Contemplating giving up facebook to just focus on blogging...I'm sick of the polite and shallow crap that is inevitable when people try to do relationships SOLELY online.
Trying to be thankful for the cute antics my boys are doing (Alex playing with play doh and Jon chasing a ball), instead of dwelling on how tired I am.
Recognizing how much I'm in a depressed and comparing and lonely mood right now, yet being unable to move past it, makes for a very draining and guilty and long day.
Excited to be learning vocab for sign language. I hope it keeps going. I hope Alex continues to love it.
Admitting to feeling lonely is an odd emotional truth for me. Since I'm such an indepent introvert, I suppose it's cuz I can't be indepent or alone consistenly, that makes the social time I do get not refreshing/connecting.
I miss true friends involved in a shared life. A lot.
I wish I was understood by people here (and I them!), yet perhaps I am simply unrealistic? AZ seems to be a place of longing for me...ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be known. I experienced that in CO, but not here. Why?
I find myself jealous of what my good friends are able to walk in, that I can't - with people and with the Lord. How unloving and judgmental of me! sigh
Why is life right now not enough/fulfilling? Why do I have such pressure on myself? Why am I still so stuck in performing and perfectionism? I blame myself very easily....I don't know how to walk in grace. Who shall teach me? How can I learn? Where are mentors?
An old youth leader recently apologized and modeled a deep sense of humility, trust, and obedience to the Lord. His story is one of redemption and grace. Oh Lord, show me how to accept Truth.
Jesus.....
Friday, November 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Recent Days...
Right now I'm (discreetly) watching the boys pull out movies from a drawer they're not supposed to be playing in... I'm just too tired to do something about it (until it starts getting destructive, that is). Being tired is one of the hardest things for me to function with. I hate being weak. I hate being average. I hate being so...well, prideful! lol
There are some days when I can accept my exhaustion and still rise up and have a great attitude/day. Then there are days when it is so dang debilitating! I hate that my mind still has the standards of "this is how you SHOULD be acting" (pre-kids, mind you) and because I can't, I label myself a failure/bad mom. Also exhausting. Not good.
Now, I will say that my heart, at least, is in a slightly better spot than it has been in many months. After talking with Pucci the other day, I have been holding on to a piece of truth that often eludes me: the reality of my frailty.
I am not perfect.
Really? No crap. What a concept, Carlene.
Except...
I live life as though I am.
Or should be.
Or can be.
But, what was so freeing about my convo with Dani is that it's finally starting to click (thank You, Holy Spirit!) that I really only have so much to give each day; because I. am. not. perfect. And, sometimes (most times!) I'm not going to be that awesome at all. Sure, there are days when I'm a GREAT mom/wife/friend, but lots of times I'm just mediocre, at best, and awful/selfish/lame sauce at worst. [Welcome to walking in Grace.]
In fact, if housework takes 10%, the boys 50%, friends/family 10%, alone time 10%, marriage 20%...well, that's got me pretty maxed out with the "most basic of life responsibilities." Yet, I add in SO much more to my days - work, errands, being exceptional at things where I could just be average - that I am very quickly overdrawn. I think I've spent the last 2+ years overdrafting and now I'm payin' up with some major interest.
I wonder how long it will take to get back to zero, let alone have some reserves that I can draw from to serve/follow dreams/have energy again? Hmm...
Anyways, the cool thing is that I'm realizing I have limits. I really SHOULD set boundaries in order to keep me functioning at a healthy level. It's no longer some abstract "healthy thing to do" (boundaries): it's a need. In fact, I'm slowly seeing how saying 'no' to Good Thing A will enable me to be a much better person doing Good Things B, C, D, E, F....And, yet, it's still so hard for me (performer/people-pleaser!) to say no - especially when I see a legit need. Or I just want to do Option A. That too.
Like, I'm pretty bad at being ok with not getting what I want. I don't want a lot of things in life, but I'm used to getting the things I do want. And....now that's changing/shifting/reshaping itself. Which is good, I know, but so dang hard to deny self/Good things!
Alright, one last thing: while in my quiet time yesterday morning with the Lord, I was venting about how mad/hurt I am that Kris isn't reading my needs very well right now. We're both in tough places emotionally, and while things do need to settle a bit on both of our ends, the Lord showed me how I was trying to make Kris my Source, and not Him.
Here's the analogy He gave me:
"Jesus is like the sun. Fellowship/relationships are like the moon. The sun provides the strength, sustenance, heat, light, etc. for life on this planet to exist. The moon, a reflection of the sun, is a great source of comfort, light, etc. but it changes form frequently, is not enough to sustain life on, and should never be used in PLACE of the sun. It's a reflection of the Real Light, and cannot give light apart from the sun itself anyways.
So, as long as I'm getting my sun-time, it's great to also enjoy the moon. But, if I'm only getting time with the moon, I will soon find my strength fading. The moon cannot take the place of the sun; Kris is not my source of Life, energy, or fulfillment. Kris is a great reflection of the Lord's love, but he is not the Lord Himself. I can see Jesus through Kris, yes, but if that's the only way I'm getting my "light/heat/warmth/vitamin D," well, I will soon find it a VERY inadequate way of living. Reflected light isn't very sustaining in the long run.
And, does getting major frustrated at the moon for only doing what it can do solve anything? No. Can I make the moon the sun? No. Can I ever receive from the moon what I can from the sun? Nope. I need to shift priorities so that I can engage in the true Source of life: Jesus. Only then can I be filled to overflowing. Only then can I be satisfied. Only then can I enjoy the relationships around me for what they are: reflections of the Lord's love and light."
Cool, huh? :) I love how the Spirit speaks to us in ways we need and understand. I'm such a fan. Thank You, Lord!
p.s. the boys are now watching a movie they, er, picked out, and I've got some black tea brewing...so all is well in my world right now. After all, I only have so much to give, ya know. ;)
p.p.s. I hope to blog sometime about the fallacy of self-actualization being our highest need. Thanks for screwin' up our generation, Maslow. (no worries, there's a lot to say, on both sides, but really, can we encourage selfishness anymore?! It's not about me.)
There are some days when I can accept my exhaustion and still rise up and have a great attitude/day. Then there are days when it is so dang debilitating! I hate that my mind still has the standards of "this is how you SHOULD be acting" (pre-kids, mind you) and because I can't, I label myself a failure/bad mom. Also exhausting. Not good.
Now, I will say that my heart, at least, is in a slightly better spot than it has been in many months. After talking with Pucci the other day, I have been holding on to a piece of truth that often eludes me: the reality of my frailty.
I am not perfect.
Really? No crap. What a concept, Carlene.
Except...
I live life as though I am.
Or should be.
Or can be.
But, what was so freeing about my convo with Dani is that it's finally starting to click (thank You, Holy Spirit!) that I really only have so much to give each day; because I. am. not. perfect. And, sometimes (most times!) I'm not going to be that awesome at all. Sure, there are days when I'm a GREAT mom/wife/friend, but lots of times I'm just mediocre, at best, and awful/selfish/lame sauce at worst. [Welcome to walking in Grace.]
In fact, if housework takes 10%, the boys 50%, friends/family 10%, alone time 10%, marriage 20%...well, that's got me pretty maxed out with the "most basic of life responsibilities." Yet, I add in SO much more to my days - work, errands, being exceptional at things where I could just be average - that I am very quickly overdrawn. I think I've spent the last 2+ years overdrafting and now I'm payin' up with some major interest.
I wonder how long it will take to get back to zero, let alone have some reserves that I can draw from to serve/follow dreams/have energy again? Hmm...
Anyways, the cool thing is that I'm realizing I have limits. I really SHOULD set boundaries in order to keep me functioning at a healthy level. It's no longer some abstract "healthy thing to do" (boundaries): it's a need. In fact, I'm slowly seeing how saying 'no' to Good Thing A will enable me to be a much better person doing Good Things B, C, D, E, F....And, yet, it's still so hard for me (performer/people-pleaser!) to say no - especially when I see a legit need. Or I just want to do Option A. That too.
Like, I'm pretty bad at being ok with not getting what I want. I don't want a lot of things in life, but I'm used to getting the things I do want. And....now that's changing/shifting/reshaping itself. Which is good, I know, but so dang hard to deny self/Good things!
Alright, one last thing: while in my quiet time yesterday morning with the Lord, I was venting about how mad/hurt I am that Kris isn't reading my needs very well right now. We're both in tough places emotionally, and while things do need to settle a bit on both of our ends, the Lord showed me how I was trying to make Kris my Source, and not Him.
Here's the analogy He gave me:
"Jesus is like the sun. Fellowship/relationships are like the moon. The sun provides the strength, sustenance, heat, light, etc. for life on this planet to exist. The moon, a reflection of the sun, is a great source of comfort, light, etc. but it changes form frequently, is not enough to sustain life on, and should never be used in PLACE of the sun. It's a reflection of the Real Light, and cannot give light apart from the sun itself anyways.
So, as long as I'm getting my sun-time, it's great to also enjoy the moon. But, if I'm only getting time with the moon, I will soon find my strength fading. The moon cannot take the place of the sun; Kris is not my source of Life, energy, or fulfillment. Kris is a great reflection of the Lord's love, but he is not the Lord Himself. I can see Jesus through Kris, yes, but if that's the only way I'm getting my "light/heat/warmth/vitamin D," well, I will soon find it a VERY inadequate way of living. Reflected light isn't very sustaining in the long run.
And, does getting major frustrated at the moon for only doing what it can do solve anything? No. Can I make the moon the sun? No. Can I ever receive from the moon what I can from the sun? Nope. I need to shift priorities so that I can engage in the true Source of life: Jesus. Only then can I be filled to overflowing. Only then can I be satisfied. Only then can I enjoy the relationships around me for what they are: reflections of the Lord's love and light."
Cool, huh? :) I love how the Spirit speaks to us in ways we need and understand. I'm such a fan. Thank You, Lord!
p.s. the boys are now watching a movie they, er, picked out, and I've got some black tea brewing...so all is well in my world right now. After all, I only have so much to give, ya know. ;)
p.p.s. I hope to blog sometime about the fallacy of self-actualization being our highest need. Thanks for screwin' up our generation, Maslow. (no worries, there's a lot to say, on both sides, but really, can we encourage selfishness anymore?! It's not about me.)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Eleuoepia, Freedom.
Recently, I've been feeling more and more free to be me, in Christ, without fear of what others will think. If I want to dress a certain way, spend my time at home, be with certain people, etc. that's ok. I don't have to have friendships just because I'm supposed to, nor do I have to look/act a certain way, because it's what I assume meets other's expectations (as a wife/mom/26 year old/college grad/woman)
It's like I'm a freshman in college all over again. Except worse, because at least then I had the desire and know-how of who I was/needed to be. Even in my walk with the Lord, I've been trying to act a certain way with Him, instead of being me.
Odd. Not healthy. Exhausting.
So, I guess I'm excited that I'm finally in a place to begin resting again. To walk in joy. To be who I am without apology or fear. And, from there, to be molded. to serve. to love. to live.
[hopeful]
Galations 5:13
For you have been called to FREEDOM! And not the freedom to satisfy the desires of your sinful nature (anger, bitterness, envy, hate), but freedom to serve one another in love.
It's like I'm a freshman in college all over again. Except worse, because at least then I had the desire and know-how of who I was/needed to be. Even in my walk with the Lord, I've been trying to act a certain way with Him, instead of being me.
Odd. Not healthy. Exhausting.
So, I guess I'm excited that I'm finally in a place to begin resting again. To walk in joy. To be who I am without apology or fear. And, from there, to be molded. to serve. to love. to live.
[hopeful]
Galations 5:13
For you have been called to FREEDOM! And not the freedom to satisfy the desires of your sinful nature (anger, bitterness, envy, hate), but freedom to serve one another in love.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Honesty, w/o apology or fear...
While perusing other blogs, I ran across a friend's comment which struck me. She spoke about how she will not apologize for being honest, even when it's messy and uncomfortable, for how else can the Body weep and rejoice with one another if Life always stays surfacy? I fell in love with this way of thinking during college, and it pains me that I have let it slip away.
For that is my heart's cry: deep and meaningful existence lived out alongside of others, and yet I see how much I live with an apology on either side of my shared reality. Which, if I'm honest, stems from a deep fear of rejection, coupled with my innate people-pleasing/never inconvenience others weakness. I have been redeemed, I am perfect in His eyes, I am set free from the law of sin and death, yet this season has been so muddled, that Truth has often been hard to hold on to.
Yes, these days I am rather chaotic, confused, uncertain, sad, angry, and hopeless, and I know it is not pleasant to constantly hear or be around such a melancholy heart... yet to those who know me...to those who know our Savior...I pray that I will be received with grace, so that, poured into, I may yet again pour out. someday. soon.
[hope.]
For that is my heart's cry: deep and meaningful existence lived out alongside of others, and yet I see how much I live with an apology on either side of my shared reality. Which, if I'm honest, stems from a deep fear of rejection, coupled with my innate people-pleasing/never inconvenience others weakness. I have been redeemed, I am perfect in His eyes, I am set free from the law of sin and death, yet this season has been so muddled, that Truth has often been hard to hold on to.
Yes, these days I am rather chaotic, confused, uncertain, sad, angry, and hopeless, and I know it is not pleasant to constantly hear or be around such a melancholy heart... yet to those who know me...to those who know our Savior...I pray that I will be received with grace, so that, poured into, I may yet again pour out. someday. soon.
[hope.]
Friday, July 9, 2010
thankful
I am so privileged to have not only an incredible, wise, patient, and calm husband, but also to have some pretty dang beautiful and loving friends. I am so thankful for my sisters who have encouraged, listened, and loved me so well these last couple days.
Thank You, Abba, for such a blessed group of women to be in my life.
Thank You, Abba, for such a blessed group of women to be in my life.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
grace for the moment.
Yes, I know I just posted, but after conversing with a good friend, I am reminded of many good things:
That it is a good and holy thing to pour into people...into relationships.
That limiting those relationships to my husband and sons is not bad. It's not wasteful. It's not limiting God's will.
That making time for myself to rest and be poured into by Jesus is not bad or discouraging to my family.
That setting aside time and money to have some time each week to myself (yea for being an introvert!) is ok.
That I don't have to go to another place to serve and love others well.
That I can do something about my need to have some independent time.
That I need Jesus just as deeply as the person serving in Costa Rica.
That I can take time to hear His voice and see if I am to be spending my time in another way.
That I'm not a failure.
That I'm not worthless.
That I need grace....
and have it!
[off to run errands with my boys, with a more restful heart than a few hours ago. praise God.]
That it is a good and holy thing to pour into people...into relationships.
That limiting those relationships to my husband and sons is not bad. It's not wasteful. It's not limiting God's will.
That making time for myself to rest and be poured into by Jesus is not bad or discouraging to my family.
That setting aside time and money to have some time each week to myself (yea for being an introvert!) is ok.
That I don't have to go to another place to serve and love others well.
That I can do something about my need to have some independent time.
That I need Jesus just as deeply as the person serving in Costa Rica.
That I can take time to hear His voice and see if I am to be spending my time in another way.
That I'm not a failure.
That I'm not worthless.
That I need grace....
and have it!
[off to run errands with my boys, with a more restful heart than a few hours ago. praise God.]
Jesus in the Now.
It has been a crazy couple of months. I can't believe, truly, I can NOT believe we're already chugging strong into July. What happened?! Holy cow, I never knew how busy I would be as a mom of kids who have no...well, life, I guess.
I've been very contemplative recently, rather melancholy even, of many blog-worthy things: technology and my need of it; pleasure/rest is not bad; boundaries for my family; boundaries for me; serving and loving others well; pursuing God; releasing the past; trusting for the future; being content in the moment; catching up on relationships; keeping house; letting life be messy; getting time with Kris; getting alone time; being too tired for anything fun; mourning the loss of my independence; budgeting; saving; and too many more things to list even in a run-on paragraph.
One of the biggest things I've been walking through these last weeks is that I really, truly, have been mourning the loss of my mind. I literally feel as though I cannot hold the same thoughts/patterns/questions/intelligence/ideas/responsibilities/etc. as I used to be able to do, and when I interact with my friends who are living a different life than I am (continuing education, career, no kids, missions), this in particular rears its head and I just collapse under the reality. Yes, dramatic, I know, but truly how I feel: collapsed. stripped of my worth and value. I am getting so tired of such drastic emotions all the time! I feel incredible immature and stupid in how I'm responding to people, and this makes me soooooo sad.
beyond sad. not me.
Joking about 'mom-brain' was once funny, but now I think it's real. tragic. When I try to converse with people on the level I used to enter into...I can't. I have no wisdom or opinions to offer. I've lost my marbles, as Toodles so well says. And I doubt they're returning anytime soon.
Wish I could blog about the random cool thoughts that do occasionly pop up. [but I can't remember them]
Wish I could chat about daily life and post pics on here more often. [but our computer/laptops are fried and I'm rarely online, or with access to pictures]
Wish our hard drive didn't crash and kill the last 3 years of my life in pictures/videos/doc's. [guess I need to learn to back things up properly. yeah, the backups are toast somehow too.]
Wish I lived in a more simple era, where survival was a main concern, and you weren't hounded with a constant false reality of: all-of-life-exists-to-please-you-so-you'd-better-buy-this-product-if-you're-not-happy CRAP. [why can't it be ok to live simply? not plugged in? not involved excessively in ?]
Wish I could walk in joy like I used to. [but Jesus is in the Now, Carlene, rest in Him!]
Wish I ...
eh, this isn't helping very much, is it? who wants to read a narcissistic and meloncholy blog? I sure don't..... maybe I'm self-sabatoging while still craving intimacy? Maybe i just need some good friend time? Maybe I need to stop all this whining and complaining? Maybe I need to remember how to play? Maybe I should stop comparing myself to other people - or to the past me? Maybe I need to accept that this is the culture I live in and stop fighting every aspect of it? Maybe I need to release my dreams of a dependent-on-Jesus-alone-missionary life (course, maybe my stereotype is all wrong and I am living that now?? like, I'm always dependent on Him!)? Maybe I need to see the Now that I live in as a place where I can honor God and grow closer to Him?
hmm....
Well, I am thankful for my boys. and
for my husband of almost 5 years. and
for the clouds. and
for the pictures of my life that still exist. and
for my friends who know my heart. and
for a college/God experience during my transitory years into adulthood. and
for warm weather. and
for the knowledge and desire to live a simple life.
Aaaaaaaand, Jon is up....thanks for hearing me vent. I'm sorry that's all I seem to do on here...maybe one day I can be normal again and actually share things of value/cool thoughts?
(Woah, what is up with these dang crickets?! Get out of my house, little creatures! Go find some dirt....)
I've been very contemplative recently, rather melancholy even, of many blog-worthy things: technology and my need of it; pleasure/rest is not bad; boundaries for my family; boundaries for me; serving and loving others well; pursuing God; releasing the past; trusting for the future; being content in the moment; catching up on relationships; keeping house; letting life be messy; getting time with Kris; getting alone time; being too tired for anything fun; mourning the loss of my independence; budgeting; saving; and too many more things to list even in a run-on paragraph.
One of the biggest things I've been walking through these last weeks is that I really, truly, have been mourning the loss of my mind. I literally feel as though I cannot hold the same thoughts/patterns/questions/intelligence/ideas/responsibilities/etc. as I used to be able to do, and when I interact with my friends who are living a different life than I am (continuing education, career, no kids, missions), this in particular rears its head and I just collapse under the reality. Yes, dramatic, I know, but truly how I feel: collapsed. stripped of my worth and value. I am getting so tired of such drastic emotions all the time! I feel incredible immature and stupid in how I'm responding to people, and this makes me soooooo sad.
beyond sad. not me.
Joking about 'mom-brain' was once funny, but now I think it's real. tragic. When I try to converse with people on the level I used to enter into...I can't. I have no wisdom or opinions to offer. I've lost my marbles, as Toodles so well says. And I doubt they're returning anytime soon.
Wish I could blog about the random cool thoughts that do occasionly pop up. [but I can't remember them]
Wish I could chat about daily life and post pics on here more often. [but our computer/laptops are fried and I'm rarely online, or with access to pictures]
Wish our hard drive didn't crash and kill the last 3 years of my life in pictures/videos/doc's. [guess I need to learn to back things up properly. yeah, the backups are toast somehow too.]
Wish I lived in a more simple era, where survival was a main concern, and you weren't hounded with a constant false reality of: all-of-life-exists-to-please-you-so-you'd-better-buy-this-product-if-you're-not-happy CRAP. [why can't it be ok to live simply? not plugged in? not involved excessively in ?]
Wish I could walk in joy like I used to. [but Jesus is in the Now, Carlene, rest in Him!]
Wish I ...
eh, this isn't helping very much, is it? who wants to read a narcissistic and meloncholy blog? I sure don't..... maybe I'm self-sabatoging while still craving intimacy? Maybe i just need some good friend time? Maybe I need to stop all this whining and complaining? Maybe I need to remember how to play? Maybe I should stop comparing myself to other people - or to the past me? Maybe I need to accept that this is the culture I live in and stop fighting every aspect of it? Maybe I need to release my dreams of a dependent-on-Jesus-alone-missionary life (course, maybe my stereotype is all wrong and I am living that now?? like, I'm always dependent on Him!)? Maybe I need to see the Now that I live in as a place where I can honor God and grow closer to Him?
hmm....
Well, I am thankful for my boys. and
for my husband of almost 5 years. and
for the clouds. and
for the pictures of my life that still exist. and
for my friends who know my heart. and
for a college/God experience during my transitory years into adulthood. and
for warm weather. and
for the knowledge and desire to live a simple life.
Aaaaaaaand, Jon is up....thanks for hearing me vent. I'm sorry that's all I seem to do on here...maybe one day I can be normal again and actually share things of value/cool thoughts?
(Woah, what is up with these dang crickets?! Get out of my house, little creatures! Go find some dirt....)
Focus on Jesus in the Now, not the ME in the past, or the MAYBE in the future.
NOW is good, because Jesus IS.
[craving Life.]
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Blessings
I have gone almost 5 whole days without putting in a movie for Alex. It has been heaven.
I could definitely do the simple life thing....few distractions and 'have to's' keeping me from enjoying, teaching, resting, parenting in a wise and fun way. I love that Alex learns how to play by himself and that things are ok if Mom's doing work too. I love that he interacts with his brother and enjoyings running errands and thinks that an M and a W are the same letter.
It's been a good day. Thank You, Abba.
Oh yeah, I can definitely do the simple life thing. Jon agrees too.
I could definitely do the simple life thing....few distractions and 'have to's' keeping me from enjoying, teaching, resting, parenting in a wise and fun way. I love that Alex learns how to play by himself and that things are ok if Mom's doing work too. I love that he interacts with his brother and enjoyings running errands and thinks that an M and a W are the same letter.
It's been a good day. Thank You, Abba.
Oh yeah, I can definitely do the simple life thing. Jon agrees too.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
My Scattered Brain
I'm sad today. Frustrated with my immaturity and selfish desires. Hungry for normal life - that thing where I don't second guess *literally* every decision in my day and where I feel at peace with how time is used. I'm tired and hormonal. I need a break. I'm carrying burdens that are not mine to carry. And my own burdens are not being handed over to Christ. I'm frustrated with how much we shirk the Great to hold the crap. I'm confused with how to approach those (who aren't asking for my advice) with red flags I have been seeing for years. I'm unsure how I can go from a truly perfect morning yesterday to such a draining and off one today. I want to laugh and play and enjoy my children. I want to have more than a conversation with my computer, yet I am unsure who to go to here in town. Why are we all too busy to have meaningful/real/honest/deep heart-to-hearts?! :( I wonder how I can have the depth of real living that used to exist for me, and I wonder why it went away. I wonder why it's taking me so long to adjust to motherhood (i.e. have more than 2 or 3 days a month when I feel capable and excited to be where I'm at) when others seem to get along really well, really quickly.
sigh
I am excited to see Alex communicating with words. I am excited to have grass beginning to grow in our backyard. I enjoy that Jon can have tummy time with toys and be content for longer than 30 seconds. I am thankful we have AC. I am glad I married a hard-working and honest man. I am so blessed to have attended CCU in the years I did, with the prof's I did, and the ministries/missions/roommates/classes/friends I had. I'm thankful that God is present and honest and true and good and real and in control, even when life screams otherwise. I am thankful for His grace, cuz I am not anywhere close to good enough - in word, deed, or thought. I am glad that He has a clue, cuz I have none. I am glad He "puts up with" my perfectionistic attitude and always-on-the-go heart. I am learning He might even like who I am.... I am thankful my years of stress in choosing college/husband/kids/house are past. I am glad to be living in a house with only my family. I am thankful I don't live in a cold/snowy climate. I'm glad I have fruit nearby. I'm excited to have a garden. I'm thankful for garage sales and craig's list so we can get new/nice things for way cheaper. I'm glad we're almost completely following our budget. I'm thankful I can read. I'm glad that God chose me while I was in my sins and that He doesn't leave me when I screw up. which is often.
ok, so I need a perspective shift. and a nap. and probably a walk. and definitely a good cry. oh, and a friend.
God, can You help me out? can I ask for more things, or is this a time to release and rest? Do I have permission to even do that? I'm hurting and in need and wish I had more control over my emotions, time, energy, and thoughts. Be near, for I am lost today. I wish I wasn't sucked so dry doing something that has such good benefits. help me to see from Your perspective and please let Your grace fall on me in a real way today.
KGP, Carlene.
sigh
I am excited to see Alex communicating with words. I am excited to have grass beginning to grow in our backyard. I enjoy that Jon can have tummy time with toys and be content for longer than 30 seconds. I am thankful we have AC. I am glad I married a hard-working and honest man. I am so blessed to have attended CCU in the years I did, with the prof's I did, and the ministries/missions/roommates/classes/friends I had. I'm thankful that God is present and honest and true and good and real and in control, even when life screams otherwise. I am thankful for His grace, cuz I am not anywhere close to good enough - in word, deed, or thought. I am glad that He has a clue, cuz I have none. I am glad He "puts up with" my perfectionistic attitude and always-on-the-go heart. I am learning He might even like who I am.... I am thankful my years of stress in choosing college/husband/kids/house are past. I am glad to be living in a house with only my family. I am thankful I don't live in a cold/snowy climate. I'm glad I have fruit nearby. I'm excited to have a garden. I'm thankful for garage sales and craig's list so we can get new/nice things for way cheaper. I'm glad we're almost completely following our budget. I'm thankful I can read. I'm glad that God chose me while I was in my sins and that He doesn't leave me when I screw up. which is often.
ok, so I need a perspective shift. and a nap. and probably a walk. and definitely a good cry. oh, and a friend.
God, can You help me out? can I ask for more things, or is this a time to release and rest? Do I have permission to even do that? I'm hurting and in need and wish I had more control over my emotions, time, energy, and thoughts. Be near, for I am lost today. I wish I wasn't sucked so dry doing something that has such good benefits. help me to see from Your perspective and please let Your grace fall on me in a real way today.
KGP, Carlene.
Friday, May 7, 2010
birth, death, and redemption
Abba has been doing a bunch of reminding lately.....mostly that life with Him is most often about me letting go of my own ideas, dreams, hopes, plans, and then surrendering to His. I don't think this has ever been more real to me than now, in this potent season of sacrifice: motherhood.
I see no possible hope for my dreams coming to fruition any time soon, if ever. I just don't see how I could pursue my MA/Dr, teach college, lead youth, write books, speak, do missions, do consistent ministry, travel, etc, and not be giving up the very precious responsibility I now have. Also, I don't see how I could even pursue those things even if I didn't have kids....they seem like pointless wisps of something greater. I know God is a worker of miracles, and could very well allow me to do these things if it was His will, and yet, I am feeling more and more that He wants me to
release control.
mourn the loss.
accept my 'now.'
trust Him to work....in HIS way...in HIS timing.
That last part is really the kicker for me. Perhaps I've never really trusted God to introduce the next season of life/dreams/goals when it is really perfect for me to have them. Maybe I've never really seen God as my Daddy who has perfect knowledge of how (and when) I can accomplish the dreams He's placed in my heart. Maybe I haven't been able to actually let go of something that is not right (in timing or for His will). Maybe I've never really believed that He's in total control, and if it is apart of His will, He'll be the One to make it happen (i've seen this with mission trips, ministry, friendships, marriage, kids, moving, college, and a host of other life-changing moments in my life, yet right now He doesn't seem so present).
I think I've got this urgent "Only have one life, you've been given so much, better learn and do all you can, and don't screw it up" thinking that really just has to go. God is big enough to introduce me into the next level of His will, in His way/timing, and I don't need to control that for Him. really, I don't.
Maybe I can't see how He'll do it. Maybe I won't get to do the things I desire. Maybe it'll actually be something better. Maybe I'm holding onto plastic pearls and He wants to give me real ones. Maybe.
But I know He's calling me to new places of worship and trust.
It is hard.
I cry a lot.
But I know I don't have as good of a vantage point as my Papa, so...
::working at letting go and letting God::
[always amazed at how cliches actually speak so much truth, but they don't work for us until we live it out]
I see no possible hope for my dreams coming to fruition any time soon, if ever. I just don't see how I could pursue my MA/Dr, teach college, lead youth, write books, speak, do missions, do consistent ministry, travel, etc, and not be giving up the very precious responsibility I now have. Also, I don't see how I could even pursue those things even if I didn't have kids....they seem like pointless wisps of something greater. I know God is a worker of miracles, and could very well allow me to do these things if it was His will, and yet, I am feeling more and more that He wants me to
release control.
mourn the loss.
accept my 'now.'
trust Him to work....in HIS way...in HIS timing.
That last part is really the kicker for me. Perhaps I've never really trusted God to introduce the next season of life/dreams/goals when it is really perfect for me to have them. Maybe I've never really seen God as my Daddy who has perfect knowledge of how (and when) I can accomplish the dreams He's placed in my heart. Maybe I haven't been able to actually let go of something that is not right (in timing or for His will). Maybe I've never really believed that He's in total control, and if it is apart of His will, He'll be the One to make it happen (i've seen this with mission trips, ministry, friendships, marriage, kids, moving, college, and a host of other life-changing moments in my life, yet right now He doesn't seem so present).
I think I've got this urgent "Only have one life, you've been given so much, better learn and do all you can, and don't screw it up" thinking that really just has to go. God is big enough to introduce me into the next level of His will, in His way/timing, and I don't need to control that for Him. really, I don't.
Maybe I can't see how He'll do it. Maybe I won't get to do the things I desire. Maybe it'll actually be something better. Maybe I'm holding onto plastic pearls and He wants to give me real ones. Maybe.
But I know He's calling me to new places of worship and trust.
It is hard.
I cry a lot.
But I know I don't have as good of a vantage point as my Papa, so...
::working at letting go and letting God::
[always amazed at how cliches actually speak so much truth, but they don't work for us until we live it out]
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
burn out
I am so done.
[I actually have a lot of cool thoughts to write about (no worries, i've been taking notes!), but i have ZERO energy to do anything beyond write a couple sentences and crawl into bed. also, we've been having bad computer problems all day, so my desire to sit any longer on this lame machine is about zilch. but at least we didn't lose our hard drive!!!!]
anyways.
I've had very little free time (even at night) the last couple weeks, and it's taken it's toll. I am worn out. utterly spent. tired of moving. getting angry at life "norms" because i'm not getting filled. so sick of sickness in this household. and angry that i can't get a little perspective to recognize it's just some cold/flu stuff and will be gone soon enough.
(Come on, Carlene, people have major sickness all the time and learn to deal, how come you can't handle some normal sick time from yourself/family?
no clue.)
All I know is I'm empty. I'm angry. I"m tired. I'm negative. not a good combination.
[I actually have a lot of cool thoughts to write about (no worries, i've been taking notes!), but i have ZERO energy to do anything beyond write a couple sentences and crawl into bed. also, we've been having bad computer problems all day, so my desire to sit any longer on this lame machine is about zilch. but at least we didn't lose our hard drive!!!!]
anyways.
I've had very little free time (even at night) the last couple weeks, and it's taken it's toll. I am worn out. utterly spent. tired of moving. getting angry at life "norms" because i'm not getting filled. so sick of sickness in this household. and angry that i can't get a little perspective to recognize it's just some cold/flu stuff and will be gone soon enough.
(Come on, Carlene, people have major sickness all the time and learn to deal, how come you can't handle some normal sick time from yourself/family?
no clue.)
All I know is I'm empty. I'm angry. I"m tired. I'm negative. not a good combination.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Own your Life, part 2
[warning: rant to come]
I was listening to Christian radio the other day, and during one of their "non-commercial commercials" they were promoting a free Bible study guide on their website. Now, I'm all about getting the Word out to people, and I think it's awesome that we have access to such opportunities as this...
BUT
I think we are beginning to cross the line of what are helpful/team-building/relational programs, and what only serve to offer yet another crutch for an immature culture.
Think about it: if I don't have the perfectly tailored exercise program, I'm off the hook for being over weight ("so buy our gym membership cuz we'll get you in shape!"). If I don't get the easiest access to scholarships, then I'm off the hook for being in debt ("so come to our school, where we'll get you the most for your money!"). If I wasn't told to not drink while being pregannt, well it's not my fault my baby has fetal alcohol syndrome ("so read 10,000 pamplets everytime you're in the doc's office, so you won't sue us!").
Come on, people. It's not the world, church, government, school, or grocery store's job to make sure you're living a healthy, wise, financially secure, godly life! Do we need help in life? Yes. But we do NOT need to wait to create a habit (or change one!) until someone comes up with some program/flyer/saying that will help you along.
Grow up. Own your life.
I was listening to Christian radio the other day, and during one of their "non-commercial commercials" they were promoting a free Bible study guide on their website. Now, I'm all about getting the Word out to people, and I think it's awesome that we have access to such opportunities as this...
BUT
I think we are beginning to cross the line of what are helpful/team-building/relational programs, and what only serve to offer yet another crutch for an immature culture.
Think about it: if I don't have the perfectly tailored exercise program, I'm off the hook for being over weight ("so buy our gym membership cuz we'll get you in shape!"). If I don't get the easiest access to scholarships, then I'm off the hook for being in debt ("so come to our school, where we'll get you the most for your money!"). If I wasn't told to not drink while being pregannt, well it's not my fault my baby has fetal alcohol syndrome ("so read 10,000 pamplets everytime you're in the doc's office, so you won't sue us!").
Come on, people. It's not the world, church, government, school, or grocery store's job to make sure you're living a healthy, wise, financially secure, godly life! Do we need help in life? Yes. But we do NOT need to wait to create a habit (or change one!) until someone comes up with some program/flyer/saying that will help you along.
Grow up. Own your life.
Friday, April 16, 2010
False Urgency
I wonder if people were more capable of leading a simple, joyful, relational life when it wasn't filled with all of the "MUST STAY UP TO DATE on everything possible in our world" belief that we're bombarded with at every turn in our post-modern world?
Ok, dramatics aside (who, me? dramatic?), I wish we weren't supposed to know what's going on in world news, hollywood, local problems, global disasters, and the like. Isn't it enough to take care of our own family's? to provide a healthy and loving environment for living in daily? to spend our energy/concern/worry/prayers on those nearest us? to dive into church/neighborhood/family/friends because that's where we find our sense of belonging and pride?
I wish we had more of an acceptance for those who want to choose that...and that it wouldn't be seen as ignorant or naive, but rather as owning your life and taking responsibility for the days we've been given.
Ok, dramatics aside (who, me? dramatic?), I wish we weren't supposed to know what's going on in world news, hollywood, local problems, global disasters, and the like. Isn't it enough to take care of our own family's? to provide a healthy and loving environment for living in daily? to spend our energy/concern/worry/prayers on those nearest us? to dive into church/neighborhood/family/friends because that's where we find our sense of belonging and pride?
I wish we had more of an acceptance for those who want to choose that...and that it wouldn't be seen as ignorant or naive, but rather as owning your life and taking responsibility for the days we've been given.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Did ya notice? Did ya? DID YA?!
I think it's intriguing how much we want to align ourselves with the winners/good looking/popular. I've recently been noticing how deep this goes:
Basically, I know I need to check myself on where I get my "oh, so I'm awesome too" feelings. God has already given me His love, which is more than enough!
Will I let it be?
- If a baby is cute, you want to hold him/her.
- If a team begins to win, you go to the games.
- If you look nice, you want to be seen by someone important.
- If you notice an attractive person driving, you want them to smile/approve/notice you.
- If a friend knows someone, who once talked to someone, who was neighbors with someone, who appeared on TV once 10 years ago, well, we brag about our connection to them. (lol)
Basically, I know I need to check myself on where I get my "oh, so I'm awesome too" feelings. God has already given me His love, which is more than enough!
Will I let it be?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
My Fear of "Normal Life"
I think this fear began during a conversation with Brad Ellgen (8 years ago?), when he told me "you don't want to live a normal life (i.e. be a soccer mom)." Whether or not my immature high school ears heard it how he intended, it has stuck with me.
There is a huge part of my heart that wants to do extoridnary and fantastic and huge things in life. Even though I have rarely desired the "normal" things of our culture (so, fine, I'm wired to be a no-go for a normal life in that way), I do still desire to be accepted/appreciated in a unique/only-Carlene way. Also, I feel responsible for the talents and opportunities I've been given, yet somehow "turning inward," and just living my day-to-day life, seems incredibly selfish/not an option/unfulfilling. This causes a lot of tension in me, my marriage, my friendships, etc. because I have this "this should be bigger/more" thought in the back of my mind far too often. Lame.
So.
Why do I always look for some lesson in EVERYTHING? Why am I afraid to simply take life as it comes? Why can't I appreciate the daily routine, instead of feeling like a failure for not doing something fantastic and major efficient with every second? Why am I afraid of the mundane? What is it in my generation/culture that pushes for the extraordinary?
I always get on Kris for being too much of a thrill seeker, but perhaps I am just as addicted....only my thrills are in success, efficiency, growth/maturity, and tangible progress being made at something I can see/measure.
I don't think it's bad to be a self-motivated person, nor is it wrong to have goals/dreams and to work towards them...My question is whether or not it's ok for me to be so desperately incapable of accepting my daily life as good enough.
Ok, well, when I put it that way: not ok.
.....So, what to do?
I guess I am mostly driven by fear (oh, so not ok): Fear of missing out on some amazing option that only lasts during this specific season of life; Fear of having regret in how I parented/stressed out/didn't use my time well; Fear of choosing the wrong thing and not having a second (or fifty-third!) chance.
How do I become ok with doing things for myself (reading, working out, alone time) on a bigger level (i.e. more than just randomly), and it not become selfish/neglectful? How do I wrestle through my desire to have more kids, when I can barely make all the plates fly now? How do I accept my daily routine as fulfilling/satisfying/worthy/blessing/gift? Oh, how wrong of me to mock this beautiful life I have, wishing for something more!
So.
I have not been given a spirit of fear. How do I walk in that? God's grace is sufficient for me. How do I live that out? God is sovereign and good. How do I trust Him more fully? God is in control. How do I give control up?
::curious::
There is a huge part of my heart that wants to do extoridnary and fantastic and huge things in life. Even though I have rarely desired the "normal" things of our culture (so, fine, I'm wired to be a no-go for a normal life in that way), I do still desire to be accepted/appreciated in a unique/only-Carlene way. Also, I feel responsible for the talents and opportunities I've been given, yet somehow "turning inward," and just living my day-to-day life, seems incredibly selfish/not an option/unfulfilling. This causes a lot of tension in me, my marriage, my friendships, etc. because I have this "this should be bigger/more" thought in the back of my mind far too often. Lame.
So.
Why do I always look for some lesson in EVERYTHING? Why am I afraid to simply take life as it comes? Why can't I appreciate the daily routine, instead of feeling like a failure for not doing something fantastic and major efficient with every second? Why am I afraid of the mundane? What is it in my generation/culture that pushes for the extraordinary?
I always get on Kris for being too much of a thrill seeker, but perhaps I am just as addicted....only my thrills are in success, efficiency, growth/maturity, and tangible progress being made at something I can see/measure.
I don't think it's bad to be a self-motivated person, nor is it wrong to have goals/dreams and to work towards them...My question is whether or not it's ok for me to be so desperately incapable of accepting my daily life as good enough.
Ok, well, when I put it that way: not ok.
.....So, what to do?
I guess I am mostly driven by fear (oh, so not ok): Fear of missing out on some amazing option that only lasts during this specific season of life; Fear of having regret in how I parented/stressed out/didn't use my time well; Fear of choosing the wrong thing and not having a second (or fifty-third!) chance.
How do I become ok with doing things for myself (reading, working out, alone time) on a bigger level (i.e. more than just randomly), and it not become selfish/neglectful? How do I wrestle through my desire to have more kids, when I can barely make all the plates fly now? How do I accept my daily routine as fulfilling/satisfying/worthy/blessing/gift? Oh, how wrong of me to mock this beautiful life I have, wishing for something more!
So.
I have not been given a spirit of fear. How do I walk in that? God's grace is sufficient for me. How do I live that out? God is sovereign and good. How do I trust Him more fully? God is in control. How do I give control up?
::curious::
Monday, April 5, 2010
long time no see.....and bye again!
It's been a month since I've written.
oops. :/
I have lots to say, but somehow the time to write it down (or just to remember it!), just keeps slipping away....And since naptime just ended for my sick toddler quicker than normal, it's gonna be a bit longer still. Adios!
[Sadness.]
oops. :/
I have lots to say, but somehow the time to write it down (or just to remember it!), just keeps slipping away....And since naptime just ended for my sick toddler quicker than normal, it's gonna be a bit longer still. Adios!
[Sadness.]
Monday, March 1, 2010
asking for help
Just a quick note for a couple of rambling thoughts:
* I'm not doing any better asking for help, but I am definitely getting more excited to do it. lol. I want alone time more and more. I want time with my husband consistently. I want time with the Lord in the morning. Perhaps these things can happen if I ask for help or give up sleep? (sigh, sleeping is so dang powerful for me right now, but my heart/mind are also deprived. So perhaps I can compromise and be more filled all the way around? I hope so....)
* I got 30 whole minutes of calm time with Abba this morning (boys were sleeping/waking up happy!), and it was helped my entire day be more holy. Oh to do this every day! I wish I could feel more free to drop my boys off somewhere, or have help over here....my friends do it all the time. Why can't I?
* I've realized an entire new level of selfishness in me. crap. a childhood song has been playing in my mind: "make me a servant, humble and meek. Lord let me lift up those who are weak, and may the prayer of my heart always be: make me a servant today." Parenting two has opened up new levels of selfishness and new levels of needing to find healthy/joyful moments on a daily basis. Oh for discernment to know the difference and to choose to serve with a happy heart.
* Diapers, Pacifiers, and Other Holy Things - an amazing devotional book I'm reading that the Spirit is MAJORLY speaking to me through. Thank You, Abba.
* I really miss my consistent, deep, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional conversations/relationships that I used to have....well, I still have them, but they're long-distance now, and quite infrequent :( Can I make those types of relationships here? It feels impossible....but I am so hungry for them! Oh, Spirit, help me! fill me!
* I'm not doing any better asking for help, but I am definitely getting more excited to do it. lol. I want alone time more and more. I want time with my husband consistently. I want time with the Lord in the morning. Perhaps these things can happen if I ask for help or give up sleep? (sigh, sleeping is so dang powerful for me right now, but my heart/mind are also deprived. So perhaps I can compromise and be more filled all the way around? I hope so....)
* I got 30 whole minutes of calm time with Abba this morning (boys were sleeping/waking up happy!), and it was helped my entire day be more holy. Oh to do this every day! I wish I could feel more free to drop my boys off somewhere, or have help over here....my friends do it all the time. Why can't I?
* I've realized an entire new level of selfishness in me. crap. a childhood song has been playing in my mind: "make me a servant, humble and meek. Lord let me lift up those who are weak, and may the prayer of my heart always be: make me a servant today." Parenting two has opened up new levels of selfishness and new levels of needing to find healthy/joyful moments on a daily basis. Oh for discernment to know the difference and to choose to serve with a happy heart.
* Diapers, Pacifiers, and Other Holy Things - an amazing devotional book I'm reading that the Spirit is MAJORLY speaking to me through. Thank You, Abba.
* I really miss my consistent, deep, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional conversations/relationships that I used to have....well, I still have them, but they're long-distance now, and quite infrequent :( Can I make those types of relationships here? It feels impossible....but I am so hungry for them! Oh, Spirit, help me! fill me!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Take 5, Carlene.
Small moments matter.
I'm learning this all over again with a newborn in the house. I'm also realizing that I suck at asking for help. Like, I'm really really bad. Especially when I'm tired...which is odd, cuz you would think that that would be the time when I am MOST likely to ask for assistance. But, nope. I get this stupid pride of "look how much I'm pushing through the exhaustion" arrogance, and I just tumble down farther into a sleepless stupor.
And we all suffer.
So, you may ask, why don't I suck it up, ask for help, and watch us all benefit? No clue. But I am trying to work on it. Because, truly, a 10 minute shower, or 5 minutes of drinking some tea in the backyard, or a 30 minute nap....yeah, life-giving....when I ask for it. Not obtainable otherwise. So, Carlene, will you learn?! I sure hope so.
...for the sake of us all :)
I'm learning this all over again with a newborn in the house. I'm also realizing that I suck at asking for help. Like, I'm really really bad. Especially when I'm tired...which is odd, cuz you would think that that would be the time when I am MOST likely to ask for assistance. But, nope. I get this stupid pride of "look how much I'm pushing through the exhaustion" arrogance, and I just tumble down farther into a sleepless stupor.
And we all suffer.
So, you may ask, why don't I suck it up, ask for help, and watch us all benefit? No clue. But I am trying to work on it. Because, truly, a 10 minute shower, or 5 minutes of drinking some tea in the backyard, or a 30 minute nap....yeah, life-giving....when I ask for it. Not obtainable otherwise. So, Carlene, will you learn?! I sure hope so.
...for the sake of us all :)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Life is a Stage, part 2
Performance: demon, danger, or delight?
I grew up with a very keen awareness of Expectations. Part of it is the way I'm wired, and part of it is my upbringing. While there may not be something inherently good or bad about meeting someone's expectations, it leads to a slippery path nonetheless. I zoomed down that path during JH and highschool, and began the slow, arduous climb back up, during college. I plateaued for a while, but have begun wobbling again....so here begins my thoughts and questions.
As a child, I learned that it is easy to receive praise and attention when I excelled above anything anyone expected. I learned to take the average and go beyond...as far as I could. I learned that being normal wasn't as cool as being exceptional/unique/above.
And I got hooked.
The real clincher is that I do genuinely enjoy helping and serving others, so it oftens causes great turmoil for me as I examine my motives: was I doing this for their praise or out of service to them/God? And this is only compounded when a person notices my action. Now, to clarify, I am not talking about genuine encouragement, accountability, or life-giving words, but rather the "affirmation of my value as a person" that I receive for being "good enough."
ouch.
Seeking the praise of people over God is one of my biggest struggles. I am addicted to being the gal who everyone likes. This clashes very frequently with a strong value of mine: Integrity in my faith and morals. This should mean that I would NOT be liked by people as often as I am. In fact, I read passages in the Bible about the world hating me cuz I bear the name of Christ, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong? Not that I'm needing to be all-out offensive, but perhaps I am watering down the Truth too much? Or is it so bad to season Truth with grace and love at all times? Or, am I confusing grace and love with "being nice"? hmm...
A second problem that I frequently struggle with is allowing sin to go unchecked in my loved ones, because it isn't "polite/nice" to point it out. And, consequently, the correction I could receive is not given either. I am such a fan of honest and accountable relationships, and thankfully, a great number of my close friends are open to this two-way road (praise God!), but I also have many relationships that are not so open. This really makes my heart ache, for the depth and freedom that we could have, by being open to correction, is truly significant! Oh to trust the Lord enough with our identity that we could ask and pursue honest and loving correction all the time! Freedom is found in such a life, I know this to be true.
My problem comes that even when the relationship is open for loving rebuke, I often will not tell a close friend or family member of something I've observed in their lives that may lead to harm. And not that I'm always right in my observation, but I won't even pursue the conversation for fear of what they'll think of me.
Tragic.
Yet, at the same time, I am also awkwardly honest if asked a question. This stems from years ago, when I decided that I was done with the pat/church/polite responses, so I decided that if you ask me how I'm doing, you'll find out the truth. Kris and I are both of the conviction "be careful what you ask me, for you will get the answer. " (which is a whole other conversation of balances!)
So, basically, I am tired of having all of these conflicts....the war inside....the dissidence in my mind and heart! Perhaps this is what Paul meant when he talks about doing what he doesn't want to do, and vice versa? Perhaps this people-pleasing/performance nature will never go away for me, but I can simply battle/struggle with it in the Lord's strength? Perhaps I am need to allow Him deeper into my heart, so I have the energy to overcome these struggles more frequently? hmm...
As I have matured, I have learned that most of the expectations I tried to meet were not even real, or completely unrealistic. I have learned that the praise of people is fickle and takes a great deal of energy to obtain, whereas the praise of God is obtained by obedience and a deeper relationship with Him. And, more importantly, the LOVE of God has been freely given to me - oh, to rest in that!
Your prayers would be appreciated as I learn what to censor, and what to share; when to speak and when to keep quiet; how to pursue God's reality over the ever-changing standards of people; and how to take a leap of faith in speaking out of conviction, even when it may cost me...and, most importantly, how to be fully alive in Christ, as Carlene was intended to be.
Beautiful.
I grew up with a very keen awareness of Expectations. Part of it is the way I'm wired, and part of it is my upbringing. While there may not be something inherently good or bad about meeting someone's expectations, it leads to a slippery path nonetheless. I zoomed down that path during JH and highschool, and began the slow, arduous climb back up, during college. I plateaued for a while, but have begun wobbling again....so here begins my thoughts and questions.
As a child, I learned that it is easy to receive praise and attention when I excelled above anything anyone expected. I learned to take the average and go beyond...as far as I could. I learned that being normal wasn't as cool as being exceptional/unique/above.
And I got hooked.
The real clincher is that I do genuinely enjoy helping and serving others, so it oftens causes great turmoil for me as I examine my motives: was I doing this for their praise or out of service to them/God? And this is only compounded when a person notices my action. Now, to clarify, I am not talking about genuine encouragement, accountability, or life-giving words, but rather the "affirmation of my value as a person" that I receive for being "good enough."
ouch.
Seeking the praise of people over God is one of my biggest struggles. I am addicted to being the gal who everyone likes. This clashes very frequently with a strong value of mine: Integrity in my faith and morals. This should mean that I would NOT be liked by people as often as I am. In fact, I read passages in the Bible about the world hating me cuz I bear the name of Christ, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong? Not that I'm needing to be all-out offensive, but perhaps I am watering down the Truth too much? Or is it so bad to season Truth with grace and love at all times? Or, am I confusing grace and love with "being nice"? hmm...
A second problem that I frequently struggle with is allowing sin to go unchecked in my loved ones, because it isn't "polite/nice" to point it out. And, consequently, the correction I could receive is not given either. I am such a fan of honest and accountable relationships, and thankfully, a great number of my close friends are open to this two-way road (praise God!), but I also have many relationships that are not so open. This really makes my heart ache, for the depth and freedom that we could have, by being open to correction, is truly significant! Oh to trust the Lord enough with our identity that we could ask and pursue honest and loving correction all the time! Freedom is found in such a life, I know this to be true.
My problem comes that even when the relationship is open for loving rebuke, I often will not tell a close friend or family member of something I've observed in their lives that may lead to harm. And not that I'm always right in my observation, but I won't even pursue the conversation for fear of what they'll think of me.
Tragic.
Yet, at the same time, I am also awkwardly honest if asked a question. This stems from years ago, when I decided that I was done with the pat/church/polite responses, so I decided that if you ask me how I'm doing, you'll find out the truth. Kris and I are both of the conviction "be careful what you ask me, for you will get the answer. " (which is a whole other conversation of balances!)
So, basically, I am tired of having all of these conflicts....the war inside....the dissidence in my mind and heart! Perhaps this is what Paul meant when he talks about doing what he doesn't want to do, and vice versa? Perhaps this people-pleasing/performance nature will never go away for me, but I can simply battle/struggle with it in the Lord's strength? Perhaps I am need to allow Him deeper into my heart, so I have the energy to overcome these struggles more frequently? hmm...
As I have matured, I have learned that most of the expectations I tried to meet were not even real, or completely unrealistic. I have learned that the praise of people is fickle and takes a great deal of energy to obtain, whereas the praise of God is obtained by obedience and a deeper relationship with Him. And, more importantly, the LOVE of God has been freely given to me - oh, to rest in that!
Your prayers would be appreciated as I learn what to censor, and what to share; when to speak and when to keep quiet; how to pursue God's reality over the ever-changing standards of people; and how to take a leap of faith in speaking out of conviction, even when it may cost me...and, most importantly, how to be fully alive in Christ, as Carlene was intended to be.
Beautiful.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Life is a stage, part 1
...stages, that is. Many seasons of life exist - we are told this all the time, no? - yet I don't think I ever fully comprehended the "big deal" of that statement until having kids. This season of life is unlike anything I've experienced before, and allowing it to simply "be" has been challenging beyond expectation. I wish I were living in close community with you, dear friends, so that we could share each others burdens in the reality that they are....
It is exhausting, and some days (like today) cause me to struggle a great deal more with accepting the reality of what my days now must look like (i.e. finding time for a small moment to sit at the computer may, in fact, be the only "fun/rest" time I get all day)....or, that the sacrifices Kris and I make in the material are worth what we're living out in the spiritual/emotional with our family.
Mostly, it comes down to the fact that I am very very very inflexible person. I hate getting interrupted. I hate having to lose my train of thought all the time. I hate not being able to follow through on plans: my own or with others. I hate getting mad at my boys for not being able to just sit and read a good book. I hate sounding so selfish.
Oh, God, change me quickly, for I cannot bear this fight for much longer. Show me how to surrender self, and how to take the moments you give me as the gifts they are. Help me to not allow envy and jealousy to ruin the blessings You send. Show me how to be healthy by making time for Life-giving fun, while not begrudging my sons for the time they demand of me.
Thank You for the blessing of family.
It is exhausting, and some days (like today) cause me to struggle a great deal more with accepting the reality of what my days now must look like (i.e. finding time for a small moment to sit at the computer may, in fact, be the only "fun/rest" time I get all day)....or, that the sacrifices Kris and I make in the material are worth what we're living out in the spiritual/emotional with our family.
Mostly, it comes down to the fact that I am very very very inflexible person. I hate getting interrupted. I hate having to lose my train of thought all the time. I hate not being able to follow through on plans: my own or with others. I hate getting mad at my boys for not being able to just sit and read a good book. I hate sounding so selfish.
Oh, God, change me quickly, for I cannot bear this fight for much longer. Show me how to surrender self, and how to take the moments you give me as the gifts they are. Help me to not allow envy and jealousy to ruin the blessings You send. Show me how to be healthy by making time for Life-giving fun, while not begrudging my sons for the time they demand of me.
Thank You for the blessing of family.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Full Circle
Five or six years ago I began to blog. About two years ago I stopped...."Life" happened (guess all those people in college were right). Now, I've got the ache for it again.
Call it a place for me to be CARLENE again.
A time for self-reflection and thought in a season where it no longer comes easily or naturally.
A place to be an adult.
A place to be real....and to hopefully have real/life/truth given back to me.
Basically, I'm hungry. I'm desperate. Totally in need of a place to dialogue and become refreshed....talking to Alex and Jon about the reality of the media's influence on delayed adolescence can only go so far! :) (although Kris at least provides a wonderful outlet for such convo's!)
I do miss the times when I could simply make some tea and dive into a person's (and my own!) heart with joy, care, patience, wisdom, and laughter. This will hopefully supplement some of that. We shall see. If nothing else, I will get an outlet to be a real thinking person again.
......and hopefully for more than once a month .... :)
That is my goal. I want to process thoughts, share ideas, and get a glimpse of God's reality - not the illusionary crap I see, but the Beauty and Life that comes from an
Encounter with Truth.
Call it a place for me to be CARLENE again.
A time for self-reflection and thought in a season where it no longer comes easily or naturally.
A place to be an adult.
A place to be real....and to hopefully have real/life/truth given back to me.
Basically, I'm hungry. I'm desperate. Totally in need of a place to dialogue and become refreshed....talking to Alex and Jon about the reality of the media's influence on delayed adolescence can only go so far! :) (although Kris at least provides a wonderful outlet for such convo's!)
I do miss the times when I could simply make some tea and dive into a person's (and my own!) heart with joy, care, patience, wisdom, and laughter. This will hopefully supplement some of that. We shall see. If nothing else, I will get an outlet to be a real thinking person again.
......and hopefully for more than once a month .... :)
That is my goal. I want to process thoughts, share ideas, and get a glimpse of God's reality - not the illusionary crap I see, but the Beauty and Life that comes from an
Encounter with Truth.
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