapointments and harsh realities.  It's hard to connect with Jesus as I used to.  It's hard to connect with people.  It's hard to cease striving, be still, take care of my heart, hear the Lord, rest, have fun, and clean behind my ears.  It's frustrating that parenthood has been so difficult for me to walk in - I truly only heard of how wonderful it was; how much even the exhausting seasons were so meaningful.  I'm cynical and bitter more often than hopeful and loving.  Oh, to walk in freedom! grace! as I once did.

Yet, in small moments like this one, hope in God's faithfulness, goodness, pursuit, love, and tender mercy are still within.

   ¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.  ~Paul, 2 Cor. 4

it gets different.

As my mother-in-law was leaving from their 9-day vacation, she told me,

"Hang in there, it gets better....well, it gets different."

and it's stuck with me.  People often leave the cliche/encouragement there - "it gets better" - and it leaves me with this sense that this season is to be rushed through as quickly as possible.  (Yes, I know EVERY season of life has its good and bad, but for some reason, it finally clicked with me: this season has it's own unique perks and blessings that I will lose once the boys are grown.  Sure, they'll be replaced with other good things, but THIS season's good things will be gone with the season.)

[Welcome to a "duh" moment in my brain :)]

Yes, it's hard not having time for myself, my marriage, relationships, ministry, or school, and it's hard having such a physically exhausting daily life, BUT the choices that my boys will be free to make as they get older - good and bad - will bring about its own type of pain and heart ache.  Would I so easily trade one for the other? 

Today, I am glad I'm not in control of the process.  That I have lots of time to transition from one stage to the next.  That my kids really love and need me in such a great way.  That I get to hug them often.  That they think I'm really cool.  That they want to be just like Kris and I.  That their love is seen in their honest expressions of their hearts.

Yes, it gets better, but some things get worse.  Life is change, so embrace today.  Things will be different: such is the adventure.